Appropriately named post

Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2013 is amazing for you all!

I was suppose to go to the party, but I have to work in the morning.. usually that wouldn't stop me, but coinciding with not having gas money.. my night is containing my computer and then sleep. I don't have that big of a problem with it though. I thought I would be upset, but it really is just another day. Some of my friends are complaining about being alone, and I realized that people make days like New Years and Valentine's more than they really are. They are great to share with someone, but when you are single that shouldn't cause any means for depression or heartache. The day should be just another day. I never thought I would say this, but for once... everyone else is spending too much time in their head, and I am trying to explore my world. Again, I hope you all have a great New year. :)

Jessi learns something new

I finally have all the things I need to start snowboarding. Unfortunately, I do not have the money to go to an actual mountain. For now I have been learning in my yard. I have small hill in it so it has kept me busy for the time being. I have been watching a lot of snowboarding videos on youtube and I am getting anxious about going down a real slope. I want to learn more so bad, but there is only so much I can learn in my backyard. I was trying to save and make plans to make this winter glorious.... unfortunately I didn't plan for life. Fixing my car and hours cut at work took a toll on my bank account and now I am back to being broke. I guess I will have to accommodate for next year... for now I will make do with what I have.

             

Bad choices

I know I have so much wrong with me and I need to fix it all. I just don't know where to start.
I seem to have pressed rewind on problem fixing and going back to creating the problems I started with myself when I was 18. It is like I want to completely break myself. Obviously a bit stupid sometimes.

Yule tide

                                                        Merry Christmas everyone!

Background music is a muse

Today.... it wasn't anything super special. Just a day that I worked and went to a family gathering. Nothing exciting or life altering. No epiphanies required. Just a day. I need a muse.

Taking its toll

I wanted to get this off my chest. I had little break down today. I was hanging out with my friend Kristan. We were just sitting in the car and out of no where I started thinking about how with my ex we use to act like we were 10 years old and do this weird accent and talk in it for almost an hour in the car, just fucking around having fun. I miss that a lot. I think that emotional beatings I have been taken from my recent endeavors with the girl I went on a "date" with and the guy that has most recently hurt me have taken more of a toll on me than I thought. I feel really cold and distant from the world... like I don't belong. Like no one will understand me and ever have fun with me like that again. I don't want to be with my ex ever again, so it is not that I actually miss him, the person. I miss having someone compatible that can take a break from reality and just be 10 years old again. Just for an hour, or 20 minutes. Just to have fun and not be judged or worry about the future. I feel like both of the recent people have been slowly degrading my faith in humanity.

Undeserving

"Undeserving"

What was I to you -

some kind of punching bag
the food to your attention diet
the slight grasp of control
you might have had on life?

I am not your winter -

your puppet of distraction
the one you ignore
I can't be your shadow lover
or the catalyst to your despair

What did you think would happen -

I would run open arms
give you all I had
tell you all my secrets
forget who I am?

I think you've got me all wrong -

Cast  me away all you want
speak of me in vain
and they'll call me what I am
the one you didn't deserve to have

                               -J. Lajoie

My rants are contagious

I have been nothing but nice and helpful to my son's father... and he still has to be an asshole. He went two years... two fucking years without paying me child support and always coming up with excuses to not see his son. Now, that he has a girlfriend that he wants to impress he wants to see his son. He pays me $50.00 a week.... That barely covers half of all the money I need to support my son. But I am nice and understand that everyone has to live some how, so I take whatever he can give. I was always dropping him off and picking him at up his fathers... I have lived in the same place all of my son's life. His father is the one that decided to move from 30 minutes away to 50 minutes away... That is not MY fault. So since I was sick of wasting all my money on bringing my son to his father's, I suggest evening it out. Meeting half way... even though the spot we chose is closer to him, I am just too fucking nice. Now for the past two months he has been asking me every Friday to bring him to his house because he has to work late. I usually cave and just do it... but then he has the nerve ask me to meet him the at half way spot for me to pick him up.
Excuse me? Mother fucker, I do not have expendable funds to just drive all over God's green earth for your lazy ass. He fights with me now on Sundays.. I am sick of this. There is no reason why we can't get along... it is seriously just him. He thinks I fucking owe him something... no, no sir I do not owe you shit. How about taking responsibility for your wrong doings and instead of starting shit, try to fix it.

/end rant.

My filter is non-existent sometimes

I was trying to avoid writing about this but right about now I am just fed up. Some of my good friends have entered new relationships.. with that being said I am happy for them, it just really pisses me off when they fall off the face of the earth. I hate that they disappear for the first 3 months of their new relationships. I thought my winter break from school was going to be fantastic, and now it looks like it is going to suck. I don't need friends like this... so go fuck yourself. Cause when you start having problems in your relationship, like what always happens when you have BACK TO BACK relationships... I won't be around.

        Also, on the matter of exes....  all of my exes have brutally torn me apart. Now, when I get over it and try to be friendly they ignore me. They originally want to be friends, then never talk to me. Well fuck you. I thought you guys still wanted to "be a part of my life" and "be friends".... yea, you have a really great way of showing it. I have been nothing but peaceful and respectful, and you all still continue to shit on me. 2013 is going to be one hell of a year because none of you will be apart of it. So don't expect any more texts or messages from me. A real friendship works both ways. I deserve better.

Who was I?

"Who was I?"


The fear ran me down
streaming through my veins
and I ask....

Where were you?
when I screamed your name
restless nights, sobbing
my body caving inward
convulsing without your love....

And where were you?
when I fell to my knees
I begged for you...

Pleading my devotion
filling myself with delusions
until I became numb...

Where were you?
when this pill jar became empty
my stomach full of choices gone wrong
ripped apart and useless....

That was me

Where were you?
when I lost myself
when my days became endless cycles
of eyes rewinding
trying to find the hint
of where our paths went astray...

And who was I?
without you
comrade of giants
carefree thinker
beautiful dreamer
and best of all...

immune to your absence.
                 
                             -J.Lajoie

Liar

Cherished silence

"Cherished silence"

I believe that "I love you's" are sacred,
that holding hands is a gift,
and having a heart is a burden.
Smiles are accomplishments,
tears are my feelings,
and awkward silences should be cherished.
I believe people are addictions,
and bad habits are learned with good intent.
Maybe I love you all wrong.

                                     -J. Lajoie

Unwanted wake up call

"Unwanted wake up call"

I saturate my lips
slightly caressing my tongue against them
violently the images from last night
drain into my brain
like an unwanted visitor
I want to shut down.
If emotions were a color scheme,
the rainbow in my world would be 10 fold
the clock stares at me
like the people in class who think you can't see them
I peel the blankets from my body
5:06 AM, and I have already given up the day,
I miss you.

                  -J. Lajoie

Muse of your massacre

"Muse of your massacre"

Does it make you feel good,
to pick me up?
to act like you care?
to ignore me?
and tell me, does it empower you,
to rub her in my face?
to smile so innocently?
to tear me apart?
Surely it feels incredible,
to feel wanted
to enslave me
to ensure my despair
For me it feels like hell,
to be thrown away
to be insignificant
to be a ghost,
to be your muse for punishment.
 
                -J. Lajoie

So goes the day

I haven't been to poetry club at school for at least a month because of vehicle reasons... I finally went today and I managed to write three poems in a matter of minutes. I shall be posting them shortly. Enjoy my poetry spam :)

Power rangers unite!

I was pretty bummed earlier today, but I was actually getting over it (which is fantastic). What is one shitty date, compared to the endless possibilities I can enjoy out of life?
                                        I saw her at school and she came over and said hello... I said hello back and asked how she was doing, out of pure politeness of course. I am not a very rude person, and treat everyone with respect regardless of my true feeling towards them. After that it was the sweet sound of awkward. I basically ignored her and talked with my friends... because they were pretty pissed off with her actions towards me. ( My friends are the shit and for some odd reason when people hurt my feelings they take it to heart, like their feelings were hurt.. it is quite surreal ). It makes me feel like I am headed down the right path. Breathe of fresh air. I digress, there is a guy in my chemistry class that I have also had a crush on since the beginning of the semester, I know I know I am a crush slut. So I have decided that next time I see him I will flat out ask for his number and see if he is interested in getting to know one another on a more personal level. It has been so hard to talk to him alone, since we have class together and for some reason everyone in the class ( or maybe it is just in my head ) stares at us when we are talking. Drives me nuts. Like fuck man, just let me ask this dude for his number without your scrutiny. Hopefully I see him tomorrow when he passes by my work, that would be fantastic. I shall make my move then!

         Tonight I went to see the movie that I was SUPPOSE TO see with that girl. It was a good movie, Silent Hill: Revelations. My friends and I made a "bro sandwich". I really enjoy having most of my friends being male. It really does cut down on the drama, and it feels good that when ever they are down they come to me for advice or a shoulder to lean on. It is nice to feel needed.

Thank you, Mr. Picture.

Someday. But for now, I am going to enjoy being me and doing my own thing. I was really sad, but then I realized that I have so much to offer to someone. There is an entire world out there waiting to be explored, so much for me to learn. Time is the perfect remedy. 

So much so

I feel like that was kind of pointless... but at least I didn't back down.  I don't think I'll be asking anyone out on dates for awhile.