The color of the day is empty

Chills

"Chills"

"One look at your lips and you create bumps on my skin so grand, the Himalayas would be jealous"
-J.Lajoie

13 Ways of Looking At Hands

"13 ways of looking at hands"

Cuticles stretching farther than I'd like
Nails bitten down to raw, red and puffy
Gloves that fit and rings that shine
Knuckles pressing through pale skin with falsehood, never breaking through
Smooth touch grabbing for affection
Clapping, snapping, rubbing warmth
Tear removers of the 21st century
Hair pulling, taming, braiding
Utensils that are rarely noticed
Tense cheek's sting with hand print embedded
Covers, eye blankets, mouth guard, ear shield
Intense though, temple buffers
Lovers, heart beats pounding, hands pressed against glass
                    -J.Lajoie

Building Blocks

"Building blocks"

Everyday I am reminded
that I made something so beautiful
you make me feel like the first snow fall
everything that was dead, covered in a blanket of new hope
Your eyes, like smaller versions of almonds
dark like your fathers, but bright, so very bright
sometimes your smile is so full of light
it hurts me, like tears of joy
I want to shout from the depths of my lungs
I MADE THIS! THIS! RIGHT HERE!
I added the best amount of right I could have ever thought possible
and sometimes, you are a mixture of rude, anxious, and spoiled
but that's okay, that's what I am here for
to teach you
To mold and shape that magnificent mind,
in hopes that one day, you too
will make something as wonderful
smart
handsome
intelligent
as I have.
           -J.Lajoie

Girl-friend-zoned

"Girl-friend-zoned"

My guy friends say
they are always "friend-zoned"
or terrible cliche's
about how nice guys finish last

oh how oppressing it must feel
to be a "nice" guy
while I am here
cleaning up the wreckage
on your shores

my male friends complain
about helping girls
Holding open doors for Girls
Lending Their Jackets To Girls
BEING ANNOYED WITH....GIRLS

and then there is me
to my displeasure
listening to every. single. word. you say
knowing precisely what it takes
to make you laugh

how dismal it must be
to have such a great friend
that is a Lady

I'm starting to think
you are destitute of vision
or perhaps I am only visible when needed
because I have always been
standing right in front of you

I regard you
as if you hang the moon
every. single. night
but fuck your lunar cycle
and your compliance with these...GIRLS

I am withdrawing from your
gravitational friend-sphere
and starting my own zone
where friends can open doors for me
where I can say thank you
and expect nothing more
than just being a "nice"....girl
                        -J.Lajoie

Mid-day graveyard walks

"Mid-day graveyard walks"

Leaves fall like lovers in a battle long past
Sunlight melts in just the right places
Showing names I have never come to know.

Step lightly, calmly, gracefully.

Birds of blue, red, and black come,
and go as birds please
But not you,
you're here for the long run.

A slight breeze and I feel alive,
which is a little ironic, being here.

Rusty sounds from rusty fences
Leaves crunching under my sneakers
Every breath feel like an insult.
                     -J.Lajoie

Surprise me September

School starts in 2 days, I am already exhausted just thinking about it. I have spent these last two weeks seeing friends and family... People have been getting in touch with me to hang out before I go back to school and have no life again. Which is great and all, but getting up at 3:30 AM everyday and then going to see friends or family, then doing things with my son, I am exhausted. I still have a cook out to attend tomorrow, and now I found out I have to work as well. I guess the person they hired to do the full time position at my work quit, so now I am working most, if not all, the shifts until further notice. Welp, at least I will get a good couple of pay checks.

My cousin got married yesterday and I had the pleasure of witnessing it. Weddings are so beautiful, and she was a very beautiful bride.  Ah, September, be good to me, please?

Just some advice

"You shouldn't go around fixing people and give up pieces of yourself to make someone else whole

 You can’t be a proper friend to someone, be there to support them, be anything, if you don’t care for yourself first. I speak from experience with this, and it’s a lesson that I have learned the hard way. 

There is nothing noble about thoughtless self-sacrifice.

There is nothing wrong with putting your own needs first, and making sure that you’re okay before you offer anything of yourself.

Giving and giving of yourself only hurts you, and the damage can take a very, very long time to start trying to repair. "

This is actually a mixture of things I have found online from not just one particular author, but I found them all relevant. 

Wandering

"Wandering"

Wandering eyes keep me
I can't be the sort of prisoner you call home
but wandering souls, they have me.

"You're so hardcore" I said
Your face turned from flesh to hot coals
Pushing my shoulder with your clumsy hand

I believe you loved me that day
Between the days that lasted of rain
and the coldest of winter nights

I think I loved you too
But those wandering, a grip held
I didn't want to give up my "freedom"

"You're so hardcore" I said
A tear streamed down your cheek
I believe that was the day you realized

I was no longer an anchor
'nor your sea
but the ship that wandered from your heart

                                    -J.Lajoie

Sometimes I get like this

Another whiney-ass post, just for you.

I try to stay positive about everything... money, friends, work, love...
But then I have nights like these where I just get down. More and more of my friends and family are getting into relationships or getting married and here I am typing this post, alone. The upside is that I get to focus my time on me, but damn it I am sick of me. Doesn't everyone? You work on yourself for so long, and I realize there is always room for improvement, but sometimes you really need to start seeing results.. because after awhile you just want to give up. I work my ass off to provide for my son, educate myself, and be healthy... I just feel like I have nothing to show for it thus far.
I'll be over this mood in the morning, I tell myself this every time I get into a sad mood... and I always wake up feeling better, which is good. So I don't worry too much. It is just so hard to believe I am meant for more when I don't see at least some kind of microscopic result. Perhaps it is my character that has changed that I should be happy about.... but that comes with aging and experiences, and there are people much younger than me that have everything that I want. Damn it. We can't chalk all this love shit up to experience, that is a lie that I like to tell myself. Something to sooth the ache of why I work so hard to be a better person.

What else is there left to say?

A little bit of Jessica in your life

Now that I have a month free of no classes, I might actually keep up with posting more. But then again, I could get lazy and not do anything. Welp, guess you'll have to stayed tuned and see....

Things I am excited for:

• Autumn
• School
• Apple picking
• Fairs
• Not sweating me ass off
• Making new friends
• Pumpkin spice coffee
• Hay rides
• Halloween
• Making caramel apples
• Annoying my son
  
  

That is all I got in my head today, cheers!

My new favorite poet

“What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.

It was like being exhumed, I answered, and brought to life in a flash of brilliance.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.

It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow. There was a long pause before I responded:

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once.”
         -Lang Leav

My newest addition

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you: Neptune

Agree to disagree

ermahgerd

I haven't posted in awhile.


Cheers!

Well then, that did nothing.

Some days I feel like an idiot and I will never learn from my mistakes, others I feel like a genius.

Today was a mixture of the former and the latter.

The future makes me anxious.

Hiding out is way more fun

My entire life is that awkward stage where you are attracted to anything that is a douche bag.

I had entered myself back into the dating scene, and am now going back into hiding. Damn it, people are too much work. Friends are much easier. The|End.

Rhetorical

"Rhetorical"

Romance and its subtlety was never something I understood,
as if I was born missing the gene to understand love
I pick up hints here and there
but the big picture is lost on me.
What is the exact difference between love
and caring deeply for someone?
Are the people we care about the ones we actually love?
Or the ones we think we love
just an idea of what we think love is
If the former is the case,
and we trust our friends with our lives
then why are we setting ourselves up for failure?
And out of all the things for me to love,
why is loving you the hardest?
                     -J.Lajoie

"Try to pretend that I never even knew your name
'cause everything you are disgusts me
Too bad I can't turn back time
So I wouldn't be here
what I'd give for you to disappear
so tell me girly how's your edge?

You've got nothing better to do
I know why you can't see straight
I thought you were better than this,  but you're just like everyone else"

Pseudo understanding

"Pseudo understanding"

You once told me you loved me
and all that mattered in the world was us
but it didn't quite sit right with me
I loved you too
and the more I loved you
the more I cared about everything
if only just fragments of myself
enjoyed each day to their fullest.
You once told me you didn't love me
and that you wanted to care more about the world
but I still loved you
if only by some pseudo understanding
your care for the world generated my pain
and all the days that followed
I hated progressively more.
You once told her she was the love of your life
and she was all that mattered in the world
yet I still love you
and nothing matters anymore
                    -J.Lajoie

Read you

"Read You"

I pretend you are my favorite poem
everyday I read you a hundred times over
smiling,
questioning,
sobbing,
your word play wraps around
drenching me in your expressions
and I won't lie,
I'll still read you everyday
until I can read between your lines
and understand your every quip
because I find it hard to imagine
getting bored of someone like you,
losing someone like you,
hurting someone like you,
and when I can distinguish
between each and every rhyme
I'm going to linger,
over the greatest piece of art,
I have ever had the pleasure reading.
                      -J.Lajoie

Picture post

My friend did my hair and make-up last week and I forgot to post pictures on here. Basically, I used to do my hair in the pinup style a lot, but then I got lazy. Seeing myself all done up again makes me want to do my make-up like this all the time again. But, I am still pretty lazy. Anyways, this post is dedicated to pictures and what not.

These are my tattoos, hopefully I can start affording to finish up my left arm, for I am going to do a full sleeve of the planets and solar system things.

Wouldn't it be nice...

...if relationships or cuddle partners could all just be found by filling out applications. haha

C'est la vie

I have calmed down a lot since yesterday, thankfully. Thanks to a few friends that talked me down. Generally I don't like to bitch about my life to friends, thus why I come on here and grace you readers with my bitching. You're welcome, lol!  Anyways, just wanted to update and let everyone know I wasn't still pissed and what not.

Oh yea, and Spanish class is pretty awesome, my professor is ridiculously funny and nice. Though my medical terminology class is starting to annoy me. Oh well, I must press on!
 Hasta luego, mi amigos.

A measly $50...jeez

20 minutes ago I wanted to stab anyone who talked to me in the face. With that being said, I have become calm, cool, and collected.... for the most part. I am still going to have a bitch fest.


My son's father seems to think I need to bow down before him, for he is male and the giver of the miraculous sperm that invaded the egg inside my vagina one fateful night, then boom, war commenced inside of my womb. Colorful entrance, oh, I know.

Basically, this mother fuck didn't pay me child support for almost over a year and for several months I had to make him see our son. Which involved me taking my time and money to drive our son to his house and then pick him up.... I don't think I could put enough periods there to emphasize my annoyance. Any who, now that he is with this new girlfriend (who actually isn't new, they have been dating for a year), he actually sees his son, meets me sort of halfway (I drive 30 minutes, he drives 15) I digress... and he pays some sort of child  support (according to the state of NH, I am suppose to receive 1/4 of his paycheck for child support, he makes $12 an hour, and I receive $50 a week...when really I should be receiving over $100 per week!) I leave it alone because everyone needs to live, right?

I understand that money is tight, apartments are not cheap... exactly, cause I live with my fucking parents, go to school full time, have a job, and during my spring and fall semesters I hold two fucking jobs, believe me.. I know it is rough. Well, sometimes I let my son's father have my son for an entire week, this has happened twice. The first time, we had no problems, he paid me child support and it was over with. Well, he kept him for a week the second time, and boom, he "doesn't think it is fair" to pay me child support for a week that he had him. (MOTHER FUCKER! ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?)

I am asking for the measly fifty-fuckin-dollars you owe me, just because you take him for a week doesn't mean you don't pay. I have to buy food, clothes, pay for daycare.. etc.  And he thinks that he knows that "it doesn't cost that much to take care of our son". Really... he said that. I think it is about that time I go to court, or figure out something.. because I am sick of this shit. Why does everyone want to walk all over me? I have been nothing but nice to every human/creature that crosses my path... and I get this shit?

I am still going to continue to be the nice/decent person that I am, but I am not going to allow people to walk all over me anymore.

/rant. 

Get with the program

I seem to be in one of those existential moods. Those days when you are just generally in a bad mood. I have been avoiding talking much to people today because of it. Far be it for me to bring someone else's mood down, so I avoid being a bitch to people. I wasn't going to write a post, but then I was like, meh, fuck it; alas, here we are.

I've been enjoying this single time I have. It is when I do my best work, I realize more about myself, and have a great time with my friends (not that I don't always have a great time with my friends, but I spend more time with them being single). But most of my friends are in new blooming relationships now, and I am just like....

I do get out and about, I am great with meeting new people, and I am always being told that I have this glow/charm about me. So, like a idiot I believe my friends. But enough is enough, when am I going to meet my prince fucking charming? I just think it is about time I find someone, but c'est la vie.

 Anyways, the point of my dreary mood: I am sitting here, all in my head, thinking... what is the point of life if you don't do things you enjoy, have a job you enjoy (to an extent, no one really likes working), and people to share your life with? Is this really it for me? Will I graduate from college, get the job I've been working so hard these past few years to get, and buy a house? Really, is that it? I just live happily ever after with just my son? I mean, I would say friends too, but knowing me, most of my friends will be wed off by then (joking, that is a little too far). Don't get me wrong, I am happy to strive and provide the best care and life I can for my son... thus the entire point of going to school. But.. I don't want to become some cat lady. I mean, I might even want more kids one day.

I am sure that I am a mess right now for nothing and I'll most likely get over it in the morning, but today/tonight, it truly is bothering me. I want a strong, mad, passionate love. I want something that I can tell my son stories about when he finds himself falling in love with a girl. I want that. I want that true love, the love that you can't stand that thought of being apart. I want to share passions with someone, and do adorable things that make people want to puke in their mouths a little. I want to go on cute little trips with someone to things like the Boston Aquarium, up north to see the foliage, carve pumpkins together, cook dinner together, go on long car rides just for the fun of it, or just sit at home and watch a movie together. There is obviously a substantial amount more that I am leaving out, but I will spare you the dry heaving. And there is a great deal more to a relationship than just these little things, none the less, I want it. I want to know there is more to life than what I am doing now.

The offspring survived another year

My son is turning five on June 1rst! It is bitter sweet because I am so happy that he is growing and learning, but sad that my little baby is not going to be my little baby forever. One day he is going to go to college, get married, and have kids of his own. I just hope those parts don't come as fast as the last five years have passed. It has been an amazing five years of being his mother and I wouldn't change anything. Love you little man. <3 

Como se dice "I suck" en Espanol?

First Spanish class down and I am so worried. The professor goes so fast it was hard to keep up. I just hope that I can do it. I really want to learn. I suppose this could be my most challenging quest yet? 

It's elementary my dear

On a spontaneous whim I decided to take summer classes, which means I will be in Spanish III in the Spring.  I know it doesn't sounds too exciting, but I am so beside myself! I also am pretty sure I can not wait for this summer to be over. I hate winter, but love Fall too much.

In other news, I saw an old friend a few days ago and he mentioned something that bothered me. See, we were talking about how things were going and what not, and I had mentioned that a bunch of my friends got into new relationships so I wasn't expecting to see them for at least three months because of the whole "honeymoon faze" that couples go through. So far every one of my friends I have ever had has done this, so I expect nothing less from future friends. I digress, he then went on to say, "So how about you? Are you seeing someone, I mean, since I haven't seen you in ages...." And I was just like, well shit... No, I have been single for the past ten months. I went on with, "I just tend to enjoy my alone time, you know how I am.. I am all around New Hampshire one minute, and then I fall off the face of the Earth the next." We just kind of smiled and changed the subject. Well, now that I have rambled on, the whole point to my agitation was that I feel like a pretty shitty friend. All this time I thought my friends just kind of went on with their lives and left me to find new friends... when really, I disappear. I mean, with the exception of friends who get into new relationships, I tend to be the one who just gets into new hobbies or school things which in turn I start getting to know more people and basically stop keeping in touch with my older friends. I don't do this on purpose, but it is just how I operate I suppose. I get tired of the same shit, and move on. I like change. But, I am going to try an hold on to the people I have now. The friends I have accumulated while attending NHTI are the most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life. They are always there for me, and never let me down. I am going to try hard to not let them down either.... and now I will stop being all lovey and gooey.

Truth be told, I have learned more about myself in the past ten months, than I have learned in the past twenty-six years. I feel as though it is an appropriate observation or hypothesis to say that being single has helped me a lot. I have grown so much as an individual, and becoming more the person I've always wanted to be. Someone I like and can be proud of.

I really enjoy watching The New Girl

Working on a better me

I have decided to start learning Spanish. My college offers up to Spanish III, which should be pretty cool. I wish they offered Latin classes, but what good will Latin do me.. I guess? At least learning one new language will open doors for me and it will be fantastic for getting work when I am finished school. I must keep looking towards the future, because living in the now isn't particularly getting me anywhere. I need to stay focused.
I need to be a better me, the best me I can be. Maybe that's what happens.. maybe that is when we find our soul mate? Searching for them does me no good, so I've devised a plan to stop looking and start working on having a good life and enjoying it as it is. And then perhaps one day I will be lucky enough for that one person to grace me with their presence, and I them.
 Tú eres mi tormenta

When words fall short

"When words fall short"

There aren't enough feelings with names,
this is where words fall short.
When a storm is brewing and the air smells like rain
I get this mixture of excitement
nervousness, and fear
There is no one word to describe this concoction.
My face brightens with my least strangled smile
when I hear your voice.
No one else can make me laugh as effortless.
You are my rain storm,
brewing in my stomach filled with butterflies tied in knots,
and I am not quite sure how.
Could I ever possibly explain to you,
just how excited,
how nervous,
how fearful,
you make me?
                    -J.Lajoie

That is all

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ＤＡＭＮ ＴＨＩＳ ＣＯＭＭＥＮＴ ＩＳ ＦＡＮＣY
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

That moment I became a douche

My brain is going a million miles per hour. With out school work, my second job, and my friends at school.. I am a legitimate wreck. On the bright side I have be going to the gym Mon through Fri. Taking weekends off for work and what not.

Today I felt like an asshole. I am single, and have a child, which you should know by now if you have actually read what I write. ( These are the two things I tend to talk about the most lol.) I digress, my son's father's girlfriend (whom I actually really like, she is like the best girlfriend he has ever had, go baby daddy!), posted a picture of a bouquet of flowers and a gift that he (my ex) had given her. Mind you, I was not upset because he got her something and not me.... I mean, I wouldn't date him again.. like fucking ever. But I was upset that we had dated for three years and he never once gave me a Mother's Day gift. Also, I got really upset because she isn't a mom. I'm Mikey's mom.. like what the fuck? While they were having a super cute Mother's Day at his place with my son... I sat at home like a fucking loser watching sappy romantic movies crying because I am forever alone. Then the time came when I got to pick up my son (my ex gets him every weekend and I have him Mon through Fri.), when I got out of my car I saw my son holding roses and he said, "Happy Valentine's Day, Mommy!" To which his father and his dad's girlfriend whispered to him that it was Mother's Day not Valentine's Day. Wrong holiday little man. hahaha! It had then dawned on me that 1. These roses were from the bouquet that my ex gave to his girlfriend, and 2. I am a raging bag of dicks.

Seriously, she really is a mom, she has been helping my ex with our son for awhile now, and they are probably going to get married soon. Why not celebrate Mother's Day for her, right? And who gives a shit what he didn't do for me? I need to grow the fuck up. What they did was really sweet. Sometimes I can be the worst person imaginable. Someone I never thought I could be, some jealous spinster who sits at home at watches romance movies all day while crying into cake.... now all I need are 60 cats and I am golden. Well, I hope it never gets to that point. I just know that this is why I need to be kept busy with school. As much as a summer break sounded refreshing, I should have taken summer classes. I always forget, amongst all the school work with finals, that summer is boring as fuck without school.

Conscious thoughts part 1

Sometimes you throw so many mixed signals my way I am unsure of what you really think of me. Confusion can really mess with a girl's head, ya know? I've mention things outright, and you still find a way around the answers. Slippery serpents.

Hate is such a strong word, how about, highly dislike?

"Hate is such a strong word, how about, highly dislike?"

It's not that I don't like you
it's that
I can't stand being in at least
ten fucking feet of you
so no
I don't fucking hate you
I just imagine you choking
on every single drink
you are served in front of me
that your teeth rot
in only the front portion
that every girl you touch
has herpes
that just when you fill your gas tank
your engine blows
when you get a sore in your mouth
you can't help but tongue it
that when you get a new hair cut
I hope it looks like shit
when you find the girl of your dreams
she uses the crap out of you
karma
so no
I don't hate you
I just hate how you made me
hate you
               -J.Lajoie

Nail bed information

"Nail bed Information"

My nails are of a common thief
still I  interrogate for information
as if my finger tips have all the answers
saliva mixing with salt and dirt
these battles are unpleasant
My fingers were once the ones that held yours
caressing every divot, nook, cranny
knotting them around your hair was their finest hour
telling you my secrets, my...weaknesses
they knew everything about you
your easiest disposal of my truth
so when you left I thought,
"It's because my hands knew you too well"
maybe that's why I continue to challenge their accuracy
leaving no nail bed un-turned
and perchance I might retrieve the answers
to why you never came back
                           -J. Lajoie

Welcome to Love

"Welcome to Love"

Welcome to the adulthood of love,
where the "adult" is fictional,
when getting pissed on is your "Welcome mat",
Welcome to losing your dignity,
hearts being ripped open, your consummation.
I'm in the forever pining club,
highlights consist of smiling at those cute waiters,
that aren't even your server,
and doing everything for someone,
just when they dub you "Knight of the Friend-Zone"
These chasms are endless,
much like my sleepless nights,
or the dried saline on my cheeks.
Surrounded by a world of dark cloud lovers
with good intentions
that never seem to follow through.
And no one will ever know,
just how loud my heart beats,
or when the winds in this field blow,
I hope they are a hurricane that drown my secrets.
                             -J.Lajoie

Le sappy

There are those little things I really miss about being in a relationship:

• Red light kisses
• Inside jokes
• The "you are a fucking weirdo" faces
• Late night phone calls when you really need someone to talk to
• The way you can tell something is wrong by the sound of their voice
• Forehead kisses
• Sarcastic conversations when both of you don't know when to end them
• Awkward cuddling, where your body is in the most fucked up position... but somehow it is comfortable for both parties
• "I missed you" hugs
• Catching them looking at you in the corner of your eye

Jessi actually wrote a post

It has been mind-boggling to me how fast the time is going by. My days are so filled with school work, work, and my son, that when I finally get a chance to relax and do my own things such as, reading, writing, seeing friends, etc... that it is already time for me to put the day to rest. I exhaust my mind and body so much that I go to bed at 8 or 9 PM and then wake up at 5:30 AM exhausted. It is as though time is slipping through my fingers. I want to enjoy this time in school while I work to get my degree in Radiology, and I do realize there is a lot of hard work to do, but I suppose I didn't realize how fast life would go by. Perhaps it comes with age, just being so busy, or an anomaly of the great perhaps. It frightens me a bit. I mean, it is not like my life is flashing before my eyes, but the rate months are passing by is concerning.... at least to me.

I always thought by age 26 I would be married and have my life together. It is funny, yet sad, how smart I thought I was at 18, and even 10 years from now I'll probably laugh at how smart I thought I was at 26. We always think we are doing the right thing, but how do we ever truly know we are doing the right thing until it is too late? Those are the life lessons we learn, from my stand point. I realize I get a bit too philosophical, but just bear with me. I guess with no matter how nostalgic I become, and how much I wish I could go back in time and change the past, I can still hold my head high and know that I am working towards a better future for myself. And for what it is worth, no matter how single or lonely I feel, I know it is the right path because I can feel it inside of me. I guess that answers the question, "How do we know what is right?", because we can feel it inside of us, that excruciating feeling of the emotions inside of you trying to jump out of your skin. We do what we want and what our hearts say is the correct path, even if that path is full of errors. We need those errors or consequences to learn and understand; to pass down the knowledge we have procured. We work hard for our lessons, and I'll be damned if I or anyone else tries to go back and change them. I am the best person I could ever possibly what to be, and for that, I am truly happy.

Poisoned reality

"Poisoned Reality"

Emotions,
fickle little things aren't they?
One minute they are there, the next
nonexistent.
I take deep drags on my cigarette,
filling my lungs with poison,
much like the time spent
on you
I know both are fatal
but people, like cigarettes
are addictions
and the trick to 'em is
you never know exactly
who or what you're in for
and shit man
I've got a serious bone to pick
with reality
             -J.Lajoie

This is where the title would go

Here we are again followers. This is where I complain about life and leave out tons of other things that are going on because when I write on here I tend to focus on the bad. Here is where I would write some witty metaphor about how much I dislike being single, while simultaneously quoting some poem about how I am fine on my own and happy that I can handle life until someone special enters it. There is where I post a picture that is generally not relevant to what I am actually talking about, here:

This is where I then try to make a funny remark about how I think I am cool and then say just kidding.

Here I go spouting out words of wisdom about how things need to change and how only I can be the one to change them.

And finally, this is where I post my rantings/ramblings and then open up a new post maker to write a sappy poem about love once had.  Enjoy your day followers. I really do appreciate anyone that takes the time to read my blog. Because I do realize it is starting to become the same things over and over again, I should start coming up with topics to discuss instead of making this always about emotional crap. Thanks again guys and gals! :)

Night Light

"Night light"

It's true what they say, you know,

                                                  about misery loving company.

Maybe that's why you kept me,

                                                  holding on for so long.

                                                               Every night I closed my eyes, thinking,

                                 there's a martyr sleeping next to me.

Draining every ounce of me,

                                                     until there was nothing left.

                                                                 I wasn't nothing.

                                                                                            I left.
                                                                                     
                                                                                    - J.Lajoie

Honest is

Even if honesty brings us sadness, pain, guilt, frustration, or anger... it is always just that, honest. I find that the writing above couldn't have been said any better. And it was something I feel I needed to read. I have been stuck in such a rut lately, but reading this definitely helped clear things up with myself.
I've accumulated great friends in the past few months that are quite honest. I always wondered why I went through friends so fast and thought it was them who had not been worth the time I put into them. But now I realize that I get bored with people fast, I get bored with the lies or how they never try to work on themselves like I have been for the past few years. I shouldn't have let that bother me...and I don't know why I feel the never ending need to fix everyone around me. I need to be honest with myself and accept people as they are, and only help when asked. Instead of being my nosey-self and getting "all-up-in-their-business" trying to help them be better people. I'm proud of myself for finally having friends that I know have some issues they need to work through, but only helping them when they ask for it. It is a big step, and I am looking forward to growing and learning more about myself... and becoming more self-accepting.

So many words

As I sit here and try to muster up some brain-power to write a twelve page essay for my English Comp. class, I find my mind drifting to anything but my paper. I have never felt so distracted from my work in my life. Usually papers come pretty easy, not saying they are all A+ papers, but I can usually get a three page paper out in an hour. I wrote a nine page paper in about five hours, well the accumulation of all the hours I actually spent on it. This one is killing me. Analyzing things is one thing, but remembering all the tropes and schemes is seeming to be difficult. I can't just read a paragraph of a professional's work and point out every single word diction and if it is Latinate or Native. I know this is supposed to be challenging, but fuck my brain hurts. Perhaps I just wasn't meant for writing and this is why I am not pursuing Psychology as a career. I fucking hate writing papers. I like writing poetry or stories.... but I just can't put my heart into researching something that doesn't interest me. I suppose that is my failure as a student, I need to work on my caring level.

The feels!

"Your interested in me is like dust on a shelf"

Pending rage

I think what upsets me the most is knowing that all this pent up anger inside of me is an accumulation of all the things I couldn't tell you because you practically dropped off the face of the earth…. and never gave me the chance to say what I needed to say.

I guess I am upset that I have to hold on to all this baggage and you will go on with your life being happy. I wish it were easier to just throw it all away, but you got to say your last words and I didn't. So I am sorry that I am still healing. I am sorry that I still want to call you an asshole. I am not sorry that when I finally heal, I will probably won't even acknowledge your existence because you will have done that to yourself.

Mercy

I think that sometimes people just find it easier to give up.
That the pain is just too great to push forward.
... and then there are our friends who always give us a thousand reasons why you shouldn't give up.
Why you should own your shit, and show yourself that you are better than the word "mercy."

Tid bits from my mind

• Some of the most beautiful words have been said over a million times, and yet, they are still just as beautiful.
• I really enjoy the term "ripple effect" of "domino effect"
• I also like making bullet points
• I figured 2 bullet points weren't enough so I added some words to make it look even

A penny for your thoughts

"A penny for your thoughts"

My mind is like a open pond

5 AM on a Sunday morning,

fish swim anxiously with hunger,

but no man had dared to go fishing,

until you.

With all my might I held my sweet fish close,

even with the heavy weight

of all my words left unsaid,

you still managed to catch my thoughts

then you threw them back.

Yellow tape surrounds my waters

Caution, do not enter,

You were the only person

and the last,

to ever set foot on my shore.

                           -J.Lajoie

Deserts need rain too

"Deserts need rain too"

If love is like a growing flower
and each new bud an achievement unlocked
then my life is like a drought
with no keys to the the clouds
blooming vines try to help
suggesting new tactics, new clouds
but for the life of me
I could never figure out this rain dance
                            -J.Lajoie

That's normal

"That's normal"

You are a serpent, strangling my hopes
Speaking in tongues, we revolve around one another.
With my emotional frailty and your unwillingness to fold
We might as well be toxic fumes
You reminded me of some of my favorite books
People look at you differently when you cry reading "Green Eggs and Ham"
I need to start reading new books.

        -J.Lajoie

Ponder.

I have been thinking a lot about wanting to move...
Not just move to a new home, but some where far... like Ireland or Australia. I know it sounds drastic, but I feel like I would enjoy it there. None the less, I know I couldn't actually live in these far away places. My son's father would have my neck if I took Mikey across the globe with me.

         I do, however, want to travel. Before I get married and settle down. I want to visit Ireland, Scotland, London, and Australia. I am going to put these on my bucket list. And I will visit each of these places. Who knows, one of them could even be my honeymoon vacation after I get married (one can only hope) one day.

                                       I hope I get to do all the things I've wanted to do. I wanted to learn how to play guitar when I was a kid, but my parents aren't musically inclined and couldn't afford lessons... or a guitar. I wanted to learn how to snowboard, but my parents didn't do that stuff... and again couldn't afford to pay for me to snowboard. Among countless other things I have wanted to try. Well, being that I will be 26 on January 30th, I have been learning how to play guitar and today I went snowboarding for the first time ever. I am sore in places I didn't even know could get sore, but I am proud of myself. I have surpassed my parents knowledge of things, and it didn't cost me anything but gas money to get there. The guitar however was $80.00 with a case, I digress... I know that I will never hold my son, or future children back from things. I do realize 26 isn't that old, but these are things are should have learned young. I know I can't blame everything on my parents, but a little help from them at that time in my life would have probably pushed me to work harder when I was a kid. Perhaps if I had these activities to keep myself busy as a kid or teenager, I wouldn't have dropped out of school. Who knows, can't turn back time. I am beyond happy with how my personality turned out, so my parents must have done something right? If I can be selfish about anything, I hope my son gets my personality.

Bartender, I'll have another.

I've really had it with people lately. My emotions are set to "fuck all".

I hate liars with a fiery passion. Don't sit there and tell me you aren't looking for a relationship for a while; that you would like to stay single for at least 6 months. Then 2 weeks later get into a relationship. Really? You could have just told me straight up that you weren't interested in dating me, that all you wanted was to use me for an emotional and sexual head rest. Now you aren't even talking to me. I thought I made it clear that first and foremost we were friends.... but apparently when you get into a relationship you stop talking to your friends. Cute. I'm glad I didn't get into anything serious with such an immature prick, such as yourself. You are the type of guy you warned me about, interesting how the terms "liar and asshole" hit so close to home with you. I am disgusted and  irrefutably all - fucking - set with you. Enjoy your two month relationship.

Also, the car I was going to buy got sold as soon as I drove into the parking lot to go test drive it. I am winning this week.

Typically named for your pleasure

To quit smoking (again) is a bitch. I want to stab people, eat everything in sight, and clean. Fuck life right now. ( I am exaggerating of course ). 

Come and get it

"Come and get it"


Fragments of myself fade
everyone I have loved can have a portion,
one for you, the scared little boy
another for you, the serial dater
with each a personal triumph
a fear or circumstance over come
well why not just give one to you,
the eye wanderer,
and here's some for you, the cheater
you can all procure chips of me
every lie, hidden agenda, and fake smile
sure, just take it all
I didn't need those scraps anyway
So to all new comers,
Go head, come get a piece of me.
                          -J.Lajoie