If you can wait 'til I get home

It is so much easier for all the students that are younger than me that go to college and can keep busy when they get home for winter or summer breaks. They have their dorm rooms that they stay in while school is in session, and then when the school breaks come they can go see their friends and family that they haven't seen in awhile. Then there is the population of students, life myself, that don't have a dorm room and are single parents. During school breaks life is practically the same as before with the exception of going to class and doing homework. I tell ya though, I would much rather be doing homework right now than sitting here bored out of my gourd, praying that my car gets fixed soon. I haven't hung out with a friend in......months. My boyfriend is kept busy in Vermont, seeing all his friends and family. While I am going insane here waiting for him to text me back. Since he has gone home we have barely talked and I feel like I am on a serious melt down. For the past three days I haven't done anything fun. I've worked, sat in my room, and wrapped presents. The highlight of my life right now is work, I can't wait to work so I can have actual human contact.

                   I feel like no one understands. When other people don't have cars I've always gone out of my way to help them or hang out with them because I know how it feels. Other people I know that still don't have  cars have friends that offer to take them places and/or pick them up to hang out. I don't have that, my parents give me rides to work...the end. What am I suppose to do with myself. I understand it is no one's problem but my own to keep busy and find things to do, but why does everyone else get it so easy? Why is every day a constant struggle for me? I've worked hard for everything I own since I was fourteen years old, and what do I have to show for it?

                          My son is always keeping me from falling apart and now he is at his father's house until Christmas morning. I just miss being young, I miss being able to hang out with friends and keeping busy. I miss not caring if my boyfriend doesn't text me back within ten minutes. Then maybe I wouldn't feel like he doesn't care about me right now, at least not like he use to. I remember when we first started dating he'd text me all the time, even while with friends, it didn't matter. Now I'm lucky if I can get five texts out of him. I just want to go back to where it all started falling apart and repair it. I'm tired of feeling like this, like I'm all alone in this.

Oh how I love these moments...

I am absolutely just over-joyed when (persons that shall remain un-named) go to their friends and talk shit about me. I'm just always in a bitchy mood and start fights. Really? Because it takes two or more people to fight. If you really feel that much hatred toward me why not just end it?

Seriously, I obviously don't mean that much to you if you are willing to run your mouth about me. Because again, I am just such a bitch... and so controlling.

Maybe, just maybe... if you told them the TRUTH with the complete story.. ya know.. not leaving what YOU said or did out of it... they wouldn't "take your side" so easily.

...but what do I know, I am a jealous bitch that always starts fights on purpose.

I feel like I am the only adult here.

boo.

Hip hop hip hiphopanotomous.

I just want to say thank you to the state of New Hampshire. Thank you, for fucking me. Seriously, do you want me to get the lube and just bend over? Cause I feel like that's what is already happening.

My car is still not inspected. Every time I fix it something else becomes broken. I can never win. I have fixed something new on this car for the past four months. I am going to get pulled over soon because my luck is going to run out.

I really need my school loans to come in faster. I am depending on that money to survive the school year. Please hurry up financial aid. I NEED this live.

The Department of family services shut off my son's health insurance, his daycare, and food stamps. Great, because I totally didn't need that. Of course I don't need food to eat, nor does my son. I half expected to send him to school starving with no lunch. Also, I really appreciate having to pay full for daycare now. God knows I can afford that, paying rent, going to school, and fixing my car. Being a single mother is easy, duh. Plus, now I don't have health insurance and neither does my son. Now I can just hang out at the ER all the time. Then just owe the hospital lots of money. Perhaps they should rethink what they are really doing to people when they cancel things. I didn't realize sitting on your ass and filing paperwork was the equivalent of being a rocket scientist. My apologies, I did not know I was getting in the way of you being a lazy piece of shit.

Classes are  giving me legit home work now, so it's not going to be a smooth ride, but I actually like school so no complaints there.

I have no real problems with work because it's work. We all generally dislike entering work when it's retail, don't keep lying to yourself... we all know you hate it.

Now.... I feel better because I actually wrote out all my mental issues. Now... to publish or not to publish?

Can we just...talk?

I'm really tired of actually trying to be there for you... but you won't let me.

Then I start getting ignored or blown off. It's great that you have other friends that are there for you because you are always there for them when they need you....but why do I feel like I am on the back burner? You've barely talked to me the past two days, and yet the entire time I am been worried as hell about you. Yet you just drop off the face of the earth after texting me back once or twice.

Why is it you can talk to everyone else in the world about how you feel, except me?

Here's the deal...

I am going to keep my blog going, I am just going to be lazy at doing it.

It has been a few months since I last posted. Here is what is going to happen in the next few weeks/months...give or take.

+ School is starting August 29th. I am very excited. I decided to change my major. I am going to focus on education and one day become a Science or Biology teacher. This will take some time, but it will be worth it and the time it takes to get a masters is psychology is much longer. Basically subtracting the time and money I couldn't devote to my education for psychology.

+ Autumn is coming, which is my favorite time of the year. Everyone always says they like the smell and the colors... I enjoy everything that comes with fall. It brings me back to a more simple time in life. Reminds me that when I was a kid I was silly and didn't realize everything that was going on around me, but that's okay. I miss that part in life. I miss caring about if I am going to have a awesome costume and how much candy I would get on Halloween. Running around in sweat pants and sweaters and not caring if they were "in fashion" or not. Autumn - in my head - is everything I love about life.
Soon I will go apple picking with my son and my boyfriend August. Take a trip up north to see the foliage. Enjoy a hayride with them, and pick out the perfect pumpkins we'd like to carve or paint. Shopping for Halloween costumes together, then going to parties and trick or treating.

+After all that, November will be just around the corner. Thanksgiving with the family...classes... then a Christmas tree. My goodness! The next few months will be spectacular!

That is my update. Feel free to ask questions. I like to give answers, if I contain them.

Keep it together.

Work is starting to deteriorate me. Everyday I wake up and I am like..oh gee golly another day of work..wooo!
I know I must sound like a lazy fuck when I say this but, I would rather go to school than work. I honestly can not wait until school starts up again. I feel exhausted having to work nine hour shifts each day. Now understand, at Dunkin' Donuts I use to work like ten to fifteen hour shifts.. so I know a nine hour shift is easy.

            I feel like maybe I am just trying to get the childhood I lost by starting work at fourteen years old, and then dropping out of school at sixteen. I finally get to do what I was suppose to do. I want that relaxation of school. Like I said, I know I sound lazy but I can't help how I feel. I felt free because I was doing what I wanted to do, learning what I wanted to learn. I am free to go to the bathroom without raising my hand like a child. At work I can not leave my position until someone comes to cover me. Some times I have to stand in the same spot for more than three hours straight. I make good money at Lowe's which is the main reason I am not quitting.... I just hope I last the summer without getting depressed about it. It's sad to get depressed at work. I don't want to live the rest of my life working at places that make me doubt my abilities or my self worth.

        Another thing, I was thinking about changing my major. I am not sure I am cut out for psychology. I was thinking maybe leaning for towards the medical field. My other career choice would be a X-Ray Tech.
I am going to do one more semester of psychology though, if I do well then I will stay in that field. If I do horrible again than I am going to do X-Ray Tech.

        I feel like I will forever be in debt. Every time I get close to getting out of debt, I lose my job and get fucked over again. Everyone around me gets to go out and do something fun like going to the movies, mini golfing, amusement park, beach, etc... I can't do those things because I simply can not afford them. Even if I did receive child support for my son I wouldn't be able to do anything like that. People keep telling me that I can do those things...but I literally can not. I do not have the money, my bills wait long enough for me to pay them... I can't put them off just because I want to go have fun. I just hate money now. When I get it I don't want to lose it. Even though my paycheck is basically gone before I can even cash it. I know everyone is having financial trouble these days. So I can't be all poor me poor me.... but sometimes I just have enough.

I feel like a failure...

I got a 47 on my psych final..

I got all B’s in my classes except in psych I got a D+. Which in turn dropped my GPA down to a 2.57.

I know next semester I am going to have to bust ass, but right now I feel like the biggest mess up ever. I thought I was so much smarter than this and I could prove people wrong…. guess I was the one that was wrong

Butterflies

I'm in love with the most amazing, beautiful, and talented person I've ever met in my entire life. I feel so privileged to have Branch in my life.
Branch is so good with my son. Mikey just loves it when Branch is around and when Branch isn't around he says "Where's Branch?"
No matter how much time I spend with Branch I feel like it is never enough, and I can't believe we aren't annoyed by each other yet. Branch is like my best friend, we are so weird. Some of the funnest times I've had involve Branch. Thanks Asa Rae Branch, for being in my life. I hope I make you just as happier as you've made me!

First song, say whhhhhat?

Disappointment


This is the song I had sung for my Psych class. I had it in my head to be original in my presentation, and to score points with the teacher. I also got to spend time practicing, seeing as I haven't had much time for the poor guitar as of late with school taking up most of my schedule.
                 This is the first song I have ever made. It was for a project so I didn't work on it as hard as I would a song I were singing for pure enjoyment, or from my heart. My disclaimer is that the recording is loud, I messed up like twice during the recording and since I am lazy I didn't bother to fix it, and it's pretty depressing. The song itself is based off of my poster that I made for a visual effect. The poster was made to describe my dreams. Apparently my dreams are of a depressing nature. Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and listening to my song. I apologize for my vocals, they are quite awful in this recording.

I kinda miss you, sir.

After a sweet letter in my FB inbox from Sare (that was basically an essay). I have finally began to grip onto the school thing. I find myself actually understanding things in class. I feel more confident in my writing and work. Now that I understand and comprehend what is going on around me, I enjoy school. I was actually very upset the psych class was cancelled today. Not to mention that I am a broke bitch, so having to drive all the way back home was a bummer... I just really wanted to go over chapter 3 in class. I realized that the whole psych thing that has to do with plotting and graphing has of no interest to me. As soon as we starting learning how the brain works I was like, "OH SNAP! This is fucking awesome!" I definitely want to take a biology class and a chemistry class next semester! Ode' to the excitement.
                  I seem to be "falling" for many things. I'll allow it.
I have this dream project I have to do, to interpret what my dreams mean to me. I can do a poster, or write a song, a poem, or a reenactment. I think I am going to do a poster and a song. Though if the song is too much for me I will probably go with a poem, just because I have never written a song before so I am not sure how I would go about it. Plus I would have to actually preform it in front of the class. EEK! Also we have to do an essay along with it. All the while we have a research paper due the first week of May. Not to mention all the other essay papers that will be due during this time period. This could be rough, I am so ready for the challenge. Bring it.
                        Also, I kinda miss my buddy. You need to hang out with me soon...just saying. I know you don't "miss" people, but deal with the fact that I can actually admit to missing playing guitar with you, or just driving around, and just talking.

Sleeping with the enemy

What I have discovered from my first week in college:
1. Sitting still for 3 hours straight sucks just as much as it did before.
2. Turning off your instant messenger while doing homework is the best policy.
3. Home work assignments can be vicious.
4. You read so much that even thinking about picking up a book you actually enjoy reading sounds like a chore.
5. You spend so much time thinking about home work assignments that you actually forget about eating all day.

In a nutshell; this sucks, but this is what I asked for. I want to get the most out of my learning experience. So if I have to read my psychology chapters twice to actually understand the, so be it. If I get basically no social time because home work takes up 75% of my time and actually sitting in class takes up 10% and my son takes up the other 15%, then I will just have to make do.

In other news, I got offered a job at Lowe's and Walmart. Tomorrow I am suppose to go to both stores and take drug tests and criminal back round checks. Now I don't know which job to choose. Lowe's is seasonal, so I am only guaranteed a job until July 28th. Unless they still need people and I am a good work. Walmart will only be giving me 24 hours a week, and will only need my Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Lowe's if offering 9 to 10 dollars and hour. I don't know what Walmart is offering yet. I think it might only be $8 per hour though. So what do I do? Go to Lowe's where I will make more, and be offered more hours but know that I am not guaranteed to work past July 28th? Or go to Walmart where I will make less, but know I will still have a job past the summer time? I am also afraid that if I choose one then decide later I don't like it, will the other job still want to hire me? I don't want to end up loosing the chance to work at a place later, just because I decided to go in the other direction. I am also worried that because school is demanding so much of my time, that I won't be able to function. I don't want to burn out. MCC has a contract with SNHU that if you are a student at MCC and want to transfer to SNHU, you must have a 3.0 grade average. If you have a 3.0 or  higher grade average you can get a scholarship of 4 to 5 thousand dollars. I don't want to risk my grade point average because of exhaustion. So much to think about, but I feel like I am running on empty sometimes. I wake up extra early everyday to get studying in, even when I stay up until almost midnight studying. Have I mentioned that I have three quizzes on Monday? AH! I better do amazing on them, because I refuse to do anything but excellence.


In some more other news, I have a girlfriend. I wasn't going to talk about her too much yet because I wanted to make sure she actually stuck around. Knowing my relationships in the best 8 months I tend to get tired of people fast. ( I sound snobby.) I really like her though, I think I'll keep her around =) She always makes me smile, very considerate, and is the most resilient person I have ever met. She's in her second year at SNHU in the culinary program. Which then entails that she can make me nom noms. She also plays football for the team Manchester Freedom. I really enjoy going to her practices and games/scrimmages. Another thing that makes me feel great inside is that she actually thinks about me and is considerate of me. I, in the past, haven't had a partner that actually thought about me during the day. Or wanted to text me just to tell me they miss me, or are thinking about me. I feel unstoppable when I am with her, like I can achieve anything. Fate has great plans for me, I am sure of it.

Water works

I cried in front of my girlfriend last night. I felt so uncomfortable about it, because there's nothing I hate more than looking weak. I was completely surprised by the reaction she had though. She wanted to be there for me... Someone wants to listen?


It felt good to know....that she really does care.

There's only been two people I've met that have had the power to completely break my heart. One I think I might have recently hurt, and my ex. This one could possibly be the death of me...in a good way. I like that I can be completely retarded and she likes me just as much ad before, if not more. Totally diggin' it.

Color me tender

I feel like you never even cared...
You just let me go. Why wouldn't you fight for me?




School starts on Monday. I am not as excited about it as I once was. I no longer have a job from my own stupidity, therefore I have no money for books. I will not receive my refund until 30 days have the semester starts. I pretty much fucked myself. I am pretty good at fucking up my own life. Just when I thought I was making things better for me and my son I somehow back tracked. All the money I have left in my account which is a woping $175 has to go to things that automatically come out of my account so I don't go negative. So my car insurance will be paid for. Though what good is car insurance if you can't drive your car. I can't get it inspected because I don't have the money for it. WTF!?  I am not one for self loathing, really... I just can't believe I couldn't find a job yet. I have my second interview for Lowe's on Wednesday. I am no sure if I'll get the job, I just hope I get it.   My total cost for my books, and this is by looking online for the cheapest ones comes to $281.00. AHH! 

Zip your lip like a padlock

I am so lost in my own head. One minute I know what I want, then the next I haven't the slightest. I have a problem with being indecisive. I can never make my mind up, though generally I never really care. I don't care where we go out to eat, where we go to hang out, or what we end up doing. I just don't care, it's not something I think about. I just like spending time with my friends. Whether we are crowded in by a million people or just doing the one on one thing.

I seem to always make things more complicated than they really are. This post is not going to make much sense, I can't sort my thoughts out. So I am just typing whatever comes to mind.

I think that it is crazy how you can be practically infatuated with someone, then out of nowhere not even care about them anymore. I think that almost everyone does this. Sometimes you meet that person that you are so intrigued with, that you can imagine spending all your time with them (well, within limits of course). Then when they are distant, you seem to think about them less. I feel like my heart never grows fonder, usually it wonders. I think I am easy to get, but hard to keep. In the end that is what is really important, keeping that someone in your life. Once you are absent in my life for too long, I find ways to distract myself...sometimes those distractions become more than just distractions.... Now I am thinking, am I even ready for that yet? I don't even know what I want....

LAWLERSKATES

Misery Buisiness
Realize
Sunny came home


Yep, I've been bored.

Said perfectly.

Basically amazing.

Cut the tension with a knife

I am going through a huge transition in my life right now. I am finally being the person I wanted to be, or the person I have always been but has been buried deep inside me. I can finally be me, no gimmicks. I wear what I want to wear, regardless of neck line.... ( those of you who know how my neckline on my shirts doesn't exist. )

I feel like I am not worried about telling people about myself. I am not even scared about what people will think of me...

For the first time in over 3 years I saw my ex and wasn't attracted to him. I felt nothing for him, which is huge for me. If anything I find him very unattractive now. I am so please with myself for moving on from the hell I was once living in. I can stand up now and say I am who I am, and no one can change that. So if you have a problem with it walk the other way basically. 

I remember when I was younger, and as a kid you usually just go with the flow... Boys like girls, girls like boys....  I didn't think about relationships until I was in 6th grade. All my friends were talking about boys so I assumed the position so to say. I remember always being scared that  if I told my friends I was attracted to girls they wouldn't talk to me. So life went on, only saying I liked guys. I remember that my first crush was a girl in 6th grade. My second crush was on a guy in 8th grade.. Truth is I can't decide. I don't think I should have to. I have finally come to terms that I don't know who I will marry, because I don't know which sex I prefer. Really just depends on the person I fall in love with. I just can't believe I was scared for so long to tell friends and family. I should have just said it when I was younger, and been true to myself. Better late then never. I enjoy the fact that at work I can joke around with everyone and they aren't uncomfortable around me. I am glad that my friends have stayed my friends, regardless of what gender I prefer romantically. Some of you might have always known... or thought that I was a little different. Before when I started new friendships I would tell them that I "used to be" bisexual... honestly it was to see what their reaction would be. Usually it was a good reaction. I know that sounds kind of like a mind fuck, but I like to see what people really think of things. So if they had a good reaction I was okay to tell them that I still am. Well, now it looks like the world of internet users that actually read this will know now.. HAH!  I feel like I could have worded this paragraph better...

So my finger tips on my left hand are completely numb now. I figure that is because the guitar strings are cutting my nerves up. Though it is cool, now the strings don't hurt as much! Now my strumming needs work, I feel like I am doing it wrong. Which doesn't make sense because strumming is strumming, right? Apparently I am a fail.

Hammer time

http://www.fileden.com/files/2011/2/26/3087796//skiptomylou.wma3

http://www.fileden.com/files/2011/2/26/3087796//goodbyetoyoubranch.wma

http://www.fileden.com/files/2011/2/26/3087796//nakedavril.wma3


This is funny because half way through the song goodbye to you, I realized I was singing too fast for the tempo. So mid way you hear me slow down quite a bit, it's not hard to miss. Oh, and my ring finger and middle finger are both very numb from the guitar... lame sauce.

Music Composition

I bought a new guitar, it's nothing fancy. I know this because I only spent $55.00 on it. Something to have to practice on so I can at least learn. A friend was slowly teaching me, but I don't see him often enough to keep up with remembering everything.. I need to be able to do it at home as well. Plus I am more into self teaching than someone else teaching me. When the time comes, I will get a decent guitar..that I don't have to re-tune every 10 minutes... I have noticed though that it is quite hard to play with long nails. Of course I choose now to stop biting my nails. Didn't realize how fast these little buggers grow!



Recently I find myself dreading going to work. I feel like I always want to get out sooner and sooner. Working past 12 PM is a killer. I use to always work until 2 PM or 3 PM so I don't know why I hate working past noon now. I feel like I something wrong everyday. I was once the pride and joy, I always got praised because let's face it.. when you work at Dunkin' Donuts for 7 years you know your shit. Now, I can never do anything right... I am constantly forgetting things for the past month. It's not like I have a ton on my mind. Or issues at home. I am not running around all over the place. I don't have any love interests keeping me from things. I basically work, come home, go to bed..... So I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I need to get a new job. Nothing is available though, from what I can tell. If I am going to leave DD I want it to be out of the food industry. I am sick of coming home and smelling like shit, or feeling greasy. It's the worst. I wonder what is going on in my head...maybe I am just learning too much too fast? Or I am just so excited for school to start so I can go part time? Who knows....


                                    

The acoustic version is amazing. I basically am infatuated with this song. Plus I have a thing for Jason Mraz's vocals.



Right now I am sitting on my bed typing this, wishing I had somewhere to go. I really just want to go out, but there's nothing to do. I could go and deposit my check but that is just a waste of gas when I can just do it tomorrow after work. Unless I have lots of things to do, that I can get done in a straight line I don't like to waste the gas... My problem is I am absolutely in love with driving. So I have to keep myself from wasting gas and driving around aimlessly. Mikey is at his father's house, so no one is here to entertain me. Lame.


I really enjoy listening and watching people playing acoustic guitar and singing. I have no thoughts while they play, which is a rare. I just feel like all is calm in the world while I sit there and enjoy the show. I wish I knew more people who played  so I could have them just hang out and play for me. I should just pay for my own personal guitar player to play for me. Then when I have stressful days I can calm down and relax, with no care in the world. I can pay 5 whole dollars a day. Any takers? :)

Haiku

For Renee,



Jokes are meant for smiling,
I like to laugh a lot,
someone made me cry today.

Twinkle twinkle

When I was a kid I imagined the earth was really someone's head. That the trees and grass were hair, bodies of water were the mouth and eyes, and the desert was bald spots. Like we were all just living on some old guys head. It isn't a stretch to say I was a weird kid. I never had an imaginary friend, but I did pretend I was Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz, and Toto was chasing me around the yard trying to bite my ankles. I remember thinking I could control the wind when I had very strong emotions. On windy days I'd tell the wind to just blow as hard as it could until I felt better. I remember wishing I was a witch, so I could control mother nature. Ah, yes...the good old days....


                             I remember laying on the grass in my yard and looking up at the stars at night. Seeing how bright they were, I really did think they were the stars you draw on paper. I had no idea they were planets and suns... It's amazing how our imagination works when we are not tainted by society. Though I do enjoy learning, I do miss the days that I thought UFO's would come after me if my brother and sister used the flash light to send the "S.O.S." signal in the sky. How easily we can believe someone when we were kids. We had dreams of becoming astronauts, paleontologists, doctors, the president, or super heroes. Our parents or teachers would tell us we could be, if we worked really hard and stuck to our goals. Have any of us actually become what we wanted to be when we were 6? I didn't, when I realized all the boring details of becoming a paleontologist... the idea is interesting. The actual process is boring, and I would hate to be in uncomfortable weather all the time... depending on where you are looking. Now that I looked in to the things I think I will enjoy, I find myself being unable to choose my final destination. Going off track...

I think the point of me writing about being a kid is because I miss having such an active imagination. I use to make things. Writing and drawing we're my favorite things to do when I was younger. I was all for pulling out my coloring books, or when I got older, writing poetry. I don't even know where all my writing went. I even wrote a book once. Never left the computer of course, but that computer is non-existent now. I miss when I enjoyed writing and being artistic. I think my favorite classes in school were english, science, art, and wood shop. What happened? Did I get too caught up in current event? Fashion? The "in-crowd?" I hope school opens me up again, like when I was younger. So my mind can run wild with thoughts and ideas again.
  

You don't have to come and confess

I do believe this deserves a update, seeing as a lot has happened in the past few days... and to be honest sometimes I am just too lazy to update. Let's go back now... I have bought a new car. 2003 Dodge Neon SE. Nothing fancy, it's a Neon.. so we all know it's basically crap. She's my hoopty though, so I love it just the same. I have some work to do on it, but at least I know the things I fix will be new so I won't have to fix them later when I don't have the money. That's usually how it goes.


I have my new lap top, which is basically amazing. Such an upgrade compared to my other lap top. Now I can school it with more ease. It's an HP Probook. I fancy it. Really not much to say on the computer subject, seeing as it's a computer.. what else can I really say? I'm sure it's nothing you really want to read. Boring if anything.

I feel like I've been working non stop lately. Everyday I stay past my shift, not that it's a horrible thing. I just feel worn out. I slept until 9:45 today! If you know what time I usually get up, then you know that that's the equivalent of sleeping until 2 PM. Also was an hour late for work. Wicked cool, I get so down on myself. I hate being "the douche" that's late for work. I seem to fuck everything up at some point in time. It's not like I have horrible self esteem issues or anything. I just believe that I can always do better. I refuse to give my second best when my best is what is expected.


So someone said to me that being bisexual is the same as being straight. I felt angry about this statement. I kept my mouth, it wasn't a good time to get into a big debate about sexual preference. Especially with me drinking at the time. I am not an angry drunk, though I've never been mad while drinking, I figure I handled myself well by just not getting into the subject any further. Thinking back now I am annoyed. It's not like it really matters, but for some reason it does to me. Yet, I still can't come up with a reason why the statement bothers me. Doesn't really make any sense. Maybe the person was right?

               So I started writing this blog so that my writing skills can get better. I look back at my first posts, and I feel like it hasn't. Discouraging to say the least. I was hoping I would get increasingly better, but it looks like I just put words together better than before. Other than that I am still obsessed with commas. :) 

Determination

I got my new lap top today and buying a 2003 Dodge Neon tomorrow. Life seems pretty good so far. Even though my entire tax refund is basically depleted. I am okay with that though. I paid my bills, got a car, got a lap top for school, bought some books, and also a beginners guitar. I feel I have in no way "threw away" my money. I am glad I am getting so much better with my money. I no longer just buy things at random. I actually shop around for the best price, imagine that.


I posted this video from youtube.com because of the song lyrics. The video is okay, but I don't care for videos as much as I do for the songs. I feel this song can speak to a lot of us. I also feel like it goes a lot with the changes I have been making in my life over the last 8 months. I am glad I can look back and know that I have changed for the better. This is such a great song about wanting more than what you've grown up on. To me it symbolizes a life in a somewhat small, safe place, like the suburbs. Sidewalks literally represent safety from cars and metaphorically safety from doing anything too dangerous or out of your normal behavior. He just wants to get away from the boredom of where he is and do something great with his life. Everyone interprets lyrics differently, that's what I interpreted.


                  I just know that I want so much more out of life than working in food service, and just barely surviving on minimum wage. Not that I have some desire to be filthy rich, I just want to live comfortably. I don't want debt, and if my car breaks down I want to be able to afford to fix it or get a new one. I don't need a big fancy television or house. I am okay with a modest house in a 
modest town. I don't want to live in the city, just close enough to civilization, just not too close.




I just want to take this time to thank my friend Sarah. Thank you for all the help you've given me. It means so much to me, and you've really pushed me hard. Even to the point where I get angry and almost fight with you. I know you mean well. You will probably always be my best friend, and are the most amazing friend anyone could ever ask for.


I'd also like to thank my other friend, though I don't know if he'd like me to say his name on here, so we'll just call him "Toby." Thank you "Toby" for all the help, you are a new friend and I have only known you for a short time, but during that short time you have help me greatly and pushed me as well to do better for myself. You are a dime a dozen, and I hope we continue in our friendship for many years to come.


 It's hard to find friends like you two, especially for the fact that I have two of you.. I am so blessed to have you both in my life. Thank you for being there when I need you the most, and caring so much about me. Words can not explain or add up to the gratitude you both deserve from me. :)

Now that I just got all wishy-washy emotional on you, I'll just walk away because I have nothing else better to write about. Good times, good times.

Reminiscence?

Now that I am starting school soon...

I have been so excited to learn as much as I possibly can, and decide for myself what my future will entail. With all this thinking of the future, I started thinking about my past. I decided to write about it. 

When I was younger, probably between the ages of 17 and 20, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. If anything during the time I thought maybe I was just going to spend the rest of my life at Dunkin' Donuts. I had no problem with that, seeing as I was making a lot of money as a store manager; with hopes of one day becoming a district or regional manager. School wasn't something I was thinking about. Then after about a year of dating my ex I realized I wanted more for myself.  I didn't want to be just another person stuck in a fast food career for the rest of my life. I always felt like everyone knew more than me. I'm more street smart than book smart. I would rather have a little of both than just knowledge of one.

I remember when I was 18, I decided to check out Hesser College because I thought that was what you were suppose to do. Turn 18, go to college. I also had thought that it was expected of me. Seeing as I always thought of myself as the black sheep of the family. My brother and sister had both dropped out and had no plans on going to college, so I thought I had to prove them wrong. At the time I had no idea what I was doing, nor did I know how much money was involved with school. I only knew that Hesser accepted GED's. Since I had dropped out, that was the only option; so I thought. I went to see and adviser with my parents and we talked about what I wanted to go to school for. At the time I wanted to be a psychologist, so it seemed best fit to study psychology. I think they gave me a rough estimate of about two-thousand dollars. My mouth just about hit the floor. If anyone has seen my dumb-founded, than you can imagine how blank and baffled my mind was at that point in time. I wanted to crawl into my sweat shirt and just cry. I can just imagine if I had, bright red hair sticking out of the top of my sweat shirt with soft sobs coming out from underneath, all the while my parents and the adviser just staring... thinking to themselves "OH GREAT!" 

My parents wouldn't co-sign for the loan, and I had no idea about financial aid. I assumed that maybe school just wasn't for me...and went on with my life as a loyal Dunkin's employee. Just think, if only I had pushed myself as I do now I would have looked into school more and figured out everything that I needed to know... perhaps even be graduated by now and starting or living my career. I have a feeling things would have been a lot different if I had the mind I have now, then. Not that I regret my son, or the mistakes I've made. I wouldn't be the person I am today without my mistakes. I feel I know so much now, well as much as a person can know about learning from accidents and mishaps.

I am happy that I am growing. My mind has changed a lot from when I was younger. I use to hate public places. I would have these panic attacks, and just have to leave. I was never a people person. I was very quiet and shy, never spoke up. I enjoyed hiding in the back. (Please for the love of god don't see me!) Now I am a pretty loud person, when I am comfortable in my surroundings.  Though there aren't many surroundings that make my uncomfortable. I don't have problems meeting new people, in fact I enjoy it! I am not afraid to be myself, or speak up when something is bothering me. The old me would have been envious of the new me. I like to think so at least. Well, that just a burp into my past. Hope it was worth the read.

Anything you can do... I can do better

So today was a bit discouraging. I found out the the original car I was going to buy was rusted all underneath. Wasn't about to buy that. I went to a few dealerships. I came so close to buying a $13,000 car with $320 a month payments... I knew I couldn't afford. I walked away. I am not completely angry about cars right now, I am just annoyed. I want a decent car now. I have the money, now I just need the car to come to me. I refuse to settle for anything. I need something reliable, that is a standard.  Didn't realize it would be this difficult. Oh well...

I'll probably post later on today...at the moment I just wanted to say something about the car situation.

...and then she said

So these are the books I now have in my ownership. I'm not quite sure what I like yet, so I got a bunch.

The Clique
Bones
Strangers In Death
Thursday Next
The Way Of The World
Butch Is A Noun
Girl, Interrupted
The Secret Year
The Boy In The Striped Pajamas
The Unquiet Mind
Get Me Out Of Here
A Little Book On Love

( If you'd read any of these I would love to hear what you thought of them. )

That should keep me busy for awhile. :)



Tomorrow I officially register for my classes.
I also will be able to register a vehicle....annnddddd will be most likely buying a vehicle.

Oh, tomorrow is Valentine's Day isn't it? Weird. I have no plans with anyone, but I'm okay with that. The last three years of  V-Day have been pretty shitty for me, and that's when I was in a relationship. I am glad I am actually single this year. I know it's cute and all, but I'm glad I don't have to conform and buy someone some undeserved "love" card and box of chocolates. Don't take my tone the wrong way. I am not walking around hating on love and people who are happy together. I am happy for them. I just think that if you care about someone deeply you should want to do nice things for them through out the year, not just one day. I never did the traditional "V-Day." I bought a card, yes. I don't fancy chocolates much...so I basically treat it like a Birthday or Christmas and buy them a bunch of things they want. Video games, tools, car stuff, cologne, etc. I get uncomfortable in romantic situations, so I usually just passed on the candle lit dinners. Perhaps I went about it all wrong?

              I haven't even started school yet it is always on my mind. I can imagine how bad it'll be when school actually starts. I'm excited to see what my first essay will be.



So I said something to a friend the other day, something to do with people writing essays about how they grew up gay or something to that effect. I remember using the word "cliche'." I am embarrassed that I actually said that. I didn't even put a lot of thought into the words I was saying. I can't believe the person who was saying such things was me.... I have always been a very open minded person. I don't know what came over me. I guess I have just been angry at the world lately. It is not like me to bash people. That day though, I felt very angry... and said things that I didn't actually believe. I don't think there is a way I can tell my friend that what I said I didn't mean, without looking like I am trying to "save myself." I saw the look in his eyes when I was talking, it almost looked like he was disappointed. At the time I didn't care. Now I think I need to learn how to control my impudent tongue. I am usually pretty good at hiding my moods. The only emotions I like for people to see on me is happy, or excited. Anger and sadness are not something people pick up on me, I hide it well I like to think. I just think that even though your sad or mad, you don't have to mope around. I like being optimistic. Usually puts me in a better mood in the end result. I do my emotional thinking on my own time... if that makes any sense? Well, just thought I'd share that.....

Fire in my eyes

I feel so distraught.  There's something in the pit of my stomach. Makes my heart skip a beat. It's almost like my stomach hurts, but it's kind of in my lungs too... You know when people say their heart hurts, when it comes to emotions? It's kind of like that. I can't stand feeling like this. On the verge on tears, but I refuse to cry. Why do I feel like this... I hate it. Why do I always have to be the one that is clear and steps up to the plate? Why can't other people just come to me first? I always bring things up and have to dig for answers. I am pretty straight forward, unless I don't want you to know. I avoid subjects for a reason, but this subject is obnoxious. I don't know what is up or down. People are so confusing. I just want a straight answer. Tell me... Don't tip toe around it. Don't assume I know what your saying. Just tell me...

Save me a seat....

Today....
Went to look at a couple cars with my friend. He was kind enough to cart my ass everywhere, and I thank him for that. We drove all the way to Salem, there is a Chevy Cavalier for $1,500. Only 86,000 miles on it. I'm pretty impressed with this car. Tomorrow the seller is bringing it up to Manchester so that a garage of my choosing can check it out and make sure it doesn't have anything wrong with it. (Though the garage is not of my choosing, my friend chose it but I have full confidence in him.) I have to work 3:30 AM to 12 PM tomorrow. I then have to go to the garage for 1 PM with my friend for the car. Then if I decide to buy it, assuming the car has no major issues, drive the seller back to his house since he won't have transportation back to his place. Then I need to get back to work for 3 PM for a mandatory store meeting. Gee whiz. Lastly, I must find a ride home from said meeting if I don't buy the car or can't get 20 day plates for it. ( I have an issue with the DMV at the moment concerning car ownership, involves the SR-22 agreement.) Busy day tomorrow.

School....
School starts March 21rst. I have signed up for 5 classes. With the intentions of not getting into all of them. If I do get into all of them I will drop 2. I suppose I can be a little over ambitious sometimes. I feel mentally prepared for school. Now for the fiances and class schedules... that's another story.  I will get into that when the time draws nearer to start up. I want to make sure everything is set up before I actually do the worrying.

Home life...
A friend let me borrow the book The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath. I am in love with it thus far. I actually stopped reading my other book Bones, to finish reading this one.
Mikey got sick with a 24 hour bug. I felt so bad, all he wanted to do was cuddle. Poor guy, makes me feel so bad. This morning when he woke up I asked him how he was feeling and he said, "Better Mommy." While pointing to his mouth. ( He was vomiting yesterday, so he was letting me know he didn't feel like vomiting anymore.) Everyday he gets so much smarter and taller. He's not the baby I use to hold in my arms and sing to every night anymore. He'll always be my little baby, but soon he'll be a young man..... Time flies. He is the reason I get up everyday and work. The reason I want to go to school. The reason I want so much out of this life, because I want him to do the same. He has such a great personality. ( Like his mom. =] )
Off to read/bed.

Give me more

It has been brought to my attention that people want me to post more. Lol, didn't think anyone would really be reading this. Besides Sarah. :)

I am going to start school in March. Though I am not a fan of the first classes I have to take because not much is open. Though I'm sure when I start to register for my classes I can weed through them and make a schedule that works better for me. This is a very exciting moment in my life. I feel like dancing and singing, all the time. I just hope I can afford an apartment while going to school and working. I will probably have to work full time, wich I know will put a lot on me. I have to do something, I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. I have to make things happen.

It feels as though my income tax money will never come in. I have so much to do and get done, and I can't do any of it until that money comes in. I need to get an apartment of my own. I need a car. I need to square away my debts. One thing I am concerned about is my financial aid covering all of my tuition and books that I need. Otherwise, I won't be attending school until fall. Maybe I should wait until summer or fall. Give myself some time to save up? Maybe I am rushing and setting myself up for disaster. I would really love some feed back.

                           I've been reading a lot lately. I was never really into the written word. Never found a great fascination with it. Then there are always those section that you fill out, asking what your favorite books are. I have written the only books I remember reading. Which aren't a lot, and that made me sad. I want to be into reading... just not many books scream to me. The only ones I remember reading are the ones that stood out enough for me to care about. I bought a bunch of books to see what kind of books I could read with out getting bored. So far this book called, "Bones" seems to be peaking my interest. Sometimes I find myself laying in bed, knowing that I should go to bed but I just keep reading. Thinking to myself, -okay, just one more page and I'll put it away-. Usually ends up in six more pages before I actually turn out the light. Maybe it's not that I wasn't "into" reading, but it was more of what I wanted to read was hard to find and that made it hard for me to enjoy reading. I remember a book ( I can't remember the name and wish I could because I want to read it again) that was about a young girl growing up in the desert, in a religion where she was to be wed as soon as she got her period. I remember the author making her sound like such a spunky girl, who wasn't ready and didn't want anything to do with marriage or being a house wife. She wanted to help her dad and be free. She was wed to a man about her father's age, who had 11 wives already. I think I remember it being a series actually. I really wish I could remember the name.


I can't wait... to just be living. Learning. Making myself.

One deep breath

I've been feeling very overwhelmed and confused lately.
My son's father did end up taking him for the weekend, but that was after I told him I was bringing him over anyway. I felt a bit empowered by the fact that I could finally stand up to him. He's always had power over me, I have always felt that I HAVE to be nice to him no matter what. He is the father of my child so I am suppose to treat him with respect, be nice to him, and feel bad when he is down and out because that's what I do. I help everyone, even if they have treated me like complete dirt. I don't know why this is... acceptance? Sometimes I just want to be the biggest bitch, but I can't. I feel like I am not allowed to be mean. Sometimes it feels like a curse that I actually look at things from all sides. I always look at things from other points of view before I respond or make my decision. Worried about how what I say will effect the other person/people. I want to be free of my mind. I want to be able to be mean and not worry about regretting what I have said. I don't know why I bother saying that because it's just what makes me, ME. If I had more brutal honesty, instead of sugar coating it I might not be the same person. I kind of like who I am. I think one day, when I have picked up all my broken pieces that I will be able to offer a lot to the people in my life. ( I hope that doesn't come off too cocky, not my intentions.) I just think that everyone has a lot to offer the people they keep around them. At least when they aren't a mess like myself.


I finished my application for MCC, I've even paid for the accuplacer test already. On Monday or Thursday I plan to take the test. Something inside me wants me to score very well. I feel like some where inside me there's lots of hidden potential just screaming to get out. I just need a place for that to come out of me. Plus, I've yet to meet someone that doesn't like to hear a compliment on their intellect. Whether it is an essay, or math score... inside we want to do amazing. Maybe even day dream about getting your tests scores back and seeing that you have scored the highest! HAH! (Yea, I do that.) I know it won't happen because I have so much to learn and work on. It's a nice thought though and keeps me optimistic.

I'm so worried about failing. I'm afraid that as soon as I start school I won't be able to afford anything. I understand that there are lots of single mothers out there that do work full time, and have their children full time, and perhaps even living on their own. I just don't want to over work myself. I'm not even worried about a social life, I think I'm more afraid of not having enough time with my son. I don't want him growing up and one day in school saying something that kids might say about their parents. Something silly they don't understand. "Moms on the computer all the time, so she doesn't play with me much." I don't want that to happen. I guess I can put that under my -biggest fear- section. Along with dieing without accomplishing anything in life, or leaving my mark. I don't think I have a fear of much else, well things that are relative anyway.  Most of the general public is afraid of dieing alone. That is near the bottom of the list, I know people find someone in due time. I'm going off subject now....


 I don't cry much, at least for a girl. (Yes, that is sexist) I probably cry about once a month or once every two, given the circumstances. I have to be completely stressed to the max. I hold things inside, basically putting them on the back burner until I feel they are worth crying over. You may feel that it is unhealthy for someone to hold things inside for so long. I just don't see the point in crying over everything that upsets me all the time. I'd be crying at least once a week if that were the case. Jeez, bills alone are enough to stress over and those come every Friday. Taking about half my paycheck. I feel if I were to let these things get the best of me every chance they could, then I would never push myself. I want to push myself to my limits, I strive to be a very strong person. The only way I can accomplish this is to keep jumping over the hurtles. Plus,  {A little rain never hurt anybody.} Unless it's acid rain, or your that chick from Ripley's Believe it or not that got into an accident on the school bus that just happened to be where a chemical truck tipped over too. Yea, her own tears burn her face. Crazy. Must take an emotional strong girl to never cry, or accept that your face will feel like fire.

Yep, another mind boggler...

Implode.

Seriously? My ex can't see his son again. "Bad weekend." I am so sick of this bullshit. I've had enough. I'm sick of waiting for other people, like I am right now. I am sick of people saying they can't do things. I am sick of being led on. I feel like just collapsing inward. Is this what it feels like to be on the border of giving up on the human race? Maybe it is better to stay away. Fuck this. I am so over you. You, the one that is late or likes to flake out. The one that lies constantly. The one that doesn't appreciate anything I do for them. The one that doesn't care about me trying to get an education. The one that likes to dish it but can't take it. The one that thinks they are so much fucking better than everyone else, because they are a bit more intellectual than the norm. The one that likes to say they are looking for a relationship, but then is like oh, never mind I'm not ready for a relationship yet. The one that sleep with any girl that walks in the room with their legs wide open. The one that doesn't even try to take a deeper look. I give up. Go fuck yourselves.

Means to an end...

Boy meets girl...
Boy and girl find each other attractive...
Both really enjoy spending time together...
Decide to take their time to get to know each other...
It's a good thing they did...
Boy decides he isn't that interested in girl..
Girl hides her true feelings and says she feels the same...
Life goes on.

OR

Girl gets turned off by many personality issues in boy...
Girl is a bit shallow...
Girl doesn't like to play games...
Girl can't make up her mind...
Girl gives up.
Life continues still.




I just can't seem to hold on to anyone nor can anyone hold onto me. If they seem too interested in me, it's like I find an excuse to not like them. If I like someone more than usual, they seem to not be as interested in me.
Lesson: Stop liking everyone. lol Just kidding, that isn't realistic.
I think I still have some growing up to do. I have come to the conclusion that if you seem too eager in the beginning it'll usually end badly. Not all cases, but most. Though if you don't seem eager at all, you might lose your chance. A nice middle ground should suffice. Not like I am one to be giving out relationship advice. I have been through my share, long and short. I think now I might know what I'm looking for, I am just not what those particular people are looking for. I guess in the end, my friends were right. I need to get myself together before I can even bother looking for a relationship.  Or I am going to keep letting people down, or keep getting let down myself.  I wish I could apologize to all the guys/girls I've hurt on my mission to find myself. I feel as though I deserve it when I am hurt. What goes around comes around, and I strongly believe that. I also believe that there is a goblin of some sorts stealing all my socks so I can't find pairs, but that's beside the point.


I am so ecstatic about the 11th! New car and new apartment here I come! I honestly don't know what else to say. I started this post thinking I was going to talk about other things than relationship crap, but towards the end I realized I had nothing interesting to say. So that's about it...

You could get with this or you could get with that

I went to my tour and interview and SNHU. I fell completely in love with the school during the tour. It has so much to offer. Though I do find that there 5 or 6 food stores/cafeterias a bit too much, but a not deal breaker. When I was finished the tour, I was so ready to just fill out the application. I was even more excited about the interview than ever. When I sat down and started talking, I felt it was going very smooth and I was actually going to be able to go to this school. Unfortunately, the adviser said that he recommended going to a community college first to build up my credits. Also would improve my chances of being able to get a scholarship. I'm not going to lie... I was completely bummed. I have calmed myself though, and realized that it was the best choice. I am probably going to go to MCC (Manchester Community College), and take all my basic classes for a very inexpensive fee. Makes a lot more sense in the long run. Saving money is always a good thing.

Inside I find myself fighting what path I want to take. I originally thought that I would want Forensic Psychology. Now I think I am leaning more towards a Science related degree. This is something that I also enjoy thoroughly. It is going to take me a great deal of time to make this decision. It's only the rest of my life I'm planning, right?

  I wish I could find a decent roommate, so I could get a nice place when I move out. That isn't looking promising though. The best thing I can think of is just living alone. I know I can trust myself. Every time I've moved out in the past I have moved in with someone else, or have gotten a place with someone. All have ended in failure. Plus, I need to learn how to finance with my own money , and not getting help from someone else concerning rent and what not. This will also be a big step for me. If you have read my first post, I stated that at my age I believe that I should be married by now. For my age group at least. So, I didn't see myself having to move into an apartment alone. Figured I'd move in with a significant other, I learned the hard way that the significant other doesn't always stick around. Having a place of my own will be great, lonely, but great. I won't have to worry about someone moving out because of a break up, or me having to move out wich is the usual case. So far 2011 is looking to be the start of something good, maybe a whole new me. I am very curious to see what happens. One step at a time, first things first. Get a car, then get an apartment, than start school. Perhaps a relationship? Hmm, I'd allow it.

Yea, it's kind of like that....

It's my Birthday! Happy Birthday to me.

I'm feeling very accomplished. I filed my taxes, and filled out my FASFA for school. I also have my interview and tour for SNHU tomorrow. After that I will be filling out my the school application. I hope things keep falling into place, I'm really starting to enjoy good things happening... instead of bad things. Then again, always keeps life interesting. I am also looking at cars, I am becoming quite found of the Audi A4. We'll see what happens in time.

Salutations

I'd like to thank the Academy...

  When did the people in this world become so fake? Why must it take so long for us to be our "true" selves when we meet new people. I find myself even realizing that I am not my complete personality when I am not very familiar with someone. I come off a bit timid and shy. Sometimes, I think things for a response and don't say them. When typically I am the first one to say what is on my mind, rude or not. With some people though, I'm scared to say exactly what is on my mind. Fear? Complications? There are those few people out there that can't really take a joke, or realize I am not trying to be rude.

I am less serious than most. When people talk seriously about heavy subjects, I like to think that I can uphold a conversation but can't help to throw in a joke or two to lighten the mood. Maybe I can't get too serious? I don't like feeling strong emotions. The ones that completely take over. People who have those kinds of emotions fascinate me though. Having those feelings of passion or take such pride in things intrigues me.

I also find myself seeking out the "abnormal" or "weird" individuals. I feel like they are more true to themselves than most "normal" people are. That might sound a bit biased though. So please take no offense. Especially my friends, I don't want you thinking I am calling you "abnormal." LOL! Just seems to me that the more normal you are the more fake you are.... I feel like I can't get exactly what I am trying to say out. Maybe this post was a bad idea. Oh well...that's all you get kids.

Ta-da

 

So I have my license re-instated. I can now drive....legally. :)

Ex decided he won't be taking Junior this weekend. "It's a bad weekend." Wish I could just relinquish my responsibilities as easy as some people. 

                      My Birthday is this weekend. I thought maybe I'd go out and have some fun. My mom said she'd watch my son for me. I don't like that idea. I feel like a bad person every time I ask someone to baby sit. Like they will think that I would rather "party" than take care of my son. I know this isn't really what they are thinking, but I still worry. He is my responsibility. I really wish his father felt the same way. What if this week was a bad week for me and I couldn't have Mikey. Then what? Would he opt to take him then? Nope, then it would be that I am a bad mother and don't care about my son. Funny how these things work. I would never give up an opportunity to spend time with my son if I only saw him once a week. It would only be under dire circumstances for me to say I couldn't take him. Again, that is just me I suppose

 Why do people rush into relationship? After my ex and I broke up I waited a good solid two months to heal before I even started to talk to guys with flirtatious intentions. The ex on the other hand, waited a good solid week. People upset me by their lack of individualism. They can't stand alone, and feel like they need a significant other to complete them. Really, you need someone else to complete you as a whole? So once you are in a relationship, that is when you are really a great person and are happy. Nothing can defeat you, or bring you down? I thought that's why we had friends and family. I thought maybe...just maybe, having a companion was about finding someone that compliments you as a person, not completes you.  I understand the whole this person completes me because <insert sappy love line here>, to an extent. Sure it's cute. If you believe that particular individual is your soul mate more power to you. I just think that people should figure themselves out and be able to be happy without having to be in a relationship before they try to "complete" someone else. Or else to bad halves don't make a whole. They make a really bad circle. (Example: Tell a kid under the age of 7 to draw a circle.) That's probably how your little "rely on others to make you happy" relationship will look.

I am the type of person to get really excited about a new person in my life. I want to learn as much about them as possible, as fast as possible. I know that is the wrong way to go about it. I have to slow myself down, explain to myself that it takes years to really know someone. I'll admit I get caught up in the little butterflies in my stomach driven mess. I catch myself though. I jumped into too many things in the past, and have learned the way to go about things. I think that people should wait if at the least a year to get married. With all things considered, you should live with them first to see if you can stand their living habits. Can you stand to see this person everyday for the rest of your life after six months of it? If it's a yes, then it is okay to discuss marriage. Not push it. Some people may feel it take a great deal of time to decide if someone is worth marrying. Perhaps they are right. There are a lot of divorces these days. I just want to make sure the person I marry is the right one, don't we all? I should let everyone digest that before I write more. Too-ta-loo.

Pshyco - - Logy

I've come a long way from who I use to be--the person I was when I was with my ex. I was so bland. I feel as though I had no real personality and no real dreams. It's like he drained me of life. Not to say he was purposely doing so... I have myself to blame for that. Talking about this particular part of my life is a bit hard so bare with me. I have this way of suppressing memories. Most of the new people in my life seem to have noticed that when I start to talk about my past I have this big black hole that I just skip over….this is that black hole.  I don't like to tell people about it because I feel really embarrassed about how long I stayed with him. The relationship died about three months in and yet we stayed together for three years. I will never let that happen again. I will never let anyone have that much power over me again. I have been trying to break the patterns that I have become so adjusted to when it comes to relationships. I have become programmed to think that cuddling is bad because he didn't like it. And that I should always buy them things because that's the only thing that makes them happy.  He made me feel other people's needs come before mine. I know that these things aren't true and I should break these habits. I just can't seem to help myself. On the other hand I have become more bold and open.  Unlike before when I had to keep my mouth shut because my opinion and feelings didn't matter I can now tell people just how I feel about things.
  Before I started dating him I was so full of life. I was doing great. I had a car, 4 credit cards, one with a credit line of 3 grand; I was promoted to manager at work and was just happy in general. I was happy with life and everything going on in it. I was going out and having fun with my adult-teen years.  After we started dating I stopped hanging out with friends. I started to blow my money, neglect to pay bills and avoid my family. I also became pregnant. During that time all he wanted to do was go out with his friends and party. Soon after becoming pregnant he started cheating. All I could think was “I can't leave him because then my son will have a broken family. “ I was told things by him so ridiculous that even a ten year old wouldn't believe it. He would say things like “If you buy me an SRT-4 I'll buy you an engagement ring." REALLY?!? I can’t believe how fucking retarded I was. As you the reader can see I was so ashamed of the person I had become that I finally had to break free. I am a bit cracked and bruised but still working on myself. I still find it hard to believe anyone when they say they've never cheated and never will. Frankly, I hear that line a lot. I am competent enough to know that not every person out there cheats and lies about stupid things. Yet, it still makes me feel like I'm about to go through a yellow light… wondering if I should hit the brakes soon.

So this song is the only song that is just perfect for how I felt when I was with my ex. (note: I don't feel it is right to say names it wouldn't be fair to the other parties involved. To just throw their names around is blasphemy.)

Gravity lyrics
Songwriters: Bareilles, Sara;

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long



                                                                     So I know that anytime I try to describe things that I am feeling it comes off a bit vague or wishy-washy. Only because I would like not to get too personal. All I really need is to write the main idea of how I feel, or get straight to the point. Besides, no one really wants ALL the boring details. ;)



  (edited by Sarah LaFlamme)

Changes

A lot of things are changing around me. Most people I know don't like change. I for one love change. I am so open to new things. I enjoy when things change around me, not that I don't think back to the days when I was once a wee little girl playing with her My Little Ponies. I just like to embrace the new things that happen. I noticed this about me about a year ago. I was talking to an old district manager of mine, back when I was working at BK, she said that she loved my spirit and that I embrace new things. That I don't hold back, and always want to know how I can improve my skills, and enjoy any work environment I'm in. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

                                                We have a new manager at my work, come to find out I've worked with him before back when I was in my old district. He's a cool guy, and I am excited about the good/new changes he'll make with the store. We have lots of employees leaving, and soon to have one of our own to be the new assistant manager. The world around me will cease to exist, and will be replaced by a newer, some what familiar, but still different place. So much can happen in just a few months. It's really quite remarkable to me how feelings, environments, and new experiences can make everything seem so brand new. Sometimes I wonder if there might be something wrong with me to love new things so much. I never had a favorite blanket or favorite stuffed animal as a child, come to think of it I didn't care for stuffed objects much. Even when I had/have a favorite pairs of jeans, shoes, or shirt I was okay to throw them away once they became "unwearable." I guess I don't have to worry about being a "pack rat."


                                                               I have decided to dye my hair. Right now the bleach is setting in, well see how it looks. I bought another color to go over it, if I decide it doesn't look good. I like to dye my hair a lot. I've actually been very patient because I died my hair black in October 2010. So this had actually been the longest I've gone without "messing" with my hair. I don't know what attachment I have with my hair, but I love my hair, and love doing new things to it. It just keeps growing back, why not?



               My son has started seeing his father again on the weekends, after a two month hiatus.  I hope his father doesn't disapear  on him again. It's not fair to Junior to be put through such emotions at such a young age. I am glad though that he's back home! I miss him tons when he's gone. When he's not home, I get bored. Wich  is funny really because when he's around sometimes I just think, "please god I just want to get some things done!"  I imagine myself one day, being in the middle of my career, married, and living "the dream."  Perhaps white picket fence and all? I see Mikey happy. Going to school, hanging with friends, being content with the life I've made for us. Knowing that one day he'll know how hard his mom worked to make sure he had a better life. Striving to one day make his own family and work hard to make a good life for them. I think about the future way to much.



                                                Well my hair is now pink. I hope I can cover it up okay for work. I'd hate to get in trouble for it. We'll see if I can play my cards right and just cover it with a bandanna.  I knew they would be put to some good use one day. I think that should suffice for the night.

Frustrations

I've realized today that I am so over people.

                                        I lost my license for a ridiculous reason, and I think it should be explained to people in the beginning that you need to have an SR-22 for 3 years, prior to them going to get one. Long story....
For now I am more annoyed with the fact that I don't have a vehicle. I pride myself in being a very self sufficient person. I am not one to ask for help, unless I am desperate. Since October of  '10 I have been without a car. I am lucky enough that I have rides to work, and so far have been lucky that I have actually been able to find rides home. This is so difficult for me, I hate the fact that anytime I want to do anything, I can't just go out alone. I am not a loner, but sometimes I just like to do my own thing. I've spent most of my life doing things on my own, and when I tried becoming more open to doing things with people (example: going to the mall, grocery shopping, salon, ect.) I usually was let down by people being busy or some excuse to say they can't go. Wich is fine, people get busy, I have from time to time not been able to do things when invited or not been in the mood to be out and about. My point is I am use to just being able to do as I please, wether someone is with me or not. So for me to be "stuck" is hurting my pride. I feel like a kid, stuck at home, begging my parents to bring me some where. Half the time I just want to sit at home, perhaps I am a bit depressed, but I am really not a fan of using that word. I feel like it is a strong word, and a lot of people use it wrong. I am just trying to figure things out for myself. I suppose this was maybe some sick joke on me, trying to get me to learn to ask for help. Geez, I know how to ask for it, I just prefer not to. I love helping other people, it makes me happy to see that I made someone else happy. Though when someone does something for me, or gets me a gift of some sorts I feel like I now "owe" them something. Even if that wasn't the case, and they weren't looking for some kind of fairness in the sharing or helping field, I can't help but feel that way.



                          I think I've told my friends a million times now, "I just can't wait for W2's to come in, so I can finally get a car." It's very repetitive, and I'll admit it. It's because it is always on my mind. NEED CAR NEED CAR.... Over and over again in my head. Obsessive much? Haha. Yes, I'll allow it. I also just keep hearing left and right from friends and family that I am not read for any kind of commitment or relationship until I "get myself together." So your telling me that because I live with my parents, and don't have a car that I just can't be mature enough to still get my life in order while enjoying the company of a companion? That's crap. I feel ready to be in a relationship, I know I won't jump into anything. Men scare the shit out of me, but I can't let that stop me from trying. Perhaps, one day, I will find a nice person that will sweep my off my feet. The kind of person you get butterflies in your stomach when you are on your way to see them. ( Or in my case they are coming to get me. Lol.)


                        I can never get my thoughts organized enough for this, So I'm not even going to try anymore. I should just rename this : Ramblings of the unorganized mind.    Well, as long as I get my thoughts down, I'm sure it doesn't really matter what order they go in. The|End.

First things first

My first entry to a blog that I'm not even sure I will keep up with. A blog that I'm not sure I'll make everything on my mind entirely known. Perhaps I'll make this like a diary? That would be a bit personal to keep on the internet. Then again, this is 2011, Facebook as shown us how open the world can really be about their personal life for all to see. I shall start this with perhaps a description of myself, and what is going on in the world around me.


                                          I'm Jessi, I am 23 years old. My birthday is coming up in the next week or so. I will be 24. Being this age, I myself, think that I should be married and starting my career. This is not the case. I live with my parents, have a 2 1/2 year old son, and not even in a relationship. I work at Dunkin Donuts, and have since October of '04. I plan to start school in the fall. Life hasn't dealt me the best hand, but that goes to say I haven't dealt myself a very good hand either. This is a case of me now learning the game and hoping to play better.


                                My problem with education is that I dropped out of high school when I was 16. (Stupid idea, you don't have to tell me) I have received my GED, in hopes that I can pursue my college and career dreams. Not quite sure how things will pan out. I don't know the first step into picking a college that might appeal to me. College in general appeals to me, so what am I looking for? I think my first year will be a way of me learning what to expect and what I will and won't like for the future. For now though, I will stick with whatever I can get into and what has the courses I want.  Maybe I have gone a bit too far for my first entry.


                                                        More about me:
  Men and women are mind boggling to me. Not in a way that I can't understand them. I am pretty good at reading people, and I pride myself in that. There are a small handful though that I just don't get, and most likely never will. I'm okay with that, as long as I at least try and if after many attempts I fail I'll accept it. This isn't contained to just relationship wise, also pertains to friends and family. If you, the reader, haven't noticed yet that my mind jumps all over the place then here is a warning. This is why I am not a writer. Most of the things I spit out don't really make much sense. I think I'll end this here, perhaps my next post will actually be a bit more lined up and readable.