and then it stars

Dear A.B.,
Really? Fucking really? We have a week together and then you go back home and you are already starting shit because we didn't fuck all day like you planned? I'm so sorry I wanted to help our friend, who is having a rough break up. She really needs up now the most, and you wanted me to throw her to the wolves for sex? You have some growing up to do.

Sincerely,
Did you really think sex was more important?

Perhaps surprisingly

Dear World,
I want to dye my hair fun colors without being told I need to dye it a "normal color" or I don't have a job. I want to jog on my street without feeling judged, or someone whistling out the window to me. I want to feel the freedom of being able to have fun with friends without having to worry about the sleep I need to get to function the next day. I want to drive, I want to drive mercilessly to the beach, to the country, to the city... I want to drive anywhere because there is freedom in that. Know you can go anywhere you want with nothing holding you back.  I want to feel my stomach feel like it is jumping up and slowly falling down as I ride roller coasters until I can't breath. I want to feel secure about my future. I want the guarantee that I will get a job after college, and I will enjoy it. I want to cover my arms and legs with tattoos and know that I made the right choice, that I won't be looked down upon, that people will tell me what a beautiful body of art I have.
I want to be me.

Sincerely, 

Someone who can only be expected to adhere to so much before they break.

Am I falling apart?

Dear A.B.,
This really hurt my feelings:

you are:

[X] adorable
[X] cute
[X] beautiful
[X] gorgeous
[] ewwww, unfollow me
[] ok

would i date you?
[X] yes
[] no, sorry
[] maybe

best feature : 
[] style
[X] smile
[] hair
[X] eyes
[X] personality
[] body

rate?
[] 1-3
[] 4-6
[X] 7-9
[] +10

I know there is the idea that I could be making this out to be more than it actually is, but that really hurt. I am suppose to be the person you love unconditionally and you rate me a 7-9? Are you having a momentary brain malfunction? Do you even know what most women think when their significant other rates them lower than a 10 for an overall? 

What where you thinking? I was already going to the gym 4 days a week because I am trying to change how I look. NOW I want to get liposuction and work out 7 days a week and eat celery for the rest of my life. I thought it was just the jack asses in society that could make a person feel like they were worthless, but today you proved me wrong. Anyone can make you feel that way.

What am I, like fifteen?

Dear A.B., K.D., & L.H.

I feel like this happens all the time. Every time A.B. gets a new best friend they creates this clan and I feel like I can't penetrate it. I'm just left on the side lines. I know I sound childish, so if I recognize my immaturity about this.. then why do I even care? Why would I even bother to write this post? I suppose I need some where to write down the immature and ridiculous thoughts that run through my head. Might as well, instead of taking them out on anyone else that doesn't actually deserve to be yelled at.
Sometimes I question what I am doing with myself, am I leading people on to think I am a nicer person than I actually am? Inside I feel like an asshole, like I only care about myself. Then I show this caring person that does things for other people, sometimes I feel enjoyment, others I wish I could punch people in the face. I just wish someone would do things for me and be as nice and as generous as I've been to them. I mean, I spend my money on people is a false sense of friendship.... Silly. Maybe other people have their shit together better, which is why they know better to not spend money on me, or maybe they are all just complete jerks and try to get other people to spend money on them so that they can save theirs. Who knows. All these questions I do realize will never actually be answered, well not intentionally at least. It's not always about money, like I wish someone would whisk me away when I am having a bad day and just drive me to the beach or to the mountains. These are the things I do for other people when they are on a rough road, but they never think to do these things for me. Maybe I'm just in the wrong crowd, I don't know what my "crowd" is. I don't fit with the young moms, the college kids, the druggies, the partiers, or adults they have great jobs. It's sad that I am still trying to figure out where I belong and I'm twenty-five years old. I know I shouldn't hold so much weight over my age, but you figure someone would know by now. Maybe another ten years?

Maybe I'll just find my own friends.
Sincerely,
Don't fucking flatter yourself.

I watched you change

Dear K.D.
I really am not sure if I like the person you are becoming.... you are ditching your friends for a girl you've only known for two weeks. With excuses like "I don't have the gas." -- but then you go to your girlfriend's house the next day? I hope she is giving you some gas money since her family is rich and she has a job.. and you don't anymore. Why can't she just drive up to see you for once? I don't know why I care so much but I do know that you need to slow your roll with this girl. You two had sex the first time you met, I'm sorry for being so negative but I know you two will not last. Also, please treat my boyfriend (who is supposedly your best friend) with a little more respect. Ditching him all the time is getting lame and I have to keep picking up the pieces that you break off. I know I shouldn't care, but you are my friend too, or so I thought.