Can we just...talk?

I'm really tired of actually trying to be there for you... but you won't let me.

Then I start getting ignored or blown off. It's great that you have other friends that are there for you because you are always there for them when they need you....but why do I feel like I am on the back burner? You've barely talked to me the past two days, and yet the entire time I am been worried as hell about you. Yet you just drop off the face of the earth after texting me back once or twice.

Why is it you can talk to everyone else in the world about how you feel, except me?

Here's the deal...

I am going to keep my blog going, I am just going to be lazy at doing it.

It has been a few months since I last posted. Here is what is going to happen in the next few weeks/months...give or take.

+ School is starting August 29th. I am very excited. I decided to change my major. I am going to focus on education and one day become a Science or Biology teacher. This will take some time, but it will be worth it and the time it takes to get a masters is psychology is much longer. Basically subtracting the time and money I couldn't devote to my education for psychology.

+ Autumn is coming, which is my favorite time of the year. Everyone always says they like the smell and the colors... I enjoy everything that comes with fall. It brings me back to a more simple time in life. Reminds me that when I was a kid I was silly and didn't realize everything that was going on around me, but that's okay. I miss that part in life. I miss caring about if I am going to have a awesome costume and how much candy I would get on Halloween. Running around in sweat pants and sweaters and not caring if they were "in fashion" or not. Autumn - in my head - is everything I love about life.
Soon I will go apple picking with my son and my boyfriend August. Take a trip up north to see the foliage. Enjoy a hayride with them, and pick out the perfect pumpkins we'd like to carve or paint. Shopping for Halloween costumes together, then going to parties and trick or treating.

+After all that, November will be just around the corner. Thanksgiving with the family...classes... then a Christmas tree. My goodness! The next few months will be spectacular!

That is my update. Feel free to ask questions. I like to give answers, if I contain them.

Keep it together.

Work is starting to deteriorate me. Everyday I wake up and I am like..oh gee golly another day of work..wooo!
I know I must sound like a lazy fuck when I say this but, I would rather go to school than work. I honestly can not wait until school starts up again. I feel exhausted having to work nine hour shifts each day. Now understand, at Dunkin' Donuts I use to work like ten to fifteen hour shifts.. so I know a nine hour shift is easy.

            I feel like maybe I am just trying to get the childhood I lost by starting work at fourteen years old, and then dropping out of school at sixteen. I finally get to do what I was suppose to do. I want that relaxation of school. Like I said, I know I sound lazy but I can't help how I feel. I felt free because I was doing what I wanted to do, learning what I wanted to learn. I am free to go to the bathroom without raising my hand like a child. At work I can not leave my position until someone comes to cover me. Some times I have to stand in the same spot for more than three hours straight. I make good money at Lowe's which is the main reason I am not quitting.... I just hope I last the summer without getting depressed about it. It's sad to get depressed at work. I don't want to live the rest of my life working at places that make me doubt my abilities or my self worth.

        Another thing, I was thinking about changing my major. I am not sure I am cut out for psychology. I was thinking maybe leaning for towards the medical field. My other career choice would be a X-Ray Tech.
I am going to do one more semester of psychology though, if I do well then I will stay in that field. If I do horrible again than I am going to do X-Ray Tech.

        I feel like I will forever be in debt. Every time I get close to getting out of debt, I lose my job and get fucked over again. Everyone around me gets to go out and do something fun like going to the movies, mini golfing, amusement park, beach, etc... I can't do those things because I simply can not afford them. Even if I did receive child support for my son I wouldn't be able to do anything like that. People keep telling me that I can do those things...but I literally can not. I do not have the money, my bills wait long enough for me to pay them... I can't put them off just because I want to go have fun. I just hate money now. When I get it I don't want to lose it. Even though my paycheck is basically gone before I can even cash it. I know everyone is having financial trouble these days. So I can't be all poor me poor me.... but sometimes I just have enough.

I feel like a failure...

I got a 47 on my psych final..

I got all B’s in my classes except in psych I got a D+. Which in turn dropped my GPA down to a 2.57.

I know next semester I am going to have to bust ass, but right now I feel like the biggest mess up ever. I thought I was so much smarter than this and I could prove people wrong…. guess I was the one that was wrong

Butterflies

I'm in love with the most amazing, beautiful, and talented person I've ever met in my entire life. I feel so privileged to have Branch in my life.
Branch is so good with my son. Mikey just loves it when Branch is around and when Branch isn't around he says "Where's Branch?"
No matter how much time I spend with Branch I feel like it is never enough, and I can't believe we aren't annoyed by each other yet. Branch is like my best friend, we are so weird. Some of the funnest times I've had involve Branch. Thanks Asa Rae Branch, for being in my life. I hope I make you just as happier as you've made me!

First song, say whhhhhat?

Disappointment


This is the song I had sung for my Psych class. I had it in my head to be original in my presentation, and to score points with the teacher. I also got to spend time practicing, seeing as I haven't had much time for the poor guitar as of late with school taking up most of my schedule.
                 This is the first song I have ever made. It was for a project so I didn't work on it as hard as I would a song I were singing for pure enjoyment, or from my heart. My disclaimer is that the recording is loud, I messed up like twice during the recording and since I am lazy I didn't bother to fix it, and it's pretty depressing. The song itself is based off of my poster that I made for a visual effect. The poster was made to describe my dreams. Apparently my dreams are of a depressing nature. Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and listening to my song. I apologize for my vocals, they are quite awful in this recording.

I kinda miss you, sir.

After a sweet letter in my FB inbox from Sare (that was basically an essay). I have finally began to grip onto the school thing. I find myself actually understanding things in class. I feel more confident in my writing and work. Now that I understand and comprehend what is going on around me, I enjoy school. I was actually very upset the psych class was cancelled today. Not to mention that I am a broke bitch, so having to drive all the way back home was a bummer... I just really wanted to go over chapter 3 in class. I realized that the whole psych thing that has to do with plotting and graphing has of no interest to me. As soon as we starting learning how the brain works I was like, "OH SNAP! This is fucking awesome!" I definitely want to take a biology class and a chemistry class next semester! Ode' to the excitement.
                  I seem to be "falling" for many things. I'll allow it.
I have this dream project I have to do, to interpret what my dreams mean to me. I can do a poster, or write a song, a poem, or a reenactment. I think I am going to do a poster and a song. Though if the song is too much for me I will probably go with a poem, just because I have never written a song before so I am not sure how I would go about it. Plus I would have to actually preform it in front of the class. EEK! Also we have to do an essay along with it. All the while we have a research paper due the first week of May. Not to mention all the other essay papers that will be due during this time period. This could be rough, I am so ready for the challenge. Bring it.
                        Also, I kinda miss my buddy. You need to hang out with me soon...just saying. I know you don't "miss" people, but deal with the fact that I can actually admit to missing playing guitar with you, or just driving around, and just talking.