I feel so distraught. There's something in the pit of my stomach. Makes my heart skip a beat. It's almost like my stomach hurts, but it's kind of in my lungs too... You know when people say their heart hurts, when it comes to emotions? It's kind of like that. I can't stand feeling like this. On the verge on tears, but I refuse to cry. Why do I feel like this... I hate it. Why do I always have to be the one that is clear and steps up to the plate? Why can't other people just come to me first? I always bring things up and have to dig for answers. I am pretty straight forward, unless I don't want you to know. I avoid subjects for a reason, but this subject is obnoxious. I don't know what is up or down. People are so confusing. I just want a straight answer. Tell me... Don't tip toe around it. Don't assume I know what your saying. Just tell me...
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Save me a seat....
Today....
Went to look at a couple cars with my friend. He was kind enough to cart my ass everywhere, and I thank him for that. We drove all the way to Salem, there is a Chevy Cavalier for $1,500. Only 86,000 miles on it. I'm pretty impressed with this car. Tomorrow the seller is bringing it up to Manchester so that a garage of my choosing can check it out and make sure it doesn't have anything wrong with it. (Though the garage is not of my choosing, my friend chose it but I have full confidence in him.) I have to work 3:30 AM to 12 PM tomorrow. I then have to go to the garage for 1 PM with my friend for the car. Then if I decide to buy it, assuming the car has no major issues, drive the seller back to his house since he won't have transportation back to his place. Then I need to get back to work for 3 PM for a mandatory store meeting. Gee whiz. Lastly, I must find a ride home from said meeting if I don't buy the car or can't get 20 day plates for it. ( I have an issue with the DMV at the moment concerning car ownership, involves the SR-22 agreement.) Busy day tomorrow.
School....
School starts March 21rst. I have signed up for 5 classes. With the intentions of not getting into all of them. If I do get into all of them I will drop 2. I suppose I can be a little over ambitious sometimes. I feel mentally prepared for school. Now for the fiances and class schedules... that's another story. I will get into that when the time draws nearer to start up. I want to make sure everything is set up before I actually do the worrying.
Home life...
A friend let me borrow the book The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath. I am in love with it thus far. I actually stopped reading my other book Bones, to finish reading this one.
Mikey got sick with a 24 hour bug. I felt so bad, all he wanted to do was cuddle. Poor guy, makes me feel so bad. This morning when he woke up I asked him how he was feeling and he said, "Better Mommy." While pointing to his mouth. ( He was vomiting yesterday, so he was letting me know he didn't feel like vomiting anymore.) Everyday he gets so much smarter and taller. He's not the baby I use to hold in my arms and sing to every night anymore. He'll always be my little baby, but soon he'll be a young man..... Time flies. He is the reason I get up everyday and work. The reason I want to go to school. The reason I want so much out of this life, because I want him to do the same. He has such a great personality. ( Like his mom. =] )
Off to read/bed.
Went to look at a couple cars with my friend. He was kind enough to cart my ass everywhere, and I thank him for that. We drove all the way to Salem, there is a Chevy Cavalier for $1,500. Only 86,000 miles on it. I'm pretty impressed with this car. Tomorrow the seller is bringing it up to Manchester so that a garage of my choosing can check it out and make sure it doesn't have anything wrong with it. (Though the garage is not of my choosing, my friend chose it but I have full confidence in him.) I have to work 3:30 AM to 12 PM tomorrow. I then have to go to the garage for 1 PM with my friend for the car. Then if I decide to buy it, assuming the car has no major issues, drive the seller back to his house since he won't have transportation back to his place. Then I need to get back to work for 3 PM for a mandatory store meeting. Gee whiz. Lastly, I must find a ride home from said meeting if I don't buy the car or can't get 20 day plates for it. ( I have an issue with the DMV at the moment concerning car ownership, involves the SR-22 agreement.) Busy day tomorrow.
School....
School starts March 21rst. I have signed up for 5 classes. With the intentions of not getting into all of them. If I do get into all of them I will drop 2. I suppose I can be a little over ambitious sometimes. I feel mentally prepared for school. Now for the fiances and class schedules... that's another story. I will get into that when the time draws nearer to start up. I want to make sure everything is set up before I actually do the worrying.
Home life...
A friend let me borrow the book The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath. I am in love with it thus far. I actually stopped reading my other book Bones, to finish reading this one.
Mikey got sick with a 24 hour bug. I felt so bad, all he wanted to do was cuddle. Poor guy, makes me feel so bad. This morning when he woke up I asked him how he was feeling and he said, "Better Mommy." While pointing to his mouth. ( He was vomiting yesterday, so he was letting me know he didn't feel like vomiting anymore.) Everyday he gets so much smarter and taller. He's not the baby I use to hold in my arms and sing to every night anymore. He'll always be my little baby, but soon he'll be a young man..... Time flies. He is the reason I get up everyday and work. The reason I want to go to school. The reason I want so much out of this life, because I want him to do the same. He has such a great personality. ( Like his mom. =] )
Off to read/bed.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Give me more
It has been brought to my attention that people want me to post more. Lol, didn't think anyone would really be reading this. Besides Sarah. :)
I am going to start school in March. Though I am not a fan of the first classes I have to take because not much is open. Though I'm sure when I start to register for my classes I can weed through them and make a schedule that works better for me. This is a very exciting moment in my life. I feel like dancing and singing, all the time. I just hope I can afford an apartment while going to school and working. I will probably have to work full time, wich I know will put a lot on me. I have to do something, I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. I have to make things happen.
It feels as though my income tax money will never come in. I have so much to do and get done, and I can't do any of it until that money comes in. I need to get an apartment of my own. I need a car. I need to square away my debts. One thing I am concerned about is my financial aid covering all of my tuition and books that I need. Otherwise, I won't be attending school until fall. Maybe I should wait until summer or fall. Give myself some time to save up? Maybe I am rushing and setting myself up for disaster. I would really love some feed back.
I've been reading a lot lately. I was never really into the written word. Never found a great fascination with it. Then there are always those section that you fill out, asking what your favorite books are. I have written the only books I remember reading. Which aren't a lot, and that made me sad. I want to be into reading... just not many books scream to me. The only ones I remember reading are the ones that stood out enough for me to care about. I bought a bunch of books to see what kind of books I could read with out getting bored. So far this book called, "Bones" seems to be peaking my interest. Sometimes I find myself laying in bed, knowing that I should go to bed but I just keep reading. Thinking to myself, -okay, just one more page and I'll put it away-. Usually ends up in six more pages before I actually turn out the light. Maybe it's not that I wasn't "into" reading, but it was more of what I wanted to read was hard to find and that made it hard for me to enjoy reading. I remember a book ( I can't remember the name and wish I could because I want to read it again) that was about a young girl growing up in the desert, in a religion where she was to be wed as soon as she got her period. I remember the author making her sound like such a spunky girl, who wasn't ready and didn't want anything to do with marriage or being a house wife. She wanted to help her dad and be free. She was wed to a man about her father's age, who had 11 wives already. I think I remember it being a series actually. I really wish I could remember the name.
I can't wait... to just be living. Learning. Making myself.
I am going to start school in March. Though I am not a fan of the first classes I have to take because not much is open. Though I'm sure when I start to register for my classes I can weed through them and make a schedule that works better for me. This is a very exciting moment in my life. I feel like dancing and singing, all the time. I just hope I can afford an apartment while going to school and working. I will probably have to work full time, wich I know will put a lot on me. I have to do something, I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. I have to make things happen.
It feels as though my income tax money will never come in. I have so much to do and get done, and I can't do any of it until that money comes in. I need to get an apartment of my own. I need a car. I need to square away my debts. One thing I am concerned about is my financial aid covering all of my tuition and books that I need. Otherwise, I won't be attending school until fall. Maybe I should wait until summer or fall. Give myself some time to save up? Maybe I am rushing and setting myself up for disaster. I would really love some feed back.
I've been reading a lot lately. I was never really into the written word. Never found a great fascination with it. Then there are always those section that you fill out, asking what your favorite books are. I have written the only books I remember reading. Which aren't a lot, and that made me sad. I want to be into reading... just not many books scream to me. The only ones I remember reading are the ones that stood out enough for me to care about. I bought a bunch of books to see what kind of books I could read with out getting bored. So far this book called, "Bones" seems to be peaking my interest. Sometimes I find myself laying in bed, knowing that I should go to bed but I just keep reading. Thinking to myself, -okay, just one more page and I'll put it away-. Usually ends up in six more pages before I actually turn out the light. Maybe it's not that I wasn't "into" reading, but it was more of what I wanted to read was hard to find and that made it hard for me to enjoy reading. I remember a book ( I can't remember the name and wish I could because I want to read it again) that was about a young girl growing up in the desert, in a religion where she was to be wed as soon as she got her period. I remember the author making her sound like such a spunky girl, who wasn't ready and didn't want anything to do with marriage or being a house wife. She wanted to help her dad and be free. She was wed to a man about her father's age, who had 11 wives already. I think I remember it being a series actually. I really wish I could remember the name.
I can't wait... to just be living. Learning. Making myself.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
One deep breath
I've been feeling very overwhelmed and confused lately.
My son's father did end up taking him for the weekend, but that was after I told him I was bringing him over anyway. I felt a bit empowered by the fact that I could finally stand up to him. He's always had power over me, I have always felt that I HAVE to be nice to him no matter what. He is the father of my child so I am suppose to treat him with respect, be nice to him, and feel bad when he is down and out because that's what I do. I help everyone, even if they have treated me like complete dirt. I don't know why this is... acceptance? Sometimes I just want to be the biggest bitch, but I can't. I feel like I am not allowed to be mean. Sometimes it feels like a curse that I actually look at things from all sides. I always look at things from other points of view before I respond or make my decision. Worried about how what I say will effect the other person/people. I want to be free of my mind. I want to be able to be mean and not worry about regretting what I have said. I don't know why I bother saying that because it's just what makes me, ME. If I had more brutal honesty, instead of sugar coating it I might not be the same person. I kind of like who I am. I think one day, when I have picked up all my broken pieces that I will be able to offer a lot to the people in my life. ( I hope that doesn't come off too cocky, not my intentions.) I just think that everyone has a lot to offer the people they keep around them. At least when they aren't a mess like myself.
I finished my application for MCC, I've even paid for the accuplacer test already. On Monday or Thursday I plan to take the test. Something inside me wants me to score very well. I feel like some where inside me there's lots of hidden potential just screaming to get out. I just need a place for that to come out of me. Plus, I've yet to meet someone that doesn't like to hear a compliment on their intellect. Whether it is an essay, or math score... inside we want to do amazing. Maybe even day dream about getting your tests scores back and seeing that you have scored the highest! HAH! (Yea, I do that.) I know it won't happen because I have so much to learn and work on. It's a nice thought though and keeps me optimistic.
I'm so worried about failing. I'm afraid that as soon as I start school I won't be able to afford anything. I understand that there are lots of single mothers out there that do work full time, and have their children full time, and perhaps even living on their own. I just don't want to over work myself. I'm not even worried about a social life, I think I'm more afraid of not having enough time with my son. I don't want him growing up and one day in school saying something that kids might say about their parents. Something silly they don't understand. "Moms on the computer all the time, so she doesn't play with me much." I don't want that to happen. I guess I can put that under my -biggest fear- section. Along with dieing without accomplishing anything in life, or leaving my mark. I don't think I have a fear of much else, well things that are relative anyway. Most of the general public is afraid of dieing alone. That is near the bottom of the list, I know people find someone in due time. I'm going off subject now....
I don't cry much, at least for a girl. (Yes, that is sexist) I probably cry about once a month or once every two, given the circumstances. I have to be completely stressed to the max. I hold things inside, basically putting them on the back burner until I feel they are worth crying over. You may feel that it is unhealthy for someone to hold things inside for so long. I just don't see the point in crying over everything that upsets me all the time. I'd be crying at least once a week if that were the case. Jeez, bills alone are enough to stress over and those come every Friday. Taking about half my paycheck. I feel if I were to let these things get the best of me every chance they could, then I would never push myself. I want to push myself to my limits, I strive to be a very strong person. The only way I can accomplish this is to keep jumping over the hurtles. Plus, {A little rain never hurt anybody.} Unless it's acid rain, or your that chick from Ripley's Believe it or not that got into an accident on the school bus that just happened to be where a chemical truck tipped over too. Yea, her own tears burn her face. Crazy. Must take an emotional strong girl to never cry, or accept that your face will feel like fire.
Yep, another mind boggler...
My son's father did end up taking him for the weekend, but that was after I told him I was bringing him over anyway. I felt a bit empowered by the fact that I could finally stand up to him. He's always had power over me, I have always felt that I HAVE to be nice to him no matter what. He is the father of my child so I am suppose to treat him with respect, be nice to him, and feel bad when he is down and out because that's what I do. I help everyone, even if they have treated me like complete dirt. I don't know why this is... acceptance? Sometimes I just want to be the biggest bitch, but I can't. I feel like I am not allowed to be mean. Sometimes it feels like a curse that I actually look at things from all sides. I always look at things from other points of view before I respond or make my decision. Worried about how what I say will effect the other person/people. I want to be free of my mind. I want to be able to be mean and not worry about regretting what I have said. I don't know why I bother saying that because it's just what makes me, ME. If I had more brutal honesty, instead of sugar coating it I might not be the same person. I kind of like who I am. I think one day, when I have picked up all my broken pieces that I will be able to offer a lot to the people in my life. ( I hope that doesn't come off too cocky, not my intentions.) I just think that everyone has a lot to offer the people they keep around them. At least when they aren't a mess like myself.
I finished my application for MCC, I've even paid for the accuplacer test already. On Monday or Thursday I plan to take the test. Something inside me wants me to score very well. I feel like some where inside me there's lots of hidden potential just screaming to get out. I just need a place for that to come out of me. Plus, I've yet to meet someone that doesn't like to hear a compliment on their intellect. Whether it is an essay, or math score... inside we want to do amazing. Maybe even day dream about getting your tests scores back and seeing that you have scored the highest! HAH! (Yea, I do that.) I know it won't happen because I have so much to learn and work on. It's a nice thought though and keeps me optimistic.
I'm so worried about failing. I'm afraid that as soon as I start school I won't be able to afford anything. I understand that there are lots of single mothers out there that do work full time, and have their children full time, and perhaps even living on their own. I just don't want to over work myself. I'm not even worried about a social life, I think I'm more afraid of not having enough time with my son. I don't want him growing up and one day in school saying something that kids might say about their parents. Something silly they don't understand. "Moms on the computer all the time, so she doesn't play with me much." I don't want that to happen. I guess I can put that under my -biggest fear- section. Along with dieing without accomplishing anything in life, or leaving my mark. I don't think I have a fear of much else, well things that are relative anyway. Most of the general public is afraid of dieing alone. That is near the bottom of the list, I know people find someone in due time. I'm going off subject now....
I don't cry much, at least for a girl. (Yes, that is sexist) I probably cry about once a month or once every two, given the circumstances. I have to be completely stressed to the max. I hold things inside, basically putting them on the back burner until I feel they are worth crying over. You may feel that it is unhealthy for someone to hold things inside for so long. I just don't see the point in crying over everything that upsets me all the time. I'd be crying at least once a week if that were the case. Jeez, bills alone are enough to stress over and those come every Friday. Taking about half my paycheck. I feel if I were to let these things get the best of me every chance they could, then I would never push myself. I want to push myself to my limits, I strive to be a very strong person. The only way I can accomplish this is to keep jumping over the hurtles. Plus, {A little rain never hurt anybody.} Unless it's acid rain, or your that chick from Ripley's Believe it or not that got into an accident on the school bus that just happened to be where a chemical truck tipped over too. Yea, her own tears burn her face. Crazy. Must take an emotional strong girl to never cry, or accept that your face will feel like fire.
Yep, another mind boggler...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Implode.
Seriously? My ex can't see his son again. "Bad weekend." I am so sick of this bullshit. I've had enough. I'm sick of waiting for other people, like I am right now. I am sick of people saying they can't do things. I am sick of being led on. I feel like just collapsing inward. Is this what it feels like to be on the border of giving up on the human race? Maybe it is better to stay away. Fuck this. I am so over you. You, the one that is late or likes to flake out. The one that lies constantly. The one that doesn't appreciate anything I do for them. The one that doesn't care about me trying to get an education. The one that likes to dish it but can't take it. The one that thinks they are so much fucking better than everyone else, because they are a bit more intellectual than the norm. The one that likes to say they are looking for a relationship, but then is like oh, never mind I'm not ready for a relationship yet. The one that sleep with any girl that walks in the room with their legs wide open. The one that doesn't even try to take a deeper look. I give up. Go fuck yourselves.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Means to an end...
Boy meets girl...
Boy and girl find each other attractive...
Both really enjoy spending time together...
Decide to take their time to get to know each other...
It's a good thing they did...
Boy decides he isn't that interested in girl..
Girl hides her true feelings and says she feels the same...
Life goes on.
OR
Girl gets turned off by many personality issues in boy...
Girl is a bit shallow...
Girl doesn't like to play games...
Girl can't make up her mind...
Girl gives up.
Life continues still.
I just can't seem to hold on to anyone nor can anyone hold onto me. If they seem too interested in me, it's like I find an excuse to not like them. If I like someone more than usual, they seem to not be as interested in me.
Lesson: Stop liking everyone. lol Just kidding, that isn't realistic.
I think I still have some growing up to do. I have come to the conclusion that if you seem too eager in the beginning it'll usually end badly. Not all cases, but most. Though if you don't seem eager at all, you might lose your chance. A nice middle ground should suffice. Not like I am one to be giving out relationship advice. I have been through my share, long and short. I think now I might know what I'm looking for, I am just not what those particular people are looking for. I guess in the end, my friends were right. I need to get myself together before I can even bother looking for a relationship. Or I am going to keep letting people down, or keep getting let down myself. I wish I could apologize to all the guys/girls I've hurt on my mission to find myself. I feel as though I deserve it when I am hurt. What goes around comes around, and I strongly believe that. I also believe that there is a goblin of some sorts stealing all my socks so I can't find pairs, but that's beside the point.
I am so ecstatic about the 11th! New car and new apartment here I come! I honestly don't know what else to say. I started this post thinking I was going to talk about other things than relationship crap, but towards the end I realized I had nothing interesting to say. So that's about it...
Boy and girl find each other attractive...
Both really enjoy spending time together...
Decide to take their time to get to know each other...
It's a good thing they did...
Boy decides he isn't that interested in girl..
Girl hides her true feelings and says she feels the same...
Life goes on.
OR
Girl gets turned off by many personality issues in boy...
Girl is a bit shallow...
Girl doesn't like to play games...
Girl can't make up her mind...
Girl gives up.
Life continues still.
I just can't seem to hold on to anyone nor can anyone hold onto me. If they seem too interested in me, it's like I find an excuse to not like them. If I like someone more than usual, they seem to not be as interested in me.
Lesson: Stop liking everyone. lol Just kidding, that isn't realistic.
I think I still have some growing up to do. I have come to the conclusion that if you seem too eager in the beginning it'll usually end badly. Not all cases, but most. Though if you don't seem eager at all, you might lose your chance. A nice middle ground should suffice. Not like I am one to be giving out relationship advice. I have been through my share, long and short. I think now I might know what I'm looking for, I am just not what those particular people are looking for. I guess in the end, my friends were right. I need to get myself together before I can even bother looking for a relationship. Or I am going to keep letting people down, or keep getting let down myself. I wish I could apologize to all the guys/girls I've hurt on my mission to find myself. I feel as though I deserve it when I am hurt. What goes around comes around, and I strongly believe that. I also believe that there is a goblin of some sorts stealing all my socks so I can't find pairs, but that's beside the point.
I am so ecstatic about the 11th! New car and new apartment here I come! I honestly don't know what else to say. I started this post thinking I was going to talk about other things than relationship crap, but towards the end I realized I had nothing interesting to say. So that's about it...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
You could get with this or you could get with that
I went to my tour and interview and SNHU. I fell completely in love with the school during the tour. It has so much to offer. Though I do find that there 5 or 6 food stores/cafeterias a bit too much, but a not deal breaker. When I was finished the tour, I was so ready to just fill out the application. I was even more excited about the interview than ever. When I sat down and started talking, I felt it was going very smooth and I was actually going to be able to go to this school. Unfortunately, the adviser said that he recommended going to a community college first to build up my credits. Also would improve my chances of being able to get a scholarship. I'm not going to lie... I was completely bummed. I have calmed myself though, and realized that it was the best choice. I am probably going to go to MCC (Manchester Community College), and take all my basic classes for a very inexpensive fee. Makes a lot more sense in the long run. Saving money is always a good thing.
Inside I find myself fighting what path I want to take. I originally thought that I would want Forensic Psychology. Now I think I am leaning more towards a Science related degree. This is something that I also enjoy thoroughly. It is going to take me a great deal of time to make this decision. It's only the rest of my life I'm planning, right?
I wish I could find a decent roommate, so I could get a nice place when I move out. That isn't looking promising though. The best thing I can think of is just living alone. I know I can trust myself. Every time I've moved out in the past I have moved in with someone else, or have gotten a place with someone. All have ended in failure. Plus, I need to learn how to finance with my own money , and not getting help from someone else concerning rent and what not. This will also be a big step for me. If you have read my first post, I stated that at my age I believe that I should be married by now. For my age group at least. So, I didn't see myself having to move into an apartment alone. Figured I'd move in with a significant other, I learned the hard way that the significant other doesn't always stick around. Having a place of my own will be great, lonely, but great. I won't have to worry about someone moving out because of a break up, or me having to move out wich is the usual case. So far 2011 is looking to be the start of something good, maybe a whole new me. I am very curious to see what happens. One step at a time, first things first. Get a car, then get an apartment, than start school. Perhaps a relationship? Hmm, I'd allow it.
Inside I find myself fighting what path I want to take. I originally thought that I would want Forensic Psychology. Now I think I am leaning more towards a Science related degree. This is something that I also enjoy thoroughly. It is going to take me a great deal of time to make this decision. It's only the rest of my life I'm planning, right?
I wish I could find a decent roommate, so I could get a nice place when I move out. That isn't looking promising though. The best thing I can think of is just living alone. I know I can trust myself. Every time I've moved out in the past I have moved in with someone else, or have gotten a place with someone. All have ended in failure. Plus, I need to learn how to finance with my own money , and not getting help from someone else concerning rent and what not. This will also be a big step for me. If you have read my first post, I stated that at my age I believe that I should be married by now. For my age group at least. So, I didn't see myself having to move into an apartment alone. Figured I'd move in with a significant other, I learned the hard way that the significant other doesn't always stick around. Having a place of my own will be great, lonely, but great. I won't have to worry about someone moving out because of a break up, or me having to move out wich is the usual case. So far 2011 is looking to be the start of something good, maybe a whole new me. I am very curious to see what happens. One step at a time, first things first. Get a car, then get an apartment, than start school. Perhaps a relationship? Hmm, I'd allow it.
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