Appropriately named post

Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2013 is amazing for you all!

I was suppose to go to the party, but I have to work in the morning.. usually that wouldn't stop me, but coinciding with not having gas money.. my night is containing my computer and then sleep. I don't have that big of a problem with it though. I thought I would be upset, but it really is just another day. Some of my friends are complaining about being alone, and I realized that people make days like New Years and Valentine's more than they really are. They are great to share with someone, but when you are single that shouldn't cause any means for depression or heartache. The day should be just another day. I never thought I would say this, but for once... everyone else is spending too much time in their head, and I am trying to explore my world. Again, I hope you all have a great New year. :)

Jessi learns something new

I finally have all the things I need to start snowboarding. Unfortunately, I do not have the money to go to an actual mountain. For now I have been learning in my yard. I have small hill in it so it has kept me busy for the time being. I have been watching a lot of snowboarding videos on youtube and I am getting anxious about going down a real slope. I want to learn more so bad, but there is only so much I can learn in my backyard. I was trying to save and make plans to make this winter glorious.... unfortunately I didn't plan for life. Fixing my car and hours cut at work took a toll on my bank account and now I am back to being broke. I guess I will have to accommodate for next year... for now I will make do with what I have.

             

Bad choices

I know I have so much wrong with me and I need to fix it all. I just don't know where to start.
I seem to have pressed rewind on problem fixing and going back to creating the problems I started with myself when I was 18. It is like I want to completely break myself. Obviously a bit stupid sometimes.

Yule tide

                                                        Merry Christmas everyone!

Background music is a muse

Today.... it wasn't anything super special. Just a day that I worked and went to a family gathering. Nothing exciting or life altering. No epiphanies required. Just a day. I need a muse.

Taking its toll

I wanted to get this off my chest. I had little break down today. I was hanging out with my friend Kristan. We were just sitting in the car and out of no where I started thinking about how with my ex we use to act like we were 10 years old and do this weird accent and talk in it for almost an hour in the car, just fucking around having fun. I miss that a lot. I think that emotional beatings I have been taken from my recent endeavors with the girl I went on a "date" with and the guy that has most recently hurt me have taken more of a toll on me than I thought. I feel really cold and distant from the world... like I don't belong. Like no one will understand me and ever have fun with me like that again. I don't want to be with my ex ever again, so it is not that I actually miss him, the person. I miss having someone compatible that can take a break from reality and just be 10 years old again. Just for an hour, or 20 minutes. Just to have fun and not be judged or worry about the future. I feel like both of the recent people have been slowly degrading my faith in humanity.

Undeserving

"Undeserving"

What was I to you -

some kind of punching bag
the food to your attention diet
the slight grasp of control
you might have had on life?

I am not your winter -

your puppet of distraction
the one you ignore
I can't be your shadow lover
or the catalyst to your despair

What did you think would happen -

I would run open arms
give you all I had
tell you all my secrets
forget who I am?

I think you've got me all wrong -

Cast  me away all you want
speak of me in vain
and they'll call me what I am
the one you didn't deserve to have

                               -J. Lajoie

My rants are contagious

I have been nothing but nice and helpful to my son's father... and he still has to be an asshole. He went two years... two fucking years without paying me child support and always coming up with excuses to not see his son. Now, that he has a girlfriend that he wants to impress he wants to see his son. He pays me $50.00 a week.... That barely covers half of all the money I need to support my son. But I am nice and understand that everyone has to live some how, so I take whatever he can give. I was always dropping him off and picking him at up his fathers... I have lived in the same place all of my son's life. His father is the one that decided to move from 30 minutes away to 50 minutes away... That is not MY fault. So since I was sick of wasting all my money on bringing my son to his father's, I suggest evening it out. Meeting half way... even though the spot we chose is closer to him, I am just too fucking nice. Now for the past two months he has been asking me every Friday to bring him to his house because he has to work late. I usually cave and just do it... but then he has the nerve ask me to meet him the at half way spot for me to pick him up.
Excuse me? Mother fucker, I do not have expendable funds to just drive all over God's green earth for your lazy ass. He fights with me now on Sundays.. I am sick of this. There is no reason why we can't get along... it is seriously just him. He thinks I fucking owe him something... no, no sir I do not owe you shit. How about taking responsibility for your wrong doings and instead of starting shit, try to fix it.

/end rant.

My filter is non-existent sometimes

I was trying to avoid writing about this but right about now I am just fed up. Some of my good friends have entered new relationships.. with that being said I am happy for them, it just really pisses me off when they fall off the face of the earth. I hate that they disappear for the first 3 months of their new relationships. I thought my winter break from school was going to be fantastic, and now it looks like it is going to suck. I don't need friends like this... so go fuck yourself. Cause when you start having problems in your relationship, like what always happens when you have BACK TO BACK relationships... I won't be around.

        Also, on the matter of exes....  all of my exes have brutally torn me apart. Now, when I get over it and try to be friendly they ignore me. They originally want to be friends, then never talk to me. Well fuck you. I thought you guys still wanted to "be a part of my life" and "be friends".... yea, you have a really great way of showing it. I have been nothing but peaceful and respectful, and you all still continue to shit on me. 2013 is going to be one hell of a year because none of you will be apart of it. So don't expect any more texts or messages from me. A real friendship works both ways. I deserve better.

Who was I?

"Who was I?"


The fear ran me down
streaming through my veins
and I ask....

Where were you?
when I screamed your name
restless nights, sobbing
my body caving inward
convulsing without your love....

And where were you?
when I fell to my knees
I begged for you...

Pleading my devotion
filling myself with delusions
until I became numb...

Where were you?
when this pill jar became empty
my stomach full of choices gone wrong
ripped apart and useless....

That was me

Where were you?
when I lost myself
when my days became endless cycles
of eyes rewinding
trying to find the hint
of where our paths went astray...

And who was I?
without you
comrade of giants
carefree thinker
beautiful dreamer
and best of all...

immune to your absence.
                 
                             -J.Lajoie

Liar

Cherished silence

"Cherished silence"

I believe that "I love you's" are sacred,
that holding hands is a gift,
and having a heart is a burden.
Smiles are accomplishments,
tears are my feelings,
and awkward silences should be cherished.
I believe people are addictions,
and bad habits are learned with good intent.
Maybe I love you all wrong.

                                     -J. Lajoie

Unwanted wake up call

"Unwanted wake up call"

I saturate my lips
slightly caressing my tongue against them
violently the images from last night
drain into my brain
like an unwanted visitor
I want to shut down.
If emotions were a color scheme,
the rainbow in my world would be 10 fold
the clock stares at me
like the people in class who think you can't see them
I peel the blankets from my body
5:06 AM, and I have already given up the day,
I miss you.

                  -J. Lajoie

Muse of your massacre

"Muse of your massacre"

Does it make you feel good,
to pick me up?
to act like you care?
to ignore me?
and tell me, does it empower you,
to rub her in my face?
to smile so innocently?
to tear me apart?
Surely it feels incredible,
to feel wanted
to enslave me
to ensure my despair
For me it feels like hell,
to be thrown away
to be insignificant
to be a ghost,
to be your muse for punishment.
 
                -J. Lajoie

So goes the day

I haven't been to poetry club at school for at least a month because of vehicle reasons... I finally went today and I managed to write three poems in a matter of minutes. I shall be posting them shortly. Enjoy my poetry spam :)

Power rangers unite!

I was pretty bummed earlier today, but I was actually getting over it (which is fantastic). What is one shitty date, compared to the endless possibilities I can enjoy out of life?
                                        I saw her at school and she came over and said hello... I said hello back and asked how she was doing, out of pure politeness of course. I am not a very rude person, and treat everyone with respect regardless of my true feeling towards them. After that it was the sweet sound of awkward. I basically ignored her and talked with my friends... because they were pretty pissed off with her actions towards me. ( My friends are the shit and for some odd reason when people hurt my feelings they take it to heart, like their feelings were hurt.. it is quite surreal ). It makes me feel like I am headed down the right path. Breathe of fresh air. I digress, there is a guy in my chemistry class that I have also had a crush on since the beginning of the semester, I know I know I am a crush slut. So I have decided that next time I see him I will flat out ask for his number and see if he is interested in getting to know one another on a more personal level. It has been so hard to talk to him alone, since we have class together and for some reason everyone in the class ( or maybe it is just in my head ) stares at us when we are talking. Drives me nuts. Like fuck man, just let me ask this dude for his number without your scrutiny. Hopefully I see him tomorrow when he passes by my work, that would be fantastic. I shall make my move then!

         Tonight I went to see the movie that I was SUPPOSE TO see with that girl. It was a good movie, Silent Hill: Revelations. My friends and I made a "bro sandwich". I really enjoy having most of my friends being male. It really does cut down on the drama, and it feels good that when ever they are down they come to me for advice or a shoulder to lean on. It is nice to feel needed.

Thank you, Mr. Picture.

Someday. But for now, I am going to enjoy being me and doing my own thing. I was really sad, but then I realized that I have so much to offer to someone. There is an entire world out there waiting to be explored, so much for me to learn. Time is the perfect remedy. 

So much so

I feel like that was kind of pointless... but at least I didn't back down.  I don't think I'll be asking anyone out on dates for awhile.

Sometimes I be cool

So there is this girl that I have had a crush on since the first day I saw her at school. I finally gained the courage to ask her on a date. She said yes. Yet I still feel worried. I feel like she is too good for me, way above my level. I know I shouldn't downgrade myself but I can't help it. I also am afraid that she isn't over her ex... that last thing I want is to feel used to make her ex jealous. I guess we'll see how things go. It is somewhat curious how one can date a person for a year or years, then end a relationship... then move on to someone else. I feel as though I have learned a lot from my past partners about myself. There is still much more to learn. Gah, all these feels.

So much for a joy ride

"So much for a joy ride"

My tank was on empty

five miles back

rocks and bumps

twists and turns

no compass

the road signs torn down

paths that go left

bridges that stream right

no U-turns

just me

trying to eject

             -J.Lajoie

Stepping stones

"Stepping stones"



You can just stop right now
take your handsome smile
your bright eyes
your intoxicating laugh
and your rapture words
give them to someone else,
someone who will fall for your shit
you will always want more
never thinking twice
people are your stepping stones,
to get what you want
it must be lonely up there
being so holy
I would have never given you
the cruelty and pain
you bestowed onto me
                    -J.Lajoie

Some days, I break

"Some days, I break"

It is not everyday that one can smile back at the world
I am not always so strong, I am only human
I can break down
I can fall apart
I can curl my knees and cover my eyes
I can cry... oh boy can I cry
Some days I feel like I could fill rivers with my tears.
                                   -J.Lajoie

Love

Pride and Prejudice makes me cry so much. I want a love like that. So many feels.

Uncomfortable friends

"Uncomfortable friends"

I don't know where we stand
maybe somewhere between uncomfortable,
and friends
I find myself slipping up
wanting to see you
rendering myself utterly useless,
in your world
but I will never give in
you can't have me,
ever again
because I sure as hell know
I never gave you the right to hurt me

                    -J.Lajoie

Light my fire

"Light my fire"

It's the type of fire you build
that decides how bright we burn
I am smoldering coals
but the slight warmth that sheds from me
wasn't good enough
so you smothered me
I should have burned you when I had the chance.
                  -J.Lajoie

No one will know the real you

"No one will know the real you"


Suddenly your fears started to show
and for that brief moment
I knew you, better than I knew myself
then you were gone
the color of your eyes faded
your lips quivered
while I just stood there,
I wish I would have fought for you

                       -J.Lajoie

Messy minds can't find things easily

My emotions are exhausted. I just want to give up, but I know I have to keep going. I really don't know how to feel right now. My car's water pump got all fucked up, so I replaced that but then replaced the timing belt at the same time because it was starting to rip. Now that everything is all replaced, the car won't start. I feel bad for being upset because my friend came down and worked on it for free. He did the best he could, and I swear the timing belt isn't off. I was helping him every step of the way. I am not one of those people that has someone work on my car and then sits inside while they work their ass off to fix it. I like to make myself useful. I hate feeling useless, and right now there is absolutely nothing I can do. Everything is so utterly out of my power.
          I am starting to feel depressed again, but I don't want to go back to a therapist. I don't want to sit there and tell them the story of how I came to be. While they just prescribe me medicine that I know I don't need. I try really hard to have a positive outlook on life. I tell myself that I stay single because I don't have the time to give the person and it wouldn't be fair to not give 100% to them... but the sad truth is there is no one for me. I give and give and give while everyone just takes. I have nothing left to give anyone, not even time. It's a rare diamond that would be with someone as fucked up as me. I know I shouldn't continue to put myself down,  but I truly believe that if I want someone worth while... I need to be worth while. I am not.
       I am going to school for Radiology, and I don't even know if I am going to pass Biology. I am really not that intelligent, I just know enough to bullshit my way through a conversation. I lie to myself and others. I am a single mother that does everything on her own and I still don't have the balls to tell my son's father off for being a piece of shit. I am confused as to whether my heart is set for women or men. I feel like I just annoy people most of the time, so I stay quiet. I am barely talking to anyone at school lately. I try not to say something if I have nothing of substance to add to the conversation. I am trying to not have crushes on my friends, which is turning out to be more difficult than I thought. I feel weird sometimes when they treat me like a guy.... I want to be the cute girl, not just a bro. I pretend I don't give a shit a lot, but inside I freak out.
        I am falling apart, but I will never ask for help or tell anyone that I am hurt or upset. It is all on me. I need to clean up my own mess. I want to cry but I can't.

Nostalgia

I really miss you. Maybe it is that time of year where everyone misses someone. "Cuddle weather" is the worst time of year for the singletons... for me at least. I generally make it through pretty well. I get sad from time to time, but I am only human. Sometimes I wish I could hug you one last time. I'll get over it... like I usually do. It is really just the time of year, otherwise I wouldn't be thinking twice. I like to believe that around this time everyone has someone they think back on and miss, that I'm not being crazy. Perhaps one day I can stop thinking back and wishing we had resolved all out issues, not to be together but to be friends. I don't think that will ever really happen, but I can always hope. My past relationships keep my nostalgic, I really need to find better things to bide my time.

Driving drunk friends home

Damn you for cock blocking me!

Vinaigrette

I am so full of piss and vinegar it is disgusting. I need to get my shit together. I think my friends are starting to get annoyed of my shitty attitude towards life at the moment. Perhaps I have lost sight of what I am working so hard for. I just want a break and to be a fucked up teenager again and just drink away all of my feelings. That is silly though, time to grow up Jessi.

White flag

"White flag"

I want you draped in my skin
Tossing from one side of your bed to the other
I want to see your face turn from flesh to scarlet red
while I take off your clothes
I want our once innocent smiles, turned into lust
I want our emotions to spiral so out of control
one might consider sin as a rebirth
entangled with this blanket of skin
our flesh only holds us back
I want to devour you, such beauty
I want to be laying on my side staring into your eyes
planning my next attack
I want to take deep breaths to your ear
let me trace your body with my lips
I want each goose bump on your thighs
to bring out your white flags
I want to win you over, one last time
Surrender.
                        -J.Lajoie

One night stand

"I rely on myself, just making sure that was clear.

I’m not in need of your crutches, I've faced all my fears. 

And I won what I knew I could have.

Life is not a punch card, make the best of what you have.

But don’t wait, just go. 

And when you find yourself please, let me know." 

-A Day To Remember



I really like that song. Anyways... I am sexually frustrated doesn't even begin to cover my feelings right now. I really am doing well at not doing one night stands, but it is getting tougher and tougher. I am going to explode. That is all.

What do I do with all these feels?

                                                            
                                                                   "The Letter"

I take it all to heart
Don't point the finger
Choose the winner
Hold your own
It's never been arranged
Who's the liar
I'm the coward
The letter read like this...
Of all the sinners I've walked before

I can't deny
Somehow you're seeing it
So you're the one who took the fall
and it's bringing us together
Don't ask me why
Somehow I'm seeing it
and I'm breaking after all
This could last forever

The choice has always been
To take advantage
Ride it to the top
Still I'm caught again
I see this coming
See this coming true
Of all the sinners I walk before

I can't deny
Somehow you're seeing it
So you're the one who took the fall
and it's bringing us together
Don't ask me why
Somehow I'm seeing it
and I'm breaking after all
This could last forever

We'll see if I start coming clean
You'll see that I'm still missing

I can't deny
Somehow you're seeing it
So you're the one who took the fall
and it's bringing us together
Don't ask me why
Somehow I'm seeing it
I'm breaking after all
This could last forever

This isn't a real post

I feel like I am spiraling down the wrong path. I am going to put a stop to it now. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Lately I have been happy to see my friends, but mostly sad inside. I have been feeling like this broken person walking around pretending to be fine, when in reality I am anything but. I am trying to find closure in the memories that I can not fix. 

       I am trying to get over not being able to have certain people for more than just a friend. I don't want to fuck up our friendship, so they will never know. I will continue to take all my feelings for them and throw them away,  they are such a great friend... I don't want to lose something so important. Friends are more important than a relationship right now. I want to get most of my classes out of the way before getting to that bridge. I also need to spend as much time as possible with my son. Though I have been doing pretty good with balancing friend, school, homework, and Mikey time.

 AHH with the feels!

I wreck no havoc

Tonight we live

Going to a party tonight.


I haven't been to a college party since I was dating August. I apparently am going to be playing defense because Josh and Colin are gong to make it sufficiently awkward and try to get me laid. I told them I am not easily swayed. Sweet baby Jesus, give me the strength to ward off all the hotties... Fack.

I like holidays.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Apartment for rent

"Apartment for rent"

With eyes like fire and a mouth like a serpent
A smarter version of myself would stand clear

I keep giving you eviction notices
from my heart
But you just stay, rent free
You are everything I am not
And so, I envy you
Those lips speak poison
And I am kiss away from a broken pulse

              -J. Lajoie

Your fair lady

"Your fair lady"

You are the avenger of your desolate past
waiting for the dust to settle,
those once sturdy bones of yours
are brittle and they bend
is it for your own security?
I watched as the pigments on your skin changed
from a tarnished red to light pink
the scars from dragons you've slain,
and yet
no princess was saved
no victory portrayed
perhaps the demons that inhibit you
should be tamed
before tending to helpless maidens,
and by chance
ego bruising or nobility gaining
a fair lady could save you?
                       -J. Lajoie

The ex in lover

"The ex in lover"

Thinking about you makes my stomach churn,
like the morning after a desperate drinking binge.
Your laughter, that was once the chorus to my favorite song,
is now the screeching of dying birds.
I hope the legs you've spread
don't equal the amount of hearts you've tread upon.
And the lies that you speak,
are agonizingly purged from your lips.
I'd be one wealthy ex lover,
if bitterness were weighed in gold.
                    -J. Lajoie

Perks

Today I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I left the theater in awe. I just fell in love with the main character, though a part of me felt the main character was taken from a chapter of my life. That is weird, isn't it? Falling in love with fictional characters and all. I digress, my friend mentioned that I probably fall for the quiet people. This only furthers my hypothesis about me only finding people that are hard to read attractive. Fuck. It will never end. Forever a wallflower lover, indeed... and that can't be good. Looks like a nice and long single life for me! hahaha.


I don't even know anymore man... Wait, when did I get so obsessed with relationships. FACK!

     

Confess your sins

I really dislike it when I can not read someone... I have a very good judge of character ( for the most part ), so I can generally read people pretty well. But then there are those people that are like "fuck you, can't read me for shit." Bastards.



I hate that the only things that intrigue me anymore are people that are difficult to read. Why am I so persistent with people who challenge me? I make things hard on myself.... It's not even like I want these people ( sexually ) I just want to know them... with all these deductions, I have concluded that I am fucking hopeless case and need a new hobby..

A dance is broken

"A dance is broken"

This is the dance of the unwanted,
a quick curtsy and you'll have me in the palm of your hand,
please don't smile,
I might never let you go,
shit.. not again. 

           -J.Lajoie

Sorry for the poetry spam guys, I just have a lot of feelings... lol
Besides that.. I just feel full of ideas, just letting it out the best way I can.

Also, I learned another song on the guitar... HOLLA

Cupids aim is a little off today kids

“Cupid’s aim is a little off today kids”

Keep pulling my strings, I dare you.

Lie to me, lie to me… 

Promise you’ll never change, because I adore your chaos.

Who needs love when ignorance is bliss?

                                          -Jessi Lajoie

Vengeance is just an excuse

But you, you've gone too far this time

You have neither reason nor rhyme

With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine

You and me, we're broken

"You and me, we're broken"

He walked over carrying his cold shoulder
I'm well aware of your presence,
the kind that pushes people away
The kind of feelings that scream, "I won't let you in"
I avoid eye contact,
Please notice me.

I start multitasking, like I usually do
Avoiding any type of interaction,
you make me nervous
Lighting my cigarette, holding my coffee, zipping up my bag
I pull out things from my pockets,
pretending my attention is going to my phone.

I can feel your eyes on me
My cheeks start to burn
My mouth runs dry and I take a sip of my coffee,
sucking up any strength I have in my being
I look up and smile, "Hi"
Please talk to me,
I like your voice.

My Fingers start shaking,
I notice this and put my cigarette to my lips
I feel like you are reading me,
My every move is like an open book
You walk away.

I talk to friends
Avoid looking at you
The corners of my eyes start to hurt,
they ache with wanting to see you
Damn you eyes for making me weak

I give in
I look at your feet as they shuffle,
going from one foot to the other, impatient?
You laugh with friends,
I watch your smile fade
Your eyes,
your eyes seem to be filled with lessons,
each heart break and hurtle
I want to know you.

Looking at my phone, time to go
I sigh, maybe tomorrow
I'll muster up the courage,
but not today
Today I walk away with my cold shoulder,
Hiding my lesson filled eyes,
working on a less faded smile
But not today.

We mix like oil and water

I keep pretending everyone around me is in a relationship to help get me by. But then they go and fuck up my fantasy world by telling me they are single. Damn you.
        It is so much easier thinking everything you want is completely out of reach and not bothering to try anything with them, than actually realizing they might be in reach but you can never be too sure. I guess I have become a cesspool of grievance. I don't want to be hurt anymore, and it seems after all these years that is all people (exes) have done to me. I want my heart to mend. Please just stay away from me. Some of the newer people in my life are so beautiful it hurts. My entire body aches and I avoid any type of eye contact. Even looking at them is like a thousand needles piercings my eyes. Please stop being so attractive.

       Every time I write a lab report I want to stab myself in the throat. Just fyi.
                                    Sometimes I make my writing not line up at all for fun.
                 I need to buy new pants. Sweatpants everyday just isn't cutting it, and both my jobs frown upon them. Now I know I am done typing because I am rambling. Blarg.

Do whop sha waaaa

I got bored today and starting writing a story...


” My Own Type Of Sanity”
I wake up to silence and sweat dripping from my forehead. My lips are dry as I smack them together after saturating them with the saliva from my tongue. “Not again…” I say. I look at the clock, it’s 2:04 AM. My dreams have left me exhausted. I stand up and wobble for a second, my body is still not ready to handle reality. I walk to get a drink and think maybe this will help. But it is the same every night… wake up, drink water, lay back down, and then stare at the black ceiling for another hour before my body caves into exhaustion.
   I have kept to myself lately, it keeps life simple. I think maybe one day he might end up back into my life. This wasted life of mine. I turn over to my side and grab my pillow. Squeezing it tightly I sigh. This is getting old and I need something new to occupy my time. Maybe someone new…. perhaps that boy at school. “No, he’s too good looking.” Maybe that guy at work, “No.. I don’t want to mess up anything at work.” Here I am again, thinking maybe being single is the best think possible. I roll over again to my right side. I let out a groan. “I just want to sleep and stop thinking.” I stop thinking about the day and all the things I could have done differently. I close my eyes and pretend I am happy, picturing myself hiking up a hill calling back to my friends, “Hey, hurry up slow pokes. At this rate by the time I get to the top I can smoke a butt before you reach me!” I chuckled and I slowly start to fall. Darkness and weightlessness fill me and I am in sweet somber.
...to be continued..


I haven't written in a long time, it takes a lot for me to get back into writing. I guess something finally clicked in me that brought a part of myself back. Anywho... here is something fun.

You sassy young thing

Touching base to let everyone know I am still alive, for the most part. My new job is lame, but it is more money than I had before so I'll take what I can get. Lowe's is going well and I think I am really proving myself to be an asset there, which is phenomenal! It is my favorite month of all time so that means soon enough good things will be happening! Let's go through the list shall we?

• Pumpkin picking
• Hayride
• Haunted houses
• Corn mazes
• Costume shopping
• CANDY!

I really love fall! I have also decided to start embracing Winter. This year I will be snowboarding and I have a few friends that will be going with me! I'm really starting to love my life again. That's a pretty big deal.

Have you seen my sanity? I seem to have lost it.

I feel like I am constantly doing homework.... or at work...or in class. I spend what little time I do have with my son, and then go right back to homework. I knew getting a second job would be exhausting but I need the money. I can't keep living here with my parents. I haven't texted or called anyone. I haven't visited friends with the exception of today I went to the GE meeting at SNHU. I think I have another MCC meeting on Friday, I am not sure. Gah... I am just tired.

It's old but it feels new

Relearning how to read music and play guitar like it's my job.

Relish this moment

Sometimes I get into those moments where everything ( in my mind set ) sucks, and today was no different. Though I was thinking and I realized that breaking, destroying, tearing apart ( or any sense of the meaning of words ) things, people, relationships, etc... is so easy. It is incredibly simple to take something once so finely put together and break it down to pieces. Putting everything back together is what takes time. To fix a broken lamp or maybe friendship that has lost its trust... that shit takes time. Time, time, time... that is the big answer to everything. Patience plays a big part in getting your life together.

 "I don't know how I got bitter" sounds like a good phrase to say right now. I don't know if it's the ending of relationships ( friendly or romantically ) or perhaps all these bullshit classes I have to retake. Maybe living with my parents and feeling unappreciated. Then there's me never catching a break when it comes to vehicles or bills. But either one of them or cumulatively, I just want it to stop. I want a life I can be proud of. Yes, I am going to school to work toward a better future but right now I feel alone. Obviously with that statement I couldn't be or am not ready to be in a relationship, but I really want to feel that my life is going somewhere. Right now I know I am doing something.. but it doesn't feel like it is going somewhere. I need that sign of momentum to prove that what I am doing is right. I require proof. I am just frustrated.

my sentiments

So this bitch.

Catchy title I think.

School is going well, so far it is excruciatingly easy.... I am thinking by midterm it'll start to get hard, but you never know. I could be getting too cocky about it. I am meeting lots of new people and so far they seem really nice. There is a LGBTQ group on campus that just happens to meet during a time I am not in class, so score! I am also going to the Generation Equality meetings at SNHU. At first I was reluctant to go, but they say they want me there so give the people what they want! I am also getting a job on campus because I can't get enough hours at Lowe's. My life is going to be spent in Concord and Manchester basically.

I am excited to go apple picking with Mikey! I saw these really cute caramel and chocolate apples on pinterest the other day, so hopefully we can do that was well. Unless he decides after 5 minutes of making an apple he doesn't want to anymore... then it turns into a mommy project lol. The hayrides should be fun this year as well. I've already decided with a few friends that we are most definitely going to Nightmare New England! FUCK YES! That reminds me, I am going with Jen to see the Possession! So ecstatic! I miss going to the theaters to see horror films and going on thrill rides! I am glad to have Jen in my life, she understands my sick and twisted need for gore and to be scared shitless. Ahh yes, to be me. That is scary in itself.

My ex is getting a new job, so Mikey will not be going there every Friday. So Mikey won't need his babysitter anymore. Which sucks because I love Yevette and Mikey does too. I don't want to hear him complain every Friday that he wants to see Yvette and not his dad. I don't get why he hates going there... but we shall see.

Pushing through

I can't watch movies or hear music about little kids being hurt or dying. It tears me up inside and think what if it was my son. Then I freak out inside and start crying like a baby because I love my son so much and I would do anything to protect him no matter what. He is my everything. I want him to have the best life possible. I am trying so hard to make a good life for him but I feel like I keep failing. 

I want him to have his own room. The little jealousy inside of me gets me every time when I think about how my ex has an apartment with his girlfriend and my son had his own room there. I know that in the long run going to college will pay off, but right now is creating this brutal battle inside of me. I know my being single is something that can't be help and there no need to rush a relationship... I just wish I had my own place. It sucks when my parents don't listen to the rules I have set for Mikey. I want them to respect my parenting skills, but I also want them to know that I will respect that they are grandparents and have a natural need to want to spoil their grandchild. Unfortunately we happen to live here. 

I don't want my son to be made fun of for being poor like I was, but I feel like there is nothing I can do anymore besides just keep up with school and work as much as I can.

This is me, above that level

People can be really cruel. I can't believe someone would actually be happy when a person is in pain.... that is fucked up. Also, I am sick of all the anonymous questions on Tumblr suggesting that I am some kind of "cunt" or that I am actually glad that my ex got dumped. Fuck that. Those people need some serious therapy. I am better than that. I don't believe it makes me a cunt when I did anything and everything to make that man happy. Far be it for me to break down every once in awhile when I realize that all that I had is lost and I will never get what we had back. A big serious fuck you. He always told me to write what I felt, and that he was glad when I wrote my feelings. Now I am getting bitch slapped for doing so? People need to mind their own business... don't read my posts if you don't like me... easy. Also, I truly cared and still care for my ex. I would like to be there for him, but I don't think either of us are ready to talk yet. When he is ready, he will come to me. Otherwise, I wish him the best and I am sorry for his heartbreak.


In other news: school is going well, and I spend way too much of my time at SNHU. I am making more friends there... I need to make friends at my school damn it! I suck. Here is an awesome gif just for you guys! <3

Fact.

The post below is not about your break up. That post is about the shit storm from all the anons and about myself. I found out about your break up later. Please believe that I would never be that cruel. When I found out I felt bad and was worried about you. But you probably won't believe me... just don't take out your hate for me on your friend. Just hate me. Okay?

Le stupid fuck

...and let the karma shit storm commence.

The better to see you with, darling

ermahgerd

It is so lonely at NHTI. I wish I was at SNHU. All or most of my friends go to SNHU. I try to talk to people in my classes but they just aren't talkative... I miss my friends at MCC too. Maybe it's just my nerves. I found myself wanting to start smoking just to talk to the smokers on campus like old time. Being a smoker makes it easy to talk to people.... but that isn't a good reason to start smoking.  Just wish new thing were easier.

Heart means everything

It feels great knowing that I have good friends that care about me. I'd fall apart if I didn't have them being the glue that holds me together. Today was amazing. Even being in my new school, making friends right away. I hope tomorrow goes well. Three classes in a row... ten minutes apart. I hope I can run with all my books LOL! We shall see. Today I am smiling because I am starting to love my life. Today I realized I am so much better off without either one of the douche bags in my life.
"I don't wanna take your precious time,
'Cause you're such a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty face,
But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time"

Stahp it rahn

You are not the gentleman, you are the liar. Stop spouting this fucking verse like it represents you. Let us take a moment to think about how using someone for rides when they are your girlfriend while planning to break up with them is not gentleman like at all. Nor is lying for months about loving them. That shit was weak man.

Do you even remember half the fucked up shit you said about her? Because roses and rainbows were not used in the same sentences that her name was in. Funny how you talked so much shit about me, her, and your other exes…. but you can’t just own up to to the truth.

I am so fucking ripe with shit to say.

Rethink

Sometimes I don't know if I am happy or sad. I miss talking to my ex, like the friendship that existed in our relationship. But I am glad to not be in that relationship anymore. It's a bittersweet feeling I believe.

This new store might not be so bad after all. It's been going pretty well, and I have been getting a long well with my coworkers. We already have inside jokes, woot! School is so close... oh man, I'm so nervous. I still never looked to find my classes. Perhaps I'll do that after work tomorrow. Or come home and work on my muffler. I finally got the new part I need. Hopefully I can do this on my own.

In any case. This is the beginning of something good. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and I have finally spotted it. Let's do this.

Building blocks

Mikey's dentist appointment is today. I'm glad he takes after me and loves going to the doctors or dentist. So far he has been cavity free every time, hopefully this time he will be as well.

After the dentist I am bringing him to his babysitter's house because they asked if they could bring him to the fair with them. They know I don't have money and live pay check to pay check, so to be nice they offer to do fun things that cost money with him. It's really nice of them. I just wish I could bring him to the fair. I haven't been to the fair in years because I am usually broke or have to work. I hope he has fun though, he really is an amazing kid. I got so lucky, so blessed with him. Hopefully I'll be able to take him apple and pumpkin picking this year. I get even less hours at work than I used to.... so I don't know how this is going to go. Since my muffler fell off of my car and I don't have the $600.00 to fix it.

I am really sick of being broke all the time. My friends are great, and they offer to buy food and things... and I just feel like nothing I do will ever be enough. I just want my son to have a good life. Thankfully there are Good Wills around so I can actually buy him new shoes. Even though they are used, he is at the age where he goes through shoes so fast I just couldn't afford to buy him new shoes every month for $35.00 a pair. As much as I know going to school will be worth it in the long run, it is taking a toll on my finances. I feel like I am never going to move out of my parents house, never going to own a decent car, and never going to be free of this financial debt that keeps building. Blarg.

Reluctant

Being in a relationship makes me feel restrained and being single is lonely. I make the worst mistakes when I am single and become a cave dweller when I am in a relationship. Why can't I learn mix these two personalities?
I just want to be happy either way. I don't want to be a slave to love, and I don't want to act like I'm 15 every time I become single. Fack.

Notice me

Eye of the storm

Some days are harder than others. Like when it is hard to get out of bed... I just get so sad. Today was a hard day. It's usually when Mikey isn't here. Mikey keeps me going, I love that boy so much.

My friends have really been amazing at being there for me when I need them. I don't even know how I got so blessed to find people like this. I'm glad they are there for my bad and good days or I would be an utter mess. Not that I haven't shown messy characteristics lately.... that is beyond my control.

School will be starting in a week. I have all this week to fuck around and be lazy... and then the fun begins.
I really need September to treat me well...please.

Today is yesterday, tomorrow.

I am really over my ex. I've actually been over him for a little while now. I made sure I didn't start really looking for someone until I had moved on. I pride myself in my ability to know when I am and am not ready for a relationship. I don't lead people on and I don't pretend to care. I think I am a good person and perhaps one day I will make someone very happy and they will make me happy. Until then I am going to take my time... slowly dipping my feet into this vast ocean of people. It can be scary at times, wondering if you'll sink down to the bottom and be attacked by sharks. Or perhaps I will float and meet a few nice people. One things for sure, I am not going to be meeting anyone worth while near this shoreline. School starts on September 4th. I hope I do well in my classes. Perhaps starting out the new school year single is a good idea, nothing can hold me back but myself. I've got nothing to hold onto, new work and new school... everything is so different. My life has done a complete flip from what it was just a month ago. Fascinating, isn't it? How fast things can change, how scenery can play a big part in how fast you change... or what changes inside of you.

My phone is blowing up.

Dah fauq?

Seriously... fucking seriously... I think I have had enough rejection for the Summer.
Why the fuck would you go out of your way to find me and get to know me when you were still hung up on your ex? I really don't understand people. I am done with people for awhile.

uh-huh.

So much for that..... Guess I should just say fuck it.

Let there be hope

Second day of work...
Perhaps these changes are making me stronger. I really didn't mind today. Yesterday was good and today was better. I suppose it'll just get better but we shall see.

In other news: I saw her last night. My friends Amelia and Dannah came with me to eat dinner at the place she works. She was so cute. I couldn't help but notice her beautiful blue eyes, and how she couldn't quite look me in the eye. A little red in the face myself, I still managed to keep calm. I felt as though my heart and stomach were melting into one huge butterflying that was having a panic attack inside of me. I so much wanted to just sit and talk with her, but she was of course working. It was cute how she purposely took her sweet ass time getting our checks.. procrastinating so we wouldn't leave. I am so shy sometimes, but I know how to be some what charming when the time calls for it. Unfortunately my friends were pretty much making fun of me the entire time, bullocks. Never the less, I wrote her yet another note on the back of my receipt. I mentioned that perhaps this time she shouldn't lose the note. Got home at 11:30 PM, continued to text her until midnight I believe... then past out at 1 AM to wake up at 3:30 AM for work. Probably got about two and a half hours of sleep... but it was worth it.

I am excited for school. Even though my first semester is all repeat classes, I am eager to see what new things I can learn. Every professor has different knowledge and has something they can teach you that the other couldn't. I hope I enjoy my psychology professor... it would be a shame to ruin my favorite subject.

Surreal

I crave the familiar. My mind is bouncing all over the place with all this new things. Too many stimuli I suppose. Today was my first day at my new job, and for a little bit there I wanted to run back to my old job in Nashua. I missed my friends there and my old paper work. They do things so differently here that I just wanted to run and hide. I knew I couldn't though, perhaps with her texting me most of the day gave me hope that this change is good. I think at one moment I even missed August.... but I believe it was more of the need for familiarity than actually missing him.
After about 9am I started to get more comfortable and realized that the people at this store were incredibly nice. I found that there were a bunch of people there from my old Manchester store, and my LP manager who was also my buddy in Nashua was there as well. I'm so glad I didn't give up... perhaps she helped in some way. Keeping me focused.. she didn't even have to try, she was just texting me and it made me feel like everything was going to be okay and that I have nothing to worry about. I barely know her, but I hope I see her again soon. Even if nothing romantic comes of it... I really would like to have her in my life. She is one of the most fascinating people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.

I digress

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.”

—	Robert Brault

Set yourself free

Getting upset with exes and forcing yourself to move on is exhausting. Take your time; your heart, mind, and soul need that time to heal. We can get angry sometimes, bitter is a word I have been frequenting, and sad. But we need to learn to love ourselves before we can love another. Hearts don’t break even…as the song goes. The unscathed one is going to be happy while you feel like you are wasting away. But take the good parts with you, the important parts, and throw the rest of the memories away. No need to carry all that baggage around. You need this time to find yourself. So go do it, try something new. Meet some new friends and stop being so shy. You need this. You need to have your friends help with the healing process.

You are so much better off with one less and selfish undeserving of you person in your life. Embrace it, it will set you free.

Also, Mumford & Sons is good to listen  to. 

Webs

I feel like I am making this gigantic mess that I am not going to be able to clean up. All these people I feel like I am just fucking with because of my own sick need for affection. Why am I doing this? I need to be single for awhile because I can't feel anything. I feel nothing for anyone. They are all just people that happen to be attractive and lonely... and then I come along on my horse acting like I am so charming and witty.... What the fuck is wrong with me? I need to stop being so angry. I am so bitter and angry. I just want to be loved I guess, and that is what any human strives for I would assume. But not like this... not this way. Karma never hits my exes, but for some reason the karma that should hit them hits me.

I need to be honest, but I don't want to open myself up to another person again. Everyone leaves. Everyone hurts you. There are no exceptions.

Tattoo psychic

Today I went with my friend for her to get a tattoo. She got this amazing tree stencil like tattoo. Today I thought was going to be another ordinary day, with the exception of just hanging out at a tattoo parlor for the majority of the day.... so I thought.

Apparently this tattoo artist was also a psychic. Like holy fuck. Nothing makes me more nervous than a psychic medium because they can know everything about you as soon as you walk in the door. I have so much inside of me... I don't want anyone to know. He was really nice though, and didn't disclose in front of my friend anything really personal. I sometimes become skeptic, I mean... he was a tattoo artist, not many people would think he was legit. Then he started telling me things... then I knew, I knew he couldn't be making this shit up.

He told me about how August was basically with me because I was convenient for the time being. I was just filling a void in his life, an absence of a sibling he noted. He also mentioned that I should stay clear of a red Volkswagen and that it was bad news. Now I am freaking out and looking everywhere I drive to avoid this fucking vehicle that is suppose to be really bad for me to come by. He said that I was in the next three days going to receive money for school.... I don't know how I feel about that one. He brought up that it was my grandmother from my mother's side of the family that was letting me know I am on the right path. Like... she knew I needed guidance. Which I do! He mentioned how I need to and am going to get a certification. I couldn't believe it! Like... he had no idea I was going to school for radiology when he mentioned this... he just knew I was in school. Blew my mind.
Then he brought up a ring, and how I was wrapping a ribbon around it and tossing it into a coffin. He then went on to say that I needed to take the ring that August gave me and bind it (with the ribbon) so I could get rid of the pain he has caused me. After that I will be set free from the emotions I have for him. He also said that August didn't cheat on me... but if given the chance he would have and said thankfully he wasn't given a real chance to. It made me sad to hear that but realize that I'm so glad the relationship is over with. I don't know what I would do with myself if another guy cheated on me. He then went on to say that I will meet someone new... a "CH" name. Mentioned "Chad" or "Charlie" and that I do not know this person but he will be the new guy in my life in the next three months. He said also that because of me working hard to be the mother and father of my son, that the current male friends in my life will step up and become the male roll models that Mikey needs.
At one point he scared the shit out of me... he brought up how he knows I really want to cut....so badly, but I know I can't. He knew I was really strong and would pull out of this but also knew I was struggling with wanting to cut myself.  In that moment I was so shocked. He knew all the pain I was going through, and how I needed to be strong for Mikey.

All that from going to a support a friend getting a tattoo. Holy fuck.

The harsh reality

Everyone says things like, “one day they will regret losing you.” What if they don’t?

In reality that doesn’t really happen. Perhaps for a split second they see something that has reminded them of you, and then boom back to normal… not even a flinch. When people leave you, they will get over you faster. They fell out of love first, they had a jump start on the moving on process. So I really don’t want to hear anymore bullshit about how people will regret losing you and how they will really miss you soon. No. No they will not. They will go on about their lives just as they would have if they had never met you. Yes I sound like I am bitter, but it’s a harsh reality. The sooner people realize that, they better off you are. The faster you stop the pain of holding on you will move on and eventually be happy.

Sincerely,

Telling me things that aren't true just keep me holding on

Images

Pay no mind to the broken

I feel like the last year of my life has been a dream. I think back to the beginning... just hanging out at my ex's dorm. Talking. I miss talking. I miss communicating on that level with people. Not having a care in the world about anything else except for that moment of expressing yourself to someone, and they listen. Or you listening and learning new things about someone. The way you stare at them when they are talking, like you are trying to understand and learn every shadow and curve of their face. It's probably really weird that I noticed that stuff. I'm going to turn the creep factor down a notch, but I just wonder what happens... Where is the line you cross when you go from getting to know someone, to feeling like you know everything about them, to not knowing anything about them anymore? It's crazy how the things you used to find adorable about a person, can at some point drive you completely mad. I am rambling....

I'm starting to feel like I am not meant for relationships, some people are just better off alone. I can't do this to myself or Mikey. It's not fair to him to bring people into his life that are just going to leave. His father is in and out all the time.... he needs a constant. I need someone who wants to be there.


I think it's sad that my pain doesn't even faze him. I know I sound cliche', but I really feel like I am thrown away. I am slowly erasing my memories of him. Reminders are so painful, not because he isn't here but because I am nothing to him anymore. I don't even know what I did to deserve this? What did I do to be completely push out of his life? We weren't even broken up for an entire month and he's already wrapped around her finger. You think you know people, but then I realize... I don't know August. I knew of Branch. The gentleman. The guy that would have never done what he had done to me. The person I fell in love with is gone, he doesn't exist anymore. Sometimes it feels like I lost him long before we broke up, and I knew it... but I just wanted him... for a little longer. I wanted to hold on for dear life to that guy I once called the love of my life. I was so nieve, I should have just let go but I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't ready to lose him forever. I wasn't ready to move on, because it wasn't over for me. I still had the butterflies, and his were dead.

It took every ounce of my being to unfriend him on facebook. But I couldn't continue to have his new life rubbed in my face. I'm glad he is happy and I want him to be. I just can not forgive him. Never in a million years did I think he, of all people, would have hurt me this much. He knew my past, and he disregarded it. You figure with all the awful feelings I have right now that I would never want to see him again. I would have never bestowed this kind of treatment upon him if the tables were turned. I deserve better.

I am moving on. And once in awhile he might think back and remember me, and perhaps he'll actually miss me. But that is neither here nor there.
 I can't keep this pain anymore, you can have it back.