Just

Breathe

I can't function well

I saw something funny that I thought you would like, and I got so excited about wanting to send the picture to you, but then I remembered, I can't do that stuff anymore. I can't see a hilarious picture that makes me think of you and let you know about it. I almost broke down, but I held it together.
I really want to finish watching Doctor Who, and it hurts to know I will probably never get to finish watching it because we watched it together. Yeah, I can watch a show  we watched together, sure, but it wouldn't include your commentary about things to watch for in the future of the show... I sound pathetic.

I miss you so much. It hurts, mostly it is hard to breathe. I wonder if you miss me.. if you see things you think I'd like, something funny that made you think of me and then realize you can't send it to me, does it hurt a little, like you miss me? Do you go your entire day without thinking about me once? There are far few and in between moments of you that I don't think about you. I want to stop. I want to be happy again, and I know only I can do that for myself, but god damn it, you'd make this process so much easier if you were around. Why aren't you here? Fuck you.

Rage fest 2.0

This is getting fucking ridiculous.
By the way... I am just going to bitch, so stop reading now if you're not in the mood for reading about some chicks heart continuously being broken, cause that is all this is going to be about. With that being said, I shall continue.

Every guy I date says they are ready to settle down, they are completely cool with me having a kid, hey they fucking love kids, over fucking joyed that I have a kid, etc.
Then boom, out of no where, they all can't handle dating someone that has a kid. It is too much for them, their priorities have changed, they are headed in a different direction in life. God, I must be so shitastically diabolical with always supporter my significant others through their issues in life, and helping them follow their dreams. Fuck me. I must be the worst kind of person. God forbid I actually know what I want in life and these mother fuckers don't know how to pay their bills without being broke for the week. Did it ever occur to them that I was good for them? I helped them, without pushing, without making them get their shit together, but helped them understand how you can't just coast through life without some hard work. I don't sit there and think, "hey I can just fix everyone, yup totally trying to fix everyone in the world..." because fuck you, no. If I can help, I help, if I can't, I am there to listen to you bitch and complain about how you aren't doing a god damn thing to fix it or help yourself. But for fucks sake, would someone please be a decent adult/human being and just give me the respect, love, and attention that I have finally come to understand that I deserve.
I am a very humble person, I am not selfish, I give and give and give, and I rarely ask for anything in return... but that is it. I am done being a doormat for all these people to use to get ahead in life and find some chick who is just going to fuck them up even more. Excuse me for having morals and caring about people, I didn't realize that was taboo these days. Apparently taking your girlfriend out to eat, or to the movies, or inviting them in on friend activities is hard work. I wonder about that, like, you think you work hard in the relationship? You think you have tried you hardest, you put your all into something and that something still falls apart. And there is the ever so lovely, "I need to work on myself for awhile, it isn't you, it is me" deal. But then you see them two fucking weeks later dating someone else. Oh good, thanks for the lie, buddy. I'm glad you are working so hard on yourself, so hard in fact that you fixed everything about yourself in two weeks. So proud of you, I took five years to fix my shit, but bra-fucking-vo to you. Glad having me not around really worked out for you.
And spending time with your significant other, that is a horrible fucking thing apparently. According to my relationship record, spending maybe an hour together, alone, a week is perfectly acceptable behavior. It god damn shouldn't be. I'm not clingy, I don't want to spend every second with you, but give me at least a day a week, fuck man. Oh, and when shit goes wrong in my life, god forbid anyone of these fucking losers gives a shit. I am not needy, I just want you to care. You could just listen, I don't expect someone to fix my problems but me. I got kicked out of the radiology program I was in, and one of my exes didn't even give a shit. I worked hard for four years to get into that, my entire world came crashing down, and what does he do? Breaks up with me a week after I find out I am out of the program, on our anniversary, and an hour before I have a job interview. Thanks, that was super. If I wasn't a strong person I would've fallen apart and became numb to the world and not even have gone to the interview. But I did go, and I fucking nailed it, because I am not some pathetic loser, I get my shit together, and save some fucking face. Because bitches get shit done. I am a woman, and a lady. I won't beg you to reconsider, I won't plead for you to come back to me, no, I will tell you how I hope  you have a good life, and genuinely mean it, and I will go on about my life as I always have. I will always miss them, all of them. I wouldn't even consider getting back with most of them, basically all except the most recent, but that is because the wounds are still fresh. But it won't happen, it never happens, they never come running back thinking "oh man I fucked up." Do I not even matter in the world to anyone? Am I always going to be someone's option, someone that can be as expendable as a worn out pair of pants? This shouldn't be something people should feel or have to think about. This is why we can't have nice things people. We use people, abuse our rights, and privileges, and expect to have everything we want, walking over bodies and bodies of people to get ahead. Why do we live in a world like this? I get so irrationally full of rage thinking about how awful most people are. I just want to meet someone that changes my complete outlook on life and restores my faith in humanity.

What goes up, must come down

If I continue to ride this wave
one thing's for sure,
I will crash.
 -J.Lajoie

Willing

"Willing"

Breathe.
1, 2, 3... deep breath in.
Now let it out.

I'm willing to calm my storm
this raging of thunder inside of me
I'm willing to catch my words
these bolts of lightning that twist
like knives in fallen souls
before they purge your ears with violence.
I was always willing to sacrifice
myself for you, what's mine is yours
I'm yours...your not mine
My will to keep you, served purpose
for only myself.
All this time I thought I was selfless
but selfish was my willingness
to push and give my world to you
and you didn't want it.
You didn't want it...you didn't want me.
I'm willing to throw attempts, blue prints, plans...
shallow love,
for you to give me just one look
one mere glimpse at your heart.
And these are the precise reasons why you
...never can.

                 -J. Lajoie

I obviously need someone to slap me

What the actual fuck.

He is the biggest mind fuck of all mind fucks.

So naturally I am infatuated.

Another cliche' love story

"Another cliche' love story"



Gravity does its work once again
with the foreseeable and enforced fall.
Brain waves striking nerve cells,
"Please stop! Not again!"
But still heart strings and valves keep
shooting that venomous love down each artery,
arteriole...capillary.
The body biology can't help but do what its meant to.
All the while, saline indulges itself on my corneas.
Thanks for the break down.
                                 -J.Lajoie

Resolution shmezolution

My 2014 resolutions... This is how I want to live my life. I do not take credit for writing this list. Source and credit goes here.

1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them.

2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.

3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck.

5. Always use ‘we’ when referring to your home team or your government.

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.

7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of ‘horse’.

8. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

9. Don’t dumb it down.

10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.

11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.

12. Never park in front of a bar.

13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.

14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car, and first boy/girlfriend.

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.

16. A suntan is earned, not bought.

17. Never lie to your doctor.

18. All guns are loaded.

19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know.

20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.

21. Take a vacation of your cell phone, internet, and TV once a year.

22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.

23. A handshake beats an autograph.

24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.

25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short.

26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.

27. Never get your hair cut the day of a special event.

28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.

29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.

30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.

31. Eat lunch with the new kids.

32. When traveling, keep your wits about you.

33. It’s never too late for an apology.

34. Don’t pose with booze.

35. If you have the right of way, take it.

36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.

37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.

38. Never push someone off a dock.

39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry; live up to it.

41. Don’t make a scene.

42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best.

43. Know when to ignore the camera.

44. Never gloat.

45. Invest in good luggage.

46. Make time for your mom on your birthday. It’s her special day, too.

47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.

48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp.

49. Give credit. Take blame.

50. Suck it up every now and again.

51. Never be the last one in the pool.

52. Don’t stare.

53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.

54. Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.

55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.

56. Admit it when you’re wrong.

57. If you offer to help don’t quit until the job is done.

58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.

59. Thank the bus driver.

60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.

61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

62. Know at least one good joke.

63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.

64. Know how to cook one good meal.

65. Learn to drive a stick shift.

66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.

67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself.

68. Dance with your mother/father.

69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.

70. Always thank the host.

71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.

72. Know the size of your boy/girlfriend’s clothes.

73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt.

74. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.

75. Keep your word.

76. In college, always sit in the front. You’ll stand out immediately.

77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.

78. Be patient with airport security. They’re just doing their jobs.

79. Don’t be the talker in a movie.

80. The opposite sex likes people who shower.

81. You are what you do, not what you say.

82. Learn to change a tire.

83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.

84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it.

85. Don’t litter.

86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.

87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest. But you can be the toughest.

88. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm.

89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.

90. Make the little things count.

91. Always wear a bra at work.

92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.

93. You’re never too old to need your mom.

94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet kill.

95. Know the words to your national anthem.

96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun then sitting on the bench alone.

97. Smile at strangers.

98. Make goals.

99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.

100. If you have to fight, punch first and punch hard.

The color of the day is empty

Chills

"Chills"

"One look at your lips and you create bumps on my skin so grand, the Himalayas would be jealous"
-J.Lajoie

13 Ways of Looking At Hands

"13 ways of looking at hands"

Cuticles stretching farther than I'd like
Nails bitten down to raw, red and puffy
Gloves that fit and rings that shine
Knuckles pressing through pale skin with falsehood, never breaking through
Smooth touch grabbing for affection
Clapping, snapping, rubbing warmth
Tear removers of the 21st century
Hair pulling, taming, braiding
Utensils that are rarely noticed
Tense cheek's sting with hand print embedded
Covers, eye blankets, mouth guard, ear shield
Intense though, temple buffers
Lovers, heart beats pounding, hands pressed against glass
                    -J.Lajoie

Building Blocks

"Building blocks"

Everyday I am reminded
that I made something so beautiful
you make me feel like the first snow fall
everything that was dead, covered in a blanket of new hope
Your eyes, like smaller versions of almonds
dark like your fathers, but bright, so very bright
sometimes your smile is so full of light
it hurts me, like tears of joy
I want to shout from the depths of my lungs
I MADE THIS! THIS! RIGHT HERE!
I added the best amount of right I could have ever thought possible
and sometimes, you are a mixture of rude, anxious, and spoiled
but that's okay, that's what I am here for
to teach you
To mold and shape that magnificent mind,
in hopes that one day, you too
will make something as wonderful
smart
handsome
intelligent
as I have.
           -J.Lajoie

Girl-friend-zoned

"Girl-friend-zoned"

My guy friends say
they are always "friend-zoned"
or terrible cliche's
about how nice guys finish last

oh how oppressing it must feel
to be a "nice" guy
while I am here
cleaning up the wreckage
on your shores

my male friends complain
about helping girls
Holding open doors for Girls
Lending Their Jackets To Girls
BEING ANNOYED WITH....GIRLS

and then there is me
to my displeasure
listening to every. single. word. you say
knowing precisely what it takes
to make you laugh

how dismal it must be
to have such a great friend
that is a Lady

I'm starting to think
you are destitute of vision
or perhaps I am only visible when needed
because I have always been
standing right in front of you

I regard you
as if you hang the moon
every. single. night
but fuck your lunar cycle
and your compliance with these...GIRLS

I am withdrawing from your
gravitational friend-sphere
and starting my own zone
where friends can open doors for me
where I can say thank you
and expect nothing more
than just being a "nice"....girl
                        -J.Lajoie

Mid-day graveyard walks

"Mid-day graveyard walks"

Leaves fall like lovers in a battle long past
Sunlight melts in just the right places
Showing names I have never come to know.

Step lightly, calmly, gracefully.

Birds of blue, red, and black come,
and go as birds please
But not you,
you're here for the long run.

A slight breeze and I feel alive,
which is a little ironic, being here.

Rusty sounds from rusty fences
Leaves crunching under my sneakers
Every breath feel like an insult.
                     -J.Lajoie

Surprise me September

School starts in 2 days, I am already exhausted just thinking about it. I have spent these last two weeks seeing friends and family... People have been getting in touch with me to hang out before I go back to school and have no life again. Which is great and all, but getting up at 3:30 AM everyday and then going to see friends or family, then doing things with my son, I am exhausted. I still have a cook out to attend tomorrow, and now I found out I have to work as well. I guess the person they hired to do the full time position at my work quit, so now I am working most, if not all, the shifts until further notice. Welp, at least I will get a good couple of pay checks.

My cousin got married yesterday and I had the pleasure of witnessing it. Weddings are so beautiful, and she was a very beautiful bride.  Ah, September, be good to me, please?

Just some advice

"You shouldn't go around fixing people and give up pieces of yourself to make someone else whole

 You can’t be a proper friend to someone, be there to support them, be anything, if you don’t care for yourself first. I speak from experience with this, and it’s a lesson that I have learned the hard way. 

There is nothing noble about thoughtless self-sacrifice.

There is nothing wrong with putting your own needs first, and making sure that you’re okay before you offer anything of yourself.

Giving and giving of yourself only hurts you, and the damage can take a very, very long time to start trying to repair. "

This is actually a mixture of things I have found online from not just one particular author, but I found them all relevant. 

Wandering

"Wandering"

Wandering eyes keep me
I can't be the sort of prisoner you call home
but wandering souls, they have me.

"You're so hardcore" I said
Your face turned from flesh to hot coals
Pushing my shoulder with your clumsy hand

I believe you loved me that day
Between the days that lasted of rain
and the coldest of winter nights

I think I loved you too
But those wandering, a grip held
I didn't want to give up my "freedom"

"You're so hardcore" I said
A tear streamed down your cheek
I believe that was the day you realized

I was no longer an anchor
'nor your sea
but the ship that wandered from your heart

                                    -J.Lajoie

Sometimes I get like this

Another whiney-ass post, just for you.

I try to stay positive about everything... money, friends, work, love...
But then I have nights like these where I just get down. More and more of my friends and family are getting into relationships or getting married and here I am typing this post, alone. The upside is that I get to focus my time on me, but damn it I am sick of me. Doesn't everyone? You work on yourself for so long, and I realize there is always room for improvement, but sometimes you really need to start seeing results.. because after awhile you just want to give up. I work my ass off to provide for my son, educate myself, and be healthy... I just feel like I have nothing to show for it thus far.
I'll be over this mood in the morning, I tell myself this every time I get into a sad mood... and I always wake up feeling better, which is good. So I don't worry too much. It is just so hard to believe I am meant for more when I don't see at least some kind of microscopic result. Perhaps it is my character that has changed that I should be happy about.... but that comes with aging and experiences, and there are people much younger than me that have everything that I want. Damn it. We can't chalk all this love shit up to experience, that is a lie that I like to tell myself. Something to sooth the ache of why I work so hard to be a better person.

What else is there left to say?

A little bit of Jessica in your life

Now that I have a month free of no classes, I might actually keep up with posting more. But then again, I could get lazy and not do anything. Welp, guess you'll have to stayed tuned and see....

Things I am excited for:

• Autumn
• School
• Apple picking
• Fairs
• Not sweating me ass off
• Making new friends
• Pumpkin spice coffee
• Hay rides
• Halloween
• Making caramel apples
• Annoying my son
  
  

That is all I got in my head today, cheers!

My new favorite poet

“What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.

It was like being exhumed, I answered, and brought to life in a flash of brilliance.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.

It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow. There was a long pause before I responded:

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once.”
         -Lang Leav