Just

Breathe

I can't function well

I saw something funny that I thought you would like, and I got so excited about wanting to send the picture to you, but then I remembered, I can't do that stuff anymore. I can't see a hilarious picture that makes me think of you and let you know about it. I almost broke down, but I held it together.
I really want to finish watching Doctor Who, and it hurts to know I will probably never get to finish watching it because we watched it together. Yeah, I can watch a show  we watched together, sure, but it wouldn't include your commentary about things to watch for in the future of the show... I sound pathetic.

I miss you so much. It hurts, mostly it is hard to breathe. I wonder if you miss me.. if you see things you think I'd like, something funny that made you think of me and then realize you can't send it to me, does it hurt a little, like you miss me? Do you go your entire day without thinking about me once? There are far few and in between moments of you that I don't think about you. I want to stop. I want to be happy again, and I know only I can do that for myself, but god damn it, you'd make this process so much easier if you were around. Why aren't you here? Fuck you.

Rage fest 2.0

This is getting fucking ridiculous.
By the way... I am just going to bitch, so stop reading now if you're not in the mood for reading about some chicks heart continuously being broken, cause that is all this is going to be about. With that being said, I shall continue.

Every guy I date says they are ready to settle down, they are completely cool with me having a kid, hey they fucking love kids, over fucking joyed that I have a kid, etc.
Then boom, out of no where, they all can't handle dating someone that has a kid. It is too much for them, their priorities have changed, they are headed in a different direction in life. God, I must be so shitastically diabolical with always supporter my significant others through their issues in life, and helping them follow their dreams. Fuck me. I must be the worst kind of person. God forbid I actually know what I want in life and these mother fuckers don't know how to pay their bills without being broke for the week. Did it ever occur to them that I was good for them? I helped them, without pushing, without making them get their shit together, but helped them understand how you can't just coast through life without some hard work. I don't sit there and think, "hey I can just fix everyone, yup totally trying to fix everyone in the world..." because fuck you, no. If I can help, I help, if I can't, I am there to listen to you bitch and complain about how you aren't doing a god damn thing to fix it or help yourself. But for fucks sake, would someone please be a decent adult/human being and just give me the respect, love, and attention that I have finally come to understand that I deserve.
I am a very humble person, I am not selfish, I give and give and give, and I rarely ask for anything in return... but that is it. I am done being a doormat for all these people to use to get ahead in life and find some chick who is just going to fuck them up even more. Excuse me for having morals and caring about people, I didn't realize that was taboo these days. Apparently taking your girlfriend out to eat, or to the movies, or inviting them in on friend activities is hard work. I wonder about that, like, you think you work hard in the relationship? You think you have tried you hardest, you put your all into something and that something still falls apart. And there is the ever so lovely, "I need to work on myself for awhile, it isn't you, it is me" deal. But then you see them two fucking weeks later dating someone else. Oh good, thanks for the lie, buddy. I'm glad you are working so hard on yourself, so hard in fact that you fixed everything about yourself in two weeks. So proud of you, I took five years to fix my shit, but bra-fucking-vo to you. Glad having me not around really worked out for you.
And spending time with your significant other, that is a horrible fucking thing apparently. According to my relationship record, spending maybe an hour together, alone, a week is perfectly acceptable behavior. It god damn shouldn't be. I'm not clingy, I don't want to spend every second with you, but give me at least a day a week, fuck man. Oh, and when shit goes wrong in my life, god forbid anyone of these fucking losers gives a shit. I am not needy, I just want you to care. You could just listen, I don't expect someone to fix my problems but me. I got kicked out of the radiology program I was in, and one of my exes didn't even give a shit. I worked hard for four years to get into that, my entire world came crashing down, and what does he do? Breaks up with me a week after I find out I am out of the program, on our anniversary, and an hour before I have a job interview. Thanks, that was super. If I wasn't a strong person I would've fallen apart and became numb to the world and not even have gone to the interview. But I did go, and I fucking nailed it, because I am not some pathetic loser, I get my shit together, and save some fucking face. Because bitches get shit done. I am a woman, and a lady. I won't beg you to reconsider, I won't plead for you to come back to me, no, I will tell you how I hope  you have a good life, and genuinely mean it, and I will go on about my life as I always have. I will always miss them, all of them. I wouldn't even consider getting back with most of them, basically all except the most recent, but that is because the wounds are still fresh. But it won't happen, it never happens, they never come running back thinking "oh man I fucked up." Do I not even matter in the world to anyone? Am I always going to be someone's option, someone that can be as expendable as a worn out pair of pants? This shouldn't be something people should feel or have to think about. This is why we can't have nice things people. We use people, abuse our rights, and privileges, and expect to have everything we want, walking over bodies and bodies of people to get ahead. Why do we live in a world like this? I get so irrationally full of rage thinking about how awful most people are. I just want to meet someone that changes my complete outlook on life and restores my faith in humanity.

What goes up, must come down

If I continue to ride this wave
one thing's for sure,
I will crash.
 -J.Lajoie

Willing

"Willing"

Breathe.
1, 2, 3... deep breath in.
Now let it out.

I'm willing to calm my storm
this raging of thunder inside of me
I'm willing to catch my words
these bolts of lightning that twist
like knives in fallen souls
before they purge your ears with violence.
I was always willing to sacrifice
myself for you, what's mine is yours
I'm yours...your not mine
My will to keep you, served purpose
for only myself.
All this time I thought I was selfless
but selfish was my willingness
to push and give my world to you
and you didn't want it.
You didn't want it...you didn't want me.
I'm willing to throw attempts, blue prints, plans...
shallow love,
for you to give me just one look
one mere glimpse at your heart.
And these are the precise reasons why you
...never can.

                 -J. Lajoie

I obviously need someone to slap me

What the actual fuck.

He is the biggest mind fuck of all mind fucks.

So naturally I am infatuated.

Another cliche' love story

"Another cliche' love story"



Gravity does its work once again
with the foreseeable and enforced fall.
Brain waves striking nerve cells,
"Please stop! Not again!"
But still heart strings and valves keep
shooting that venomous love down each artery,
arteriole...capillary.
The body biology can't help but do what its meant to.
All the while, saline indulges itself on my corneas.
Thanks for the break down.
                                 -J.Lajoie