I feel like the last year of my life has been a dream. I think back to the beginning... just hanging out at my ex's dorm. Talking. I miss talking. I miss communicating on that level with people. Not having a care in the world about anything else except for that moment of expressing yourself to someone, and they listen. Or you listening and learning new things about someone. The way you stare at them when they are talking, like you are trying to understand and learn every shadow and curve of their face. It's probably really weird that I noticed that stuff. I'm going to turn the creep factor down a notch, but I just wonder what happens... Where is the line you cross when you go from getting to know someone, to feeling like you know everything about them, to not knowing anything about them anymore? It's crazy how the things you used to find adorable about a person, can at some point drive you completely mad. I am rambling....
I'm starting to feel like I am not meant for relationships, some people are just better off alone. I can't do this to myself or Mikey. It's not fair to him to bring people into his life that are just going to leave. His father is in and out all the time.... he needs a constant. I need someone who wants to be there.
I think it's sad that my pain doesn't even faze him. I know I sound cliche', but I really feel like I am thrown away. I am slowly erasing my memories of him. Reminders are so painful, not because he isn't here but because I am nothing to him anymore. I don't even know what I did to deserve this? What did I do to be completely push out of his life? We weren't even broken up for an entire month and he's already wrapped around her finger. You think you know people, but then I realize... I don't know August. I knew of Branch. The gentleman. The guy that would have never done what he had done to me. The person I fell in love with is gone, he doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes it feels like I lost him long before we broke up, and I knew it... but I just wanted him... for a little longer. I wanted to hold on for dear life to that guy I once called the love of my life. I was so nieve, I should have just let go but I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't ready to lose him forever. I wasn't ready to move on, because it wasn't over for me. I still had the butterflies, and his were dead.
It took every ounce of my being to unfriend him on facebook. But I couldn't continue to have his new life rubbed in my face. I'm glad he is happy and I want him to be. I just can not forgive him. Never in a million years did I think he, of all people, would have hurt me this much. He knew my past, and he disregarded it. You figure with all the awful feelings I have right now that I would never want to see him again. I would have never bestowed this kind of treatment upon him if the tables were turned. I deserve better.
I am moving on. And once in awhile he might think back and remember me, and perhaps he'll actually miss me. But that is neither here nor there.
I can't keep this pain anymore, you can have it back.
I'm starting to feel like I am not meant for relationships, some people are just better off alone. I can't do this to myself or Mikey. It's not fair to him to bring people into his life that are just going to leave. His father is in and out all the time.... he needs a constant. I need someone who wants to be there.
I think it's sad that my pain doesn't even faze him. I know I sound cliche', but I really feel like I am thrown away. I am slowly erasing my memories of him. Reminders are so painful, not because he isn't here but because I am nothing to him anymore. I don't even know what I did to deserve this? What did I do to be completely push out of his life? We weren't even broken up for an entire month and he's already wrapped around her finger. You think you know people, but then I realize... I don't know August. I knew of Branch. The gentleman. The guy that would have never done what he had done to me. The person I fell in love with is gone, he doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes it feels like I lost him long before we broke up, and I knew it... but I just wanted him... for a little longer. I wanted to hold on for dear life to that guy I once called the love of my life. I was so nieve, I should have just let go but I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't ready to lose him forever. I wasn't ready to move on, because it wasn't over for me. I still had the butterflies, and his were dead.
It took every ounce of my being to unfriend him on facebook. But I couldn't continue to have his new life rubbed in my face. I'm glad he is happy and I want him to be. I just can not forgive him. Never in a million years did I think he, of all people, would have hurt me this much. He knew my past, and he disregarded it. You figure with all the awful feelings I have right now that I would never want to see him again. I would have never bestowed this kind of treatment upon him if the tables were turned. I deserve better.
I am moving on. And once in awhile he might think back and remember me, and perhaps he'll actually miss me. But that is neither here nor there.
I can't keep this pain anymore, you can have it back.
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