Give me heart break for 500, Bob..

Dear A.B.,

I just want to say first and foremost that I miss you. It’s only been a day and I already miss your voice. I miss texting you. I hope you had a good day given the circumstances. Mikey asked about you today, I just told him you were in Vermont. I don’t feel like it would be right to tell him you won’t be around anymore. I don’t want to break his heart. He really looks up to you, and I want him to always think back and remember that he looked up to you because you were a great mentor for him. 

I’m sorry for the way I said goodbye. No one deserves an ending like that and I respect you too much to have things end so wrong. But that just the thing, this feels wrong. I feel like I’m Alice and I am looking at my life through glass with water pouring over it. I am trying my hardest to be strong and not be a complete and utter mess, but we were together for a year and four months. No one can move on that fast with how much we have been through. Our song played three times today, it took me a few minutes to catch my breathe the last time I heard it. 

I am not mad at you. I am hurt and feel like I have been hit by a car with how abruptly our lives that were so intertwined together ended. You want to know what I think about when I think about you? I think about how in bed I’d tickle you and you’d get mad but I loved hearing your laugh so I did it anyway. God I miss your laugh. I think about the times our song came on and you pulled me aside and started slow dancing with me. Our talks about the future and how you were going to have a truck and I would get a mini van so I could be the soccer mom. The moments where  I was looking into your eyes and you told me I was beautiful and that you loved me. I will always cherish the moments we had together. You were the first person to really understand and know me. You knew all my quirks and knew when I was angry, even if I was trying to hide it. Our singing, oh god. Do you remember our poop song? Or singing Yellow Card at the top of our lungs? I think about when I first met you, and how I had no idea how much I would miss you…

We have been through a lot together. Appointments, name changing, fights, weddings, family-get-togethers…etc. I want to say I am sorry. I’m sorry for not always thinking clearly, getting jealous for no reason, and for letting my insecurities getting the best of me. I’m also sorry for any pain you are going through. But through it all, fuck… I still love you. I still want to wake up next to you.

All my love,

Broken