Captain's log

Dear someone or something or everyone and everything,

I've been working really hard to lose weight. I have going to the gym at least 4 to 5 times a week. I’ve been making healthier food choices, and eating less.

This pass week I didn't  make it to the gym much, more like 2 times, but still was making better eating choices and at my school’s orientation we walked around A LOT.

Instead of losing weight, I have gained 5 lbs. You can say I have gained muscle, but I don’t see the results. I feel like binge eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. I won’t, I just want to so badly.

I hope this pays off, I am tired of living a life where I am embarrassed of myself. I want my outside appearance to look like the person I am on the inside. I know I should love myself for who I am, and I do, just not my body. Any larger woman can sit there and say they love their bodies, but if they could make the choice to magically lose weight they would. At least I believe they would, I would.

I have to yell at myself when I see clothes because I know they won’t fit me. I want to dress like the girls on the T.V. or the girls walking down the street, and I can’t. Larger clothes are more expensive and are harder to find to fit my body. I’m so fucking sorry but I refuse to wear my pants up to my fucking belly button so a shirt fits “correctly”. Fuck that. Make shirts longer.

I saw a picture of my boyfriend when he was with his ex, he had fallen asleep on her, and saw how skinny she was… I got myself all worked up. First I was like, “See Jessi, that’s what happens when you go snooping on people’s Facebook pages.” Then I realized how happy they once were, and thought about how happy August and I once were. I miss the beginning. And then tears poured everywhere. I do realize that there is a reason he is not with her anymore, she treated him like shit. I just got reminded of how we used to be. I miss it. I miss how happy he use to be. Sometimes I feel like I am holding on to keep him happy. Or am I holding on to keep myself happy? Are we meant to be, and are going through a rough patch of trying to grow together or are we slowly deteriorating?

It sucks being sad. When I am sad I feel like the world is attacking me from all angles. I think about if I should be with August anymore, if I spend enough time with my son, or if my paycheck is going to make it until I get paid again. I think about my weight and how  I feel like it is holding me back from my true potential, and wonder if I really have that shitty of a personality? Then when I am happy boom, everything is okay. I feel like a great mother, have the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, and am neutral about my weight. My brain keeps going back and forth, by now I am sure August thinks I am crazy. As well he should. Because I am. Crazy.

I feel uncomfortable being me. I am holding on and refuse to fall apart, but I need results before I start taking out my frustrations on everyone around me.

Sincerely,

Why do I fuck everything up?