Title this

There is a fine line between treating a woman with respect and how you are now treating me. I believe the person you were months ago would have kicked your ass.

I give no more fucks.

Press record

Dear You,
I made a huge mistake and watched some of your youtube videos. What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be really fucking stupid.

Sincerely,
Does it really matter what I write here anymore...

Words don't exist, your actions do.

What happened? 

Loose lips sink ships

Dear You,
I just wanted to see how you were doing. I know when you are holding things in, and right now you are about to explode. Please talk to me, or someone. You need to get it out of you. With all the things that have happened, I still love you. You can't just suddenly unlove someone. So let me be there for you, because I know you better than anyone else and you know me better than anyone else.

Sincerely,
You know you need to talk about it.

Y U NO....

Dear "the actual fuck",
Just a day, just an ordinary day.. just trying to get by.

Worked today, went by fast. Then I got my car some what fixed. The alignment needed to be done so I brought it to the actual Subaru store instead of a tire place. Cost me $90.00 but they fixed it and now I can drive not worrying about my car exploding. There is a bunch of other things wrong with my car but fuck, one step at a time please. I also replaced the tire that was pretty damn near to popping. Again, one less heart attack while driving my 45 minutes to work going 80 mph....

I have an interview at the Concord store on Friday. I am pretty cocky about this. I believe I will get the job, so I am not too worried about it. I just hate interviews. I usually just have a bunch of word vomit come out when answers questions about customers.

I feel less stressed today, like a weight has been lifted. Even before sitting in the Subaru waiting room for 2.5 hours (fml),  my heart didn't pound as much as it use to. Maybe this is finally the start to me being the best that I can be.

Should I give you your ring back?

Dear You,
Mikey came back from his father's today. All he wanted to talk about was how he wanted to play with you and have you bring him on the lawn mower.

I feel like you are seeing someone else already. I don't know for a fact, I don't ask our friends about you anymore. I am giving you want you want. Freedom from me. You don't need to know anything about my life, because you never cared.

sincerely,
I think that friend lied about you reading this, or are you that heartless?

Innotations

Dear Society,
Am I an amazing person because I feel as though once you've found love you never give up on it? Or am I a fucking psycho because I won't let go of the person I love? Because I am starting to feel like both.
Sincerely,
I would rather someone never give up on me and be a little crazy then for someone to give up up and never show their face again.

Something Corporate

Dear You,
I've been told that you have been reading what I post on this, which I didn't think was possible because I figured you'd forgotten about this. I didn't want you to know how I really felt. It's not fair for you to know how I feel, and for me not to have any clue how you feel.

For me it wasn't over. I've been writing everyday. Sometimes I write pages upon pages about the time we spent together. But then I just delete it all because I need to realize that those are not the same memories you have. You probably have the memories of me getting jealous. Me getting upset because I'd take what you'd say the wrong way. Me wanting to go to bed early and not being fun anymore. Me waking you up too early, and then telling you how grumpy you were. You telling me how much you didn't like it when I pointed that out, and I didn't listen very well, did I? It's too late now, but for what it is worth I am sorry for not listening to you. I'm sorry for the inconsiderate things I would say with out thinking them through. It wasn't fair of me to ask you to be considerate of my feelings, and for me to not be considerate of yours. I really don't remember our fights. To me they weren't important. I glorify the good times, and you most likely glorify the bad. That's what I tell myself at least... to get by. To not expect you to call me. Because really, if you really loved me you would be just as torn, you would have broken down, as I have almost so many times to call you. I come so close, I pick up my phone and then I put it down. I tell myself mean things that I think you are feeling. You moved on because it's over for you. I don't know when it will be over for me. I hope it will soon, because feelings are gross.

Sincerely,
I am trying to move on, I really am.

But then this shit happens.

Chameleon

Dear ex-lovers,
    Karma can really be a bitch. It may seem like I am falling apart now, but soon my dreams will come true because no matter what you throw at me or how you hurt me I will keep fucking standing. You all had your big dreams, and I was by your side to help you, to be there for you. I would have done anything for all of you.

Love is a funny thing, isn't it? One minute you are in love, and are ready to take on the world together. The next, you are flat on your face wondering just what the fuck happened. You all never gave me the chance that I deserved. You all, over the course of one night, or with some of you many nights of fucking other women, decided that everything our love stood for was useless garbage. I'm sorry I am not perfect, but I think what I do give in a relationship might be worth someone's while. Forgive me for wanting to show affection, or missing you when you are not around. Perhaps I should have ignored you all, and bestow the same unkindness you gave to me. It's easy to forget someone when you are self centered. What you all did to me was selfish and unforgivable. Which could explain why I have still held on to all the pain and sadness. I carry it around with me like a chip on my shoulder. A pretty big fucking chip, I might say.

 Every heartache hurts more, like the wound in my heart that was healing ripped back open. Scarred tissue, left mangled and poorly cared for. Some might quit on love and all the pain it brings. Sometimes I wonder why I continue to abuse myself like this. Then I remember what love, real love feels like. Love is kind and nonjudgmental. Love does not care if you are fat, thin, gay, straight, queer, or trans*. Love knows no boundaries when it is true. Love is the most honest form of friendship. An understanding and trust that you need no promises to be made to know that they will stay. Perhaps I am living in a fairy tale. This foolish idea of love could be the reason that all my relationships haven't worked out. But I continue to hold out hope because if I don't...who will? Will real love fail to exist once it is forgotten? I can't give up. Waking up and knowing that there is someone out there for me keeps me going. Not to complete me, but for us to compliment each other. Rambling on too far now...My mind has run away with me.

Just remember, think... Think before you get too far into a relationship. Decide if this is someone you can stand being with all the time. Whether or not you would want to be calling them and saying goodnight every night when you are apart until you are together again. That you would fight for them and never give up. Because the biggest mistake that anyone can make is giving up on love.

Sincerely,
If I didn't stop writing I would have went on forever.

Drunken rants

Dear A.B.,
And then the awesome sappy posts start to make me deteriorate and I feel alone and realize that he doesn't give a shit about me....what so ever. It must be nice to just let go  of things as easily as you. It's hard to fall asleep because you haunt me at night and when I wake up I cry and wish you would still text me on your way to work, or when you got out of work. Am I really that much of a piece of shit? Am I that easy to forget? You can just fuck some other girl and not think twice about what we had? 

Maybe, just maybe, you are lying to yourself and keeping distance to make me get over you so I stop hurting because you treated me poorly. Or perhaps I really meant so little to you. At least I didn't use you or lie to you. This is going to fuck me over in the morning I just know it but the "create post" button is so close.... Fuck it, not like you'll read it. If anything you'll read it and laugh at how pathetic you've made me. I hope you are happy.

Sincerely,

I feel fucking bipolar the way I keep going back and forth.

Lucid dreaming

Dear A.B.,
I had a dream last night you where already seeing someone else. Fuck. This sucks. I didn't even cry, I can just feel my heart exploding. It's all inside pain, and I am doing pretty good at not showing my emotions in person. Everyone thinks I am doing great. I am a very sick and twisted individual.
Sincerely,
Stop showing up in my dreams and I'll stop writing about you

Post apocalyptic

Dear A.B.,
I'm particularly impressed with how I was so controlling and you couldn't hang out with your friends.. Also it must have been hard being trapped underneath me....because you hung out with your friends almost every night. God forbid you called me one night out of the week. You realize that instead of texting me, you are now texting other people. Which you weren't doing before...and I NEVER kept you from texting or talking to them. Oh gosh, it must have been so hard doing what ever you wanted. Oh, and me wanting you to quit smoking pot... goodness it is just so gosh darn awful when your significant other cares about you and doesn't want you to get in trouble with illegal shit. Guys also must really hate having a girlfriend that would actually be okay with them going to a strip bar. So glad you are free from all of that. Must have been rough.

Stop lying about me being controlling. You can even ask your friends, a lot of them think you are fucking crazy, and are going to spiral out of control. They all think that I am going to be the one that got away. What do I know... I have let you be yourself all along. But that isn't enough for you. You need someone to wait on you hand and foot. Wow, that is really sounding familiar. Maybe just like Mike, the one person you despise most. Gee whiz. I just can't get away from the jerk and using types. Really cool using me for the weekend to drive you to your appointment by the way.

Wishing you the best with your endeavors,
Someone who is way better off with one less user and liar in her life.

Logic

Dear A.B.,
I have come to realize that you need this. You need to be 21 and be a young stallion. The pressures of a kid were too much for you, not to mention the pressures of settling down. I am upset, well scratch that I am more that just upset by the fact that we talked about over and over again how you understood the responsibility that comes with a single mother, but you really weren't ready where you? You thought it was great in theory, but reality bit you in the ass. Being a dad is hard work, and is a great feeling when you are ready and you were not. I also see that you need to be for lack of a better word, a slut for a bit. You are 21 and about to have a bachelor pad, no one wants to be tied down worrying about gfs/bfs. You want to explore yourself and the world. I did to, unfortunately at 21 I was pregnant and was ready to take on the responsibilities of motherhood. That was me though, my life and not yours. I wish for you to find yourself and see the many possibilities the world holds for you. I will go to school and continue my life as I always have. I am ready for things you are not, and that is okay. No one can hold you back but yourself.

Mikey misses you and wants to see you, Connor, and Braedon. I told him what happened and he was very upset but I told him how you love him very much and I am sure you miss him too. I think that is what you would have told him if you had to tell him about our break up. He doesn't understand, but he'll continue to ask about you and I'll continue to say you are at home until he stops or understands completely.

 Please don't worry about me, I am fine. I am better everyday that passes. Some hours are worse than others, but I can still function. Hearts heal with time, and hey it's like I am one more heartbreak closer to my happy ending. Perhaps one day you will  be my happy ending... and maybe you won't. I am just not going to bring myself to a level where I am pathetic. That's pointless and crying isn't going to bring you back or change your mind. I know even this won't even make you think twice, but at least I can say that I am a good person. I had no problem with you being yourself. I am glad I was there for you and helped with your transition. I hope you never look down at yourself and think bad thoughts. I hope your top surgery goes well, and I hope all the people that care and love you will be by your side when you need them most.

I hope you don't take the bad thoughts with you when you remember me. I don't want to think back and get upset, and neither should you. Promise me you will always think good thoughts about me, even if the promises you have made you didn't keep... just keep this one.

Sincerely,
I know where I stand.

Give me heart break for 500, Bob..

Dear A.B.,

I just want to say first and foremost that I miss you. It’s only been a day and I already miss your voice. I miss texting you. I hope you had a good day given the circumstances. Mikey asked about you today, I just told him you were in Vermont. I don’t feel like it would be right to tell him you won’t be around anymore. I don’t want to break his heart. He really looks up to you, and I want him to always think back and remember that he looked up to you because you were a great mentor for him. 

I’m sorry for the way I said goodbye. No one deserves an ending like that and I respect you too much to have things end so wrong. But that just the thing, this feels wrong. I feel like I’m Alice and I am looking at my life through glass with water pouring over it. I am trying my hardest to be strong and not be a complete and utter mess, but we were together for a year and four months. No one can move on that fast with how much we have been through. Our song played three times today, it took me a few minutes to catch my breathe the last time I heard it. 

I am not mad at you. I am hurt and feel like I have been hit by a car with how abruptly our lives that were so intertwined together ended. You want to know what I think about when I think about you? I think about how in bed I’d tickle you and you’d get mad but I loved hearing your laugh so I did it anyway. God I miss your laugh. I think about the times our song came on and you pulled me aside and started slow dancing with me. Our talks about the future and how you were going to have a truck and I would get a mini van so I could be the soccer mom. The moments where  I was looking into your eyes and you told me I was beautiful and that you loved me. I will always cherish the moments we had together. You were the first person to really understand and know me. You knew all my quirks and knew when I was angry, even if I was trying to hide it. Our singing, oh god. Do you remember our poop song? Or singing Yellow Card at the top of our lungs? I think about when I first met you, and how I had no idea how much I would miss you…

We have been through a lot together. Appointments, name changing, fights, weddings, family-get-togethers…etc. I want to say I am sorry. I’m sorry for not always thinking clearly, getting jealous for no reason, and for letting my insecurities getting the best of me. I’m also sorry for any pain you are going through. But through it all, fuck… I still love you. I still want to wake up next to you.

All my love,

Broken

Who are you?

Dear A.B.
I don't even know you anymore. You are completely different person now.
Sincerely,
...and that scares the shit out of me