Building blocks

Mikey's dentist appointment is today. I'm glad he takes after me and loves going to the doctors or dentist. So far he has been cavity free every time, hopefully this time he will be as well.

After the dentist I am bringing him to his babysitter's house because they asked if they could bring him to the fair with them. They know I don't have money and live pay check to pay check, so to be nice they offer to do fun things that cost money with him. It's really nice of them. I just wish I could bring him to the fair. I haven't been to the fair in years because I am usually broke or have to work. I hope he has fun though, he really is an amazing kid. I got so lucky, so blessed with him. Hopefully I'll be able to take him apple and pumpkin picking this year. I get even less hours at work than I used to.... so I don't know how this is going to go. Since my muffler fell off of my car and I don't have the $600.00 to fix it.

I am really sick of being broke all the time. My friends are great, and they offer to buy food and things... and I just feel like nothing I do will ever be enough. I just want my son to have a good life. Thankfully there are Good Wills around so I can actually buy him new shoes. Even though they are used, he is at the age where he goes through shoes so fast I just couldn't afford to buy him new shoes every month for $35.00 a pair. As much as I know going to school will be worth it in the long run, it is taking a toll on my finances. I feel like I am never going to move out of my parents house, never going to own a decent car, and never going to be free of this financial debt that keeps building. Blarg.

Reluctant

Being in a relationship makes me feel restrained and being single is lonely. I make the worst mistakes when I am single and become a cave dweller when I am in a relationship. Why can't I learn mix these two personalities?
I just want to be happy either way. I don't want to be a slave to love, and I don't want to act like I'm 15 every time I become single. Fack.

Notice me

Eye of the storm

Some days are harder than others. Like when it is hard to get out of bed... I just get so sad. Today was a hard day. It's usually when Mikey isn't here. Mikey keeps me going, I love that boy so much.

My friends have really been amazing at being there for me when I need them. I don't even know how I got so blessed to find people like this. I'm glad they are there for my bad and good days or I would be an utter mess. Not that I haven't shown messy characteristics lately.... that is beyond my control.

School will be starting in a week. I have all this week to fuck around and be lazy... and then the fun begins.
I really need September to treat me well...please.

Today is yesterday, tomorrow.

I am really over my ex. I've actually been over him for a little while now. I made sure I didn't start really looking for someone until I had moved on. I pride myself in my ability to know when I am and am not ready for a relationship. I don't lead people on and I don't pretend to care. I think I am a good person and perhaps one day I will make someone very happy and they will make me happy. Until then I am going to take my time... slowly dipping my feet into this vast ocean of people. It can be scary at times, wondering if you'll sink down to the bottom and be attacked by sharks. Or perhaps I will float and meet a few nice people. One things for sure, I am not going to be meeting anyone worth while near this shoreline. School starts on September 4th. I hope I do well in my classes. Perhaps starting out the new school year single is a good idea, nothing can hold me back but myself. I've got nothing to hold onto, new work and new school... everything is so different. My life has done a complete flip from what it was just a month ago. Fascinating, isn't it? How fast things can change, how scenery can play a big part in how fast you change... or what changes inside of you.

My phone is blowing up.

Dah fauq?

Seriously... fucking seriously... I think I have had enough rejection for the Summer.
Why the fuck would you go out of your way to find me and get to know me when you were still hung up on your ex? I really don't understand people. I am done with people for awhile.

uh-huh.

So much for that..... Guess I should just say fuck it.

Let there be hope

Second day of work...
Perhaps these changes are making me stronger. I really didn't mind today. Yesterday was good and today was better. I suppose it'll just get better but we shall see.

In other news: I saw her last night. My friends Amelia and Dannah came with me to eat dinner at the place she works. She was so cute. I couldn't help but notice her beautiful blue eyes, and how she couldn't quite look me in the eye. A little red in the face myself, I still managed to keep calm. I felt as though my heart and stomach were melting into one huge butterflying that was having a panic attack inside of me. I so much wanted to just sit and talk with her, but she was of course working. It was cute how she purposely took her sweet ass time getting our checks.. procrastinating so we wouldn't leave. I am so shy sometimes, but I know how to be some what charming when the time calls for it. Unfortunately my friends were pretty much making fun of me the entire time, bullocks. Never the less, I wrote her yet another note on the back of my receipt. I mentioned that perhaps this time she shouldn't lose the note. Got home at 11:30 PM, continued to text her until midnight I believe... then past out at 1 AM to wake up at 3:30 AM for work. Probably got about two and a half hours of sleep... but it was worth it.

I am excited for school. Even though my first semester is all repeat classes, I am eager to see what new things I can learn. Every professor has different knowledge and has something they can teach you that the other couldn't. I hope I enjoy my psychology professor... it would be a shame to ruin my favorite subject.

Surreal

I crave the familiar. My mind is bouncing all over the place with all this new things. Too many stimuli I suppose. Today was my first day at my new job, and for a little bit there I wanted to run back to my old job in Nashua. I missed my friends there and my old paper work. They do things so differently here that I just wanted to run and hide. I knew I couldn't though, perhaps with her texting me most of the day gave me hope that this change is good. I think at one moment I even missed August.... but I believe it was more of the need for familiarity than actually missing him.
After about 9am I started to get more comfortable and realized that the people at this store were incredibly nice. I found that there were a bunch of people there from my old Manchester store, and my LP manager who was also my buddy in Nashua was there as well. I'm so glad I didn't give up... perhaps she helped in some way. Keeping me focused.. she didn't even have to try, she was just texting me and it made me feel like everything was going to be okay and that I have nothing to worry about. I barely know her, but I hope I see her again soon. Even if nothing romantic comes of it... I really would like to have her in my life. She is one of the most fascinating people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.

I digress

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.”

—	Robert Brault

Set yourself free

Getting upset with exes and forcing yourself to move on is exhausting. Take your time; your heart, mind, and soul need that time to heal. We can get angry sometimes, bitter is a word I have been frequenting, and sad. But we need to learn to love ourselves before we can love another. Hearts don’t break even…as the song goes. The unscathed one is going to be happy while you feel like you are wasting away. But take the good parts with you, the important parts, and throw the rest of the memories away. No need to carry all that baggage around. You need this time to find yourself. So go do it, try something new. Meet some new friends and stop being so shy. You need this. You need to have your friends help with the healing process.

You are so much better off with one less and selfish undeserving of you person in your life. Embrace it, it will set you free.

Also, Mumford & Sons is good to listen  to. 

Webs

I feel like I am making this gigantic mess that I am not going to be able to clean up. All these people I feel like I am just fucking with because of my own sick need for affection. Why am I doing this? I need to be single for awhile because I can't feel anything. I feel nothing for anyone. They are all just people that happen to be attractive and lonely... and then I come along on my horse acting like I am so charming and witty.... What the fuck is wrong with me? I need to stop being so angry. I am so bitter and angry. I just want to be loved I guess, and that is what any human strives for I would assume. But not like this... not this way. Karma never hits my exes, but for some reason the karma that should hit them hits me.

I need to be honest, but I don't want to open myself up to another person again. Everyone leaves. Everyone hurts you. There are no exceptions.

Tattoo psychic

Today I went with my friend for her to get a tattoo. She got this amazing tree stencil like tattoo. Today I thought was going to be another ordinary day, with the exception of just hanging out at a tattoo parlor for the majority of the day.... so I thought.

Apparently this tattoo artist was also a psychic. Like holy fuck. Nothing makes me more nervous than a psychic medium because they can know everything about you as soon as you walk in the door. I have so much inside of me... I don't want anyone to know. He was really nice though, and didn't disclose in front of my friend anything really personal. I sometimes become skeptic, I mean... he was a tattoo artist, not many people would think he was legit. Then he started telling me things... then I knew, I knew he couldn't be making this shit up.

He told me about how August was basically with me because I was convenient for the time being. I was just filling a void in his life, an absence of a sibling he noted. He also mentioned that I should stay clear of a red Volkswagen and that it was bad news. Now I am freaking out and looking everywhere I drive to avoid this fucking vehicle that is suppose to be really bad for me to come by. He said that I was in the next three days going to receive money for school.... I don't know how I feel about that one. He brought up that it was my grandmother from my mother's side of the family that was letting me know I am on the right path. Like... she knew I needed guidance. Which I do! He mentioned how I need to and am going to get a certification. I couldn't believe it! Like... he had no idea I was going to school for radiology when he mentioned this... he just knew I was in school. Blew my mind.
Then he brought up a ring, and how I was wrapping a ribbon around it and tossing it into a coffin. He then went on to say that I needed to take the ring that August gave me and bind it (with the ribbon) so I could get rid of the pain he has caused me. After that I will be set free from the emotions I have for him. He also said that August didn't cheat on me... but if given the chance he would have and said thankfully he wasn't given a real chance to. It made me sad to hear that but realize that I'm so glad the relationship is over with. I don't know what I would do with myself if another guy cheated on me. He then went on to say that I will meet someone new... a "CH" name. Mentioned "Chad" or "Charlie" and that I do not know this person but he will be the new guy in my life in the next three months. He said also that because of me working hard to be the mother and father of my son, that the current male friends in my life will step up and become the male roll models that Mikey needs.
At one point he scared the shit out of me... he brought up how he knows I really want to cut....so badly, but I know I can't. He knew I was really strong and would pull out of this but also knew I was struggling with wanting to cut myself.  In that moment I was so shocked. He knew all the pain I was going through, and how I needed to be strong for Mikey.

All that from going to a support a friend getting a tattoo. Holy fuck.

The harsh reality

Everyone says things like, “one day they will regret losing you.” What if they don’t?

In reality that doesn’t really happen. Perhaps for a split second they see something that has reminded them of you, and then boom back to normal… not even a flinch. When people leave you, they will get over you faster. They fell out of love first, they had a jump start on the moving on process. So I really don’t want to hear anymore bullshit about how people will regret losing you and how they will really miss you soon. No. No they will not. They will go on about their lives just as they would have if they had never met you. Yes I sound like I am bitter, but it’s a harsh reality. The sooner people realize that, they better off you are. The faster you stop the pain of holding on you will move on and eventually be happy.

Sincerely,

Telling me things that aren't true just keep me holding on

Images

Pay no mind to the broken

I feel like the last year of my life has been a dream. I think back to the beginning... just hanging out at my ex's dorm. Talking. I miss talking. I miss communicating on that level with people. Not having a care in the world about anything else except for that moment of expressing yourself to someone, and they listen. Or you listening and learning new things about someone. The way you stare at them when they are talking, like you are trying to understand and learn every shadow and curve of their face. It's probably really weird that I noticed that stuff. I'm going to turn the creep factor down a notch, but I just wonder what happens... Where is the line you cross when you go from getting to know someone, to feeling like you know everything about them, to not knowing anything about them anymore? It's crazy how the things you used to find adorable about a person, can at some point drive you completely mad. I am rambling....

I'm starting to feel like I am not meant for relationships, some people are just better off alone. I can't do this to myself or Mikey. It's not fair to him to bring people into his life that are just going to leave. His father is in and out all the time.... he needs a constant. I need someone who wants to be there.


I think it's sad that my pain doesn't even faze him. I know I sound cliche', but I really feel like I am thrown away. I am slowly erasing my memories of him. Reminders are so painful, not because he isn't here but because I am nothing to him anymore. I don't even know what I did to deserve this? What did I do to be completely push out of his life? We weren't even broken up for an entire month and he's already wrapped around her finger. You think you know people, but then I realize... I don't know August. I knew of Branch. The gentleman. The guy that would have never done what he had done to me. The person I fell in love with is gone, he doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes it feels like I lost him long before we broke up, and I knew it... but I just wanted him... for a little longer. I wanted to hold on for dear life to that guy I once called the love of my life. I was so nieve, I should have just let go but I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't ready to lose him forever. I wasn't ready to move on, because it wasn't over for me. I still had the butterflies, and his were dead.

It took every ounce of my being to unfriend him on facebook. But I couldn't continue to have his new life rubbed in my face. I'm glad he is happy and I want him to be. I just can not forgive him. Never in a million years did I think he, of all people, would have hurt me this much. He knew my past, and he disregarded it. You figure with all the awful feelings I have right now that I would never want to see him again. I would have never bestowed this kind of treatment upon him if the tables were turned. I deserve better.

I am moving on. And once in awhile he might think back and remember me, and perhaps he'll actually miss me. But that is neither here nor there.
 I can't keep this pain anymore, you can have it back.

Serenade me

"Some Say"

Some say we're never meant to grow up
I'm sure they never knew enough
I know the pressures won't go away
It's too late

Find out the difference somehow
It's too late to even have faith
Don't think things will ever change
You must be dreaming

Think before you make up your mind
You don't seem to realize
I can do this on my own
And if I fall I'll take it all
It's so easy after all

Believe me 'cause now's the time to try
Don't wait, the chance will pass you by
Time's up to figure it out
You can't say it's too late

Seems like everything we knew
Turned out were never even true
Don't trust, things will never change
You must be dreaming

Think before you make up your mind
You don't seem to realize
I can do this on my own
And if I fall I'll take it all
It's so easy after all

Some say we're better off without
Knowing what life is all about
I'm sure they'll never realize the way
It's too late

Somehow it's different everyday
In some ways it never fades away
Seems like it's never gonna change
I must be dreaming

Think before you make up your mind
You don't seem to realize
I can do this on my own
Think before you make up your mind
You don't seem to realize
I can do this on my own
And if I fall I'll take it all
It's so easy after all

Believe me, it's alright
It's so easy after all
Believe me, it's alright
It's so easy after all

Thoughts

I haven't looked at his stuff...

I can't bring myself to.

It'll make me cry.. knowing... knowing he is falling in love with her.

....and I am but all out of the picture now.

Some where between

                                                                    "Hundred"

The how I cant recall
But im staring at
What once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet admidst
The broad daylight

So this is where you are
And this is where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

Its hard I must confess
Im banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you

You right where you are
From right where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

And who's to say its wrong
And who's to say that its not right
Where we should be for now

So this is where you are
And this is where I am
So this is where you are
And this is where ive been
Somewhere between 
Unsure and a hundred

PRIDE - 2012

So the NH pride festival in on Saturday and I am completely stoked for it! I am meeting friends there, though I am a bit nervous about parking. I should probably just park at a friends house and walk there, we'll see. None the less, I have never been to a pride fest before so I have no idea what to expect. I am nervous and excited all at once. I'm sure there will be talking and music though for sure.

Also, I am being kidnapped and brought to a barbecue after all the festivities. Apparently I should "not fight this." But we shall see. I'm sure it'll be fun, though I don't do fantastic around a million strangers.

Mikey has been begging me for a mohawk for about a month now, I bought clippers and finally did it. Though it is not a full hawk. He moved and the back got messed up, so I shaved the entire back. I felt bad cause I knew he really wanted a full hawk, but after all was said and done he looked in the mirror and was so happy. He just said over and over again, "Thank you mommy, thank you mommy! I really like my mohawk!" At least with even little mess ups that I do here and there, he will always love me. Oh, and I am dying from my cold. Only I get colds in the spring and summer it seems. At least by getting my cold now, it might get it out of the way for when Autumn starts? One can only hope!

I really don't have anything else to write... I might later, who knows?
Sincerely,
OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN!

Goodbye

Dear A.B.,
I am sorry I made you so miserable. At least you are happy now.
Sincerely,
Just me.

Long story short.

Dear people who actually read this,
I feel so hollow now. Like the shell of my former self. Everything almost seems pointless now.
fuck.

Well that seems impossible

Dear World,
I don't get it, I just don't understand. Perhaps my brain just can not compute something like that. I've been through many break ups, and you think back to them and remember how much it hurt, because a part of you is still hurting from each one. With each love.... a piece of you is given to the person, perhaps that is the real pain we feel? The missing piece that we will never get back. I just remember that I felt so much pain, the pain when Mike and I broke up was ridiculous. I remember not eating and basically sleeping my life away. But I had almost forgotten exactly how much the mental pain was. Once you've been broken again...everything comes back.  I carry around so much with me... I don't know how to let it all go. It's not like I haven't tried. I've tried seeing other people, or seeing if I could be intimate, or just keeping busy. I have been trying so I know I am not crazy. There's is literally nothing I can do except continue to ignore every voice in my head that says to miss him. What do you do then? Just sit there, in pain, because there is literally nothing else I can do....
I could sit here and talk to 59034988 attractive men and women and still wish they were someone else. Well, unless it's the Tatum, but only because in real life he is a gentleman.

I am worried. I don't know why I worry about him. I think  because of the drastic personality change that his T levels are too high, but that is not my business anymore. If I said anything, he would completely kick me out of his life... not like that hasn't already happened. I was talking to a friend, who is dating a Trans* guy, and she said that around the 5 and 6 months on T mark he was acting the same way. They had broken up for a month or so and then when he had realized his T levels were too high he fixed it and his personality went back. Sometimes I think maybe that will happen...but then I remember all the damage that has been done. How can you repair this? I never even thought he'd ever tell me to "Fuck off!" ever. Not in a million years.  I really can't wait for the day that I do not car anymore.

Sincerely, I don't think it could ever be that good again.

Take what you want from me

Meh.

Being awake sucks. Fuck everything ever. 

My life means nothing when my son isn't around.

On another note, going to the club sucks. Everyone there is either my ex's ex, my ex's current girlfriend's ex, ugly as fuck, creepy, or taken. Oh well.

Oh, I dyed my hair because that's what I always do. And giving your number to a waitress at 2AM is probably not a good choice. I should stop drinking so much, but that's not going to happen.

I'm thinking today is a beach day, woot!

Sincerely,

I kind of forget what she looks like, fuck. 

I just want you to know that it's a little fucked up

There is no "Dear"

I am sad. Even when I am out with friends, which I seem to be constantly doing lately to avoid being home, I feel alone. I feel so incomplete. I miss the person I use to tell everything to. Everything is just bottled up inside of me, and I want to call him. I want to tell him of all the love I have for him still, and how I don't want to lose him, he is my everything. But I couldn't handle another rejection, not from him. When Mikey came home last night all he was talking about was how he wanted to see Connor, Braedon, and August. He still doesn't understand why he can't see them. I held it together, explained the best I could, made him dinner and ask my parents if I could be excused for a few minutes. And then there I was, in my room.... tears weld up in my eyes. I just broke down. I felt like I was screaming like a dying whale with the sounds that came out of me. All the hurt needed to get out. I am so pathetic. I felt like I have betrayed myself, letting myself continue to hurt like that.

Sincerely, Why do I write these like letters?

I was spinning free

"Empty Apartment"


Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down 
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare 
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is 
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone 
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again 
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay
It's okay

I may never forgive you. But everyday I am taking steps... and that is best thing someone can ask for. I shouldn't have gotten so upset earlier, I think it was because that girl is fucking gross, and that is not the jealousy talking... that is the friend in me saying what the fuck is wrong with you... You would really trust a girl that tried to get with you when you were in a relationship then you are asking for shit to fall on you in my honest opinion. The jealous girl in me hopes she has herpes, and I know that is mean and wrong and caddy... but fuck it. I am sick of trying to be the nice person all the time. Why do I have to get shit on and be nice, what have I ever done, hmm? Now I am just getting angry, that wasn't the point of this. I am hurting myself by loving you... Sincerely, Not like me loving you mattered.

That's all I needed

Dear A.B.,
When I saw that both you and nasty girl had the rings on I flipped my shit. I am stuck between this "is it just playing around" or "are they fucking each other now?" I want to punch things. You swore you would never touch her because she is gross, and now she is like your bff at camp. I can't do this... I thought, maybe just maybe we could be friends... but I don't know if I can do that anymore. It felt so good to finally talk to you, without crying or feeling broken. I wanted us to one day be able to sit over coffee, or a beer, or whatever... and be able to talk about what happen between us and maybe give us another go, but not for like months from now. I just don't know how long it will take to forgive you. And I feel like you lied now, by saying she was ugly and gross just to shut me up. You should have known.... you should have known that I don't ever want to be "just shut up." I want the truth, always. I've been through rough shit, I think I can handle you finding someone attractive. But for now it's hard to believe you wouldn't find me attractive anymore. When I was with you, I got sad about my weight but I thought you loved me at that time so I put on a smile and thought maybe I am beautiful like he says... Now all I see is an ugly piece of shit who can't hold onto anything.

I know I need to calm down... I no longer have the VIP access I once had into your life. But I'd like to think, if only to make myself not feel so terribly about it, that I meant a little more to you than someone you can move on from after a week.

Sincerely,
"I stay wrecked and jealous for this"

And in that moment, I thought I saw the real you

Dear You,
This should stop, I was doing so much better avoiding the issues at hand. But we all know how that ends... that's just too messy for me. You wrote something that made me believe you were still here, just stuck inside this monster you had become. Then you deleted it. You erased what seems like that last piece of you that I knew. I really don't know you anymore. It's scary in just a matter of three weeks time, someone you could love and know everything about, disappears. Where did you go? You knew me better than anyone else, now I am a stranger. Why? You want me to forgive you, but how does one do that? How can someone just let go? I let you into my heart, I let you know me.Which is crazy because at that time when we met, I didn't want anyone to get in. Then you run away, pushing me down as you take each step farther from me. You sit there completely unscathed by the harm you did to me.

 I feel like I never want another father figure near Mikey. If this is how it is going to be... if people are just going to keep walking out on him, then they don't deserve to be in his life or mine for that matter. You swear you didn't lie, but you promised me the heavens and took them away.

Sincerely,
Will this pain ever stop?