Pshyco - - Logy

I've come a long way from who I use to be--the person I was when I was with my ex. I was so bland. I feel as though I had no real personality and no real dreams. It's like he drained me of life. Not to say he was purposely doing so... I have myself to blame for that. Talking about this particular part of my life is a bit hard so bare with me. I have this way of suppressing memories. Most of the new people in my life seem to have noticed that when I start to talk about my past I have this big black hole that I just skip over….this is that black hole.  I don't like to tell people about it because I feel really embarrassed about how long I stayed with him. The relationship died about three months in and yet we stayed together for three years. I will never let that happen again. I will never let anyone have that much power over me again. I have been trying to break the patterns that I have become so adjusted to when it comes to relationships. I have become programmed to think that cuddling is bad because he didn't like it. And that I should always buy them things because that's the only thing that makes them happy.  He made me feel other people's needs come before mine. I know that these things aren't true and I should break these habits. I just can't seem to help myself. On the other hand I have become more bold and open.  Unlike before when I had to keep my mouth shut because my opinion and feelings didn't matter I can now tell people just how I feel about things.
  Before I started dating him I was so full of life. I was doing great. I had a car, 4 credit cards, one with a credit line of 3 grand; I was promoted to manager at work and was just happy in general. I was happy with life and everything going on in it. I was going out and having fun with my adult-teen years.  After we started dating I stopped hanging out with friends. I started to blow my money, neglect to pay bills and avoid my family. I also became pregnant. During that time all he wanted to do was go out with his friends and party. Soon after becoming pregnant he started cheating. All I could think was “I can't leave him because then my son will have a broken family. “ I was told things by him so ridiculous that even a ten year old wouldn't believe it. He would say things like “If you buy me an SRT-4 I'll buy you an engagement ring." REALLY?!? I can’t believe how fucking retarded I was. As you the reader can see I was so ashamed of the person I had become that I finally had to break free. I am a bit cracked and bruised but still working on myself. I still find it hard to believe anyone when they say they've never cheated and never will. Frankly, I hear that line a lot. I am competent enough to know that not every person out there cheats and lies about stupid things. Yet, it still makes me feel like I'm about to go through a yellow light… wondering if I should hit the brakes soon.

So this song is the only song that is just perfect for how I felt when I was with my ex. (note: I don't feel it is right to say names it wouldn't be fair to the other parties involved. To just throw their names around is blasphemy.)

Gravity lyrics
Songwriters: Bareilles, Sara;

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long



                                                                     So I know that anytime I try to describe things that I am feeling it comes off a bit vague or wishy-washy. Only because I would like not to get too personal. All I really need is to write the main idea of how I feel, or get straight to the point. Besides, no one really wants ALL the boring details. ;)



  (edited by Sarah LaFlamme)