My emotions are exhausted. I just want to give up, but I know I have to keep going. I really don't know how to feel right now. My car's water pump got all fucked up, so I replaced that but then replaced the timing belt at the same time because it was starting to rip. Now that everything is all replaced, the car won't start. I feel bad for being upset because my friend came down and worked on it for free. He did the best he could, and I swear the timing belt isn't off. I was helping him every step of the way. I am not one of those people that has someone work on my car and then sits inside while they work their ass off to fix it. I like to make myself useful. I hate feeling useless, and right now there is absolutely nothing I can do. Everything is so utterly out of my power.
I am starting to feel depressed again, but I don't want to go back to a therapist. I don't want to sit there and tell them the story of how I came to be. While they just prescribe me medicine that I know I don't need. I try really hard to have a positive outlook on life. I tell myself that I stay single because I don't have the time to give the person and it wouldn't be fair to not give 100% to them... but the sad truth is there is no one for me. I give and give and give while everyone just takes. I have nothing left to give anyone, not even time. It's a rare diamond that would be with someone as fucked up as me. I know I shouldn't continue to put myself down, but I truly believe that if I want someone worth while... I need to be worth while. I am not.
I am going to school for Radiology, and I don't even know if I am going to pass Biology. I am really not that intelligent, I just know enough to bullshit my way through a conversation. I lie to myself and others. I am a single mother that does everything on her own and I still don't have the balls to tell my son's father off for being a piece of shit. I am confused as to whether my heart is set for women or men. I feel like I just annoy people most of the time, so I stay quiet. I am barely talking to anyone at school lately. I try not to say something if I have nothing of substance to add to the conversation. I am trying to not have crushes on my friends, which is turning out to be more difficult than I thought. I feel weird sometimes when they treat me like a guy.... I want to be the cute girl, not just a bro. I pretend I don't give a shit a lot, but inside I freak out.
I am falling apart, but I will never ask for help or tell anyone that I am hurt or upset. It is all on me. I need to clean up my own mess. I want to cry but I can't.
