Haiku

For Renee,



Jokes are meant for smiling,
I like to laugh a lot,
someone made me cry today.

Twinkle twinkle

When I was a kid I imagined the earth was really someone's head. That the trees and grass were hair, bodies of water were the mouth and eyes, and the desert was bald spots. Like we were all just living on some old guys head. It isn't a stretch to say I was a weird kid. I never had an imaginary friend, but I did pretend I was Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz, and Toto was chasing me around the yard trying to bite my ankles. I remember thinking I could control the wind when I had very strong emotions. On windy days I'd tell the wind to just blow as hard as it could until I felt better. I remember wishing I was a witch, so I could control mother nature. Ah, yes...the good old days....


                             I remember laying on the grass in my yard and looking up at the stars at night. Seeing how bright they were, I really did think they were the stars you draw on paper. I had no idea they were planets and suns... It's amazing how our imagination works when we are not tainted by society. Though I do enjoy learning, I do miss the days that I thought UFO's would come after me if my brother and sister used the flash light to send the "S.O.S." signal in the sky. How easily we can believe someone when we were kids. We had dreams of becoming astronauts, paleontologists, doctors, the president, or super heroes. Our parents or teachers would tell us we could be, if we worked really hard and stuck to our goals. Have any of us actually become what we wanted to be when we were 6? I didn't, when I realized all the boring details of becoming a paleontologist... the idea is interesting. The actual process is boring, and I would hate to be in uncomfortable weather all the time... depending on where you are looking. Now that I looked in to the things I think I will enjoy, I find myself being unable to choose my final destination. Going off track...

I think the point of me writing about being a kid is because I miss having such an active imagination. I use to make things. Writing and drawing we're my favorite things to do when I was younger. I was all for pulling out my coloring books, or when I got older, writing poetry. I don't even know where all my writing went. I even wrote a book once. Never left the computer of course, but that computer is non-existent now. I miss when I enjoyed writing and being artistic. I think my favorite classes in school were english, science, art, and wood shop. What happened? Did I get too caught up in current event? Fashion? The "in-crowd?" I hope school opens me up again, like when I was younger. So my mind can run wild with thoughts and ideas again.
  

You don't have to come and confess

I do believe this deserves a update, seeing as a lot has happened in the past few days... and to be honest sometimes I am just too lazy to update. Let's go back now... I have bought a new car. 2003 Dodge Neon SE. Nothing fancy, it's a Neon.. so we all know it's basically crap. She's my hoopty though, so I love it just the same. I have some work to do on it, but at least I know the things I fix will be new so I won't have to fix them later when I don't have the money. That's usually how it goes.


I have my new lap top, which is basically amazing. Such an upgrade compared to my other lap top. Now I can school it with more ease. It's an HP Probook. I fancy it. Really not much to say on the computer subject, seeing as it's a computer.. what else can I really say? I'm sure it's nothing you really want to read. Boring if anything.

I feel like I've been working non stop lately. Everyday I stay past my shift, not that it's a horrible thing. I just feel worn out. I slept until 9:45 today! If you know what time I usually get up, then you know that that's the equivalent of sleeping until 2 PM. Also was an hour late for work. Wicked cool, I get so down on myself. I hate being "the douche" that's late for work. I seem to fuck everything up at some point in time. It's not like I have horrible self esteem issues or anything. I just believe that I can always do better. I refuse to give my second best when my best is what is expected.


So someone said to me that being bisexual is the same as being straight. I felt angry about this statement. I kept my mouth, it wasn't a good time to get into a big debate about sexual preference. Especially with me drinking at the time. I am not an angry drunk, though I've never been mad while drinking, I figure I handled myself well by just not getting into the subject any further. Thinking back now I am annoyed. It's not like it really matters, but for some reason it does to me. Yet, I still can't come up with a reason why the statement bothers me. Doesn't really make any sense. Maybe the person was right?

               So I started writing this blog so that my writing skills can get better. I look back at my first posts, and I feel like it hasn't. Discouraging to say the least. I was hoping I would get increasingly better, but it looks like I just put words together better than before. Other than that I am still obsessed with commas. :) 

Determination

I got my new lap top today and buying a 2003 Dodge Neon tomorrow. Life seems pretty good so far. Even though my entire tax refund is basically depleted. I am okay with that though. I paid my bills, got a car, got a lap top for school, bought some books, and also a beginners guitar. I feel I have in no way "threw away" my money. I am glad I am getting so much better with my money. I no longer just buy things at random. I actually shop around for the best price, imagine that.


I posted this video from youtube.com because of the song lyrics. The video is okay, but I don't care for videos as much as I do for the songs. I feel this song can speak to a lot of us. I also feel like it goes a lot with the changes I have been making in my life over the last 8 months. I am glad I can look back and know that I have changed for the better. This is such a great song about wanting more than what you've grown up on. To me it symbolizes a life in a somewhat small, safe place, like the suburbs. Sidewalks literally represent safety from cars and metaphorically safety from doing anything too dangerous or out of your normal behavior. He just wants to get away from the boredom of where he is and do something great with his life. Everyone interprets lyrics differently, that's what I interpreted.


                  I just know that I want so much more out of life than working in food service, and just barely surviving on minimum wage. Not that I have some desire to be filthy rich, I just want to live comfortably. I don't want debt, and if my car breaks down I want to be able to afford to fix it or get a new one. I don't need a big fancy television or house. I am okay with a modest house in a 
modest town. I don't want to live in the city, just close enough to civilization, just not too close.




I just want to take this time to thank my friend Sarah. Thank you for all the help you've given me. It means so much to me, and you've really pushed me hard. Even to the point where I get angry and almost fight with you. I know you mean well. You will probably always be my best friend, and are the most amazing friend anyone could ever ask for.


I'd also like to thank my other friend, though I don't know if he'd like me to say his name on here, so we'll just call him "Toby." Thank you "Toby" for all the help, you are a new friend and I have only known you for a short time, but during that short time you have help me greatly and pushed me as well to do better for myself. You are a dime a dozen, and I hope we continue in our friendship for many years to come.


 It's hard to find friends like you two, especially for the fact that I have two of you.. I am so blessed to have you both in my life. Thank you for being there when I need you the most, and caring so much about me. Words can not explain or add up to the gratitude you both deserve from me. :)

Now that I just got all wishy-washy emotional on you, I'll just walk away because I have nothing else better to write about. Good times, good times.

Reminiscence?

Now that I am starting school soon...

I have been so excited to learn as much as I possibly can, and decide for myself what my future will entail. With all this thinking of the future, I started thinking about my past. I decided to write about it. 

When I was younger, probably between the ages of 17 and 20, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. If anything during the time I thought maybe I was just going to spend the rest of my life at Dunkin' Donuts. I had no problem with that, seeing as I was making a lot of money as a store manager; with hopes of one day becoming a district or regional manager. School wasn't something I was thinking about. Then after about a year of dating my ex I realized I wanted more for myself.  I didn't want to be just another person stuck in a fast food career for the rest of my life. I always felt like everyone knew more than me. I'm more street smart than book smart. I would rather have a little of both than just knowledge of one.

I remember when I was 18, I decided to check out Hesser College because I thought that was what you were suppose to do. Turn 18, go to college. I also had thought that it was expected of me. Seeing as I always thought of myself as the black sheep of the family. My brother and sister had both dropped out and had no plans on going to college, so I thought I had to prove them wrong. At the time I had no idea what I was doing, nor did I know how much money was involved with school. I only knew that Hesser accepted GED's. Since I had dropped out, that was the only option; so I thought. I went to see and adviser with my parents and we talked about what I wanted to go to school for. At the time I wanted to be a psychologist, so it seemed best fit to study psychology. I think they gave me a rough estimate of about two-thousand dollars. My mouth just about hit the floor. If anyone has seen my dumb-founded, than you can imagine how blank and baffled my mind was at that point in time. I wanted to crawl into my sweat shirt and just cry. I can just imagine if I had, bright red hair sticking out of the top of my sweat shirt with soft sobs coming out from underneath, all the while my parents and the adviser just staring... thinking to themselves "OH GREAT!" 

My parents wouldn't co-sign for the loan, and I had no idea about financial aid. I assumed that maybe school just wasn't for me...and went on with my life as a loyal Dunkin's employee. Just think, if only I had pushed myself as I do now I would have looked into school more and figured out everything that I needed to know... perhaps even be graduated by now and starting or living my career. I have a feeling things would have been a lot different if I had the mind I have now, then. Not that I regret my son, or the mistakes I've made. I wouldn't be the person I am today without my mistakes. I feel I know so much now, well as much as a person can know about learning from accidents and mishaps.

I am happy that I am growing. My mind has changed a lot from when I was younger. I use to hate public places. I would have these panic attacks, and just have to leave. I was never a people person. I was very quiet and shy, never spoke up. I enjoyed hiding in the back. (Please for the love of god don't see me!) Now I am a pretty loud person, when I am comfortable in my surroundings.  Though there aren't many surroundings that make my uncomfortable. I don't have problems meeting new people, in fact I enjoy it! I am not afraid to be myself, or speak up when something is bothering me. The old me would have been envious of the new me. I like to think so at least. Well, that just a burp into my past. Hope it was worth the read.

Anything you can do... I can do better

So today was a bit discouraging. I found out the the original car I was going to buy was rusted all underneath. Wasn't about to buy that. I went to a few dealerships. I came so close to buying a $13,000 car with $320 a month payments... I knew I couldn't afford. I walked away. I am not completely angry about cars right now, I am just annoyed. I want a decent car now. I have the money, now I just need the car to come to me. I refuse to settle for anything. I need something reliable, that is a standard.  Didn't realize it would be this difficult. Oh well...

I'll probably post later on today...at the moment I just wanted to say something about the car situation.

...and then she said

So these are the books I now have in my ownership. I'm not quite sure what I like yet, so I got a bunch.

The Clique
Bones
Strangers In Death
Thursday Next
The Way Of The World
Butch Is A Noun
Girl, Interrupted
The Secret Year
The Boy In The Striped Pajamas
The Unquiet Mind
Get Me Out Of Here
A Little Book On Love

( If you'd read any of these I would love to hear what you thought of them. )

That should keep me busy for awhile. :)



Tomorrow I officially register for my classes.
I also will be able to register a vehicle....annnddddd will be most likely buying a vehicle.

Oh, tomorrow is Valentine's Day isn't it? Weird. I have no plans with anyone, but I'm okay with that. The last three years of  V-Day have been pretty shitty for me, and that's when I was in a relationship. I am glad I am actually single this year. I know it's cute and all, but I'm glad I don't have to conform and buy someone some undeserved "love" card and box of chocolates. Don't take my tone the wrong way. I am not walking around hating on love and people who are happy together. I am happy for them. I just think that if you care about someone deeply you should want to do nice things for them through out the year, not just one day. I never did the traditional "V-Day." I bought a card, yes. I don't fancy chocolates much...so I basically treat it like a Birthday or Christmas and buy them a bunch of things they want. Video games, tools, car stuff, cologne, etc. I get uncomfortable in romantic situations, so I usually just passed on the candle lit dinners. Perhaps I went about it all wrong?

              I haven't even started school yet it is always on my mind. I can imagine how bad it'll be when school actually starts. I'm excited to see what my first essay will be.



So I said something to a friend the other day, something to do with people writing essays about how they grew up gay or something to that effect. I remember using the word "cliche'." I am embarrassed that I actually said that. I didn't even put a lot of thought into the words I was saying. I can't believe the person who was saying such things was me.... I have always been a very open minded person. I don't know what came over me. I guess I have just been angry at the world lately. It is not like me to bash people. That day though, I felt very angry... and said things that I didn't actually believe. I don't think there is a way I can tell my friend that what I said I didn't mean, without looking like I am trying to "save myself." I saw the look in his eyes when I was talking, it almost looked like he was disappointed. At the time I didn't care. Now I think I need to learn how to control my impudent tongue. I am usually pretty good at hiding my moods. The only emotions I like for people to see on me is happy, or excited. Anger and sadness are not something people pick up on me, I hide it well I like to think. I just think that even though your sad or mad, you don't have to mope around. I like being optimistic. Usually puts me in a better mood in the end result. I do my emotional thinking on my own time... if that makes any sense? Well, just thought I'd share that.....