Yea, it's kind of like that....

It's my Birthday! Happy Birthday to me.

I'm feeling very accomplished. I filed my taxes, and filled out my FASFA for school. I also have my interview and tour for SNHU tomorrow. After that I will be filling out my the school application. I hope things keep falling into place, I'm really starting to enjoy good things happening... instead of bad things. Then again, always keeps life interesting. I am also looking at cars, I am becoming quite found of the Audi A4. We'll see what happens in time.

Salutations

I'd like to thank the Academy...

  When did the people in this world become so fake? Why must it take so long for us to be our "true" selves when we meet new people. I find myself even realizing that I am not my complete personality when I am not very familiar with someone. I come off a bit timid and shy. Sometimes, I think things for a response and don't say them. When typically I am the first one to say what is on my mind, rude or not. With some people though, I'm scared to say exactly what is on my mind. Fear? Complications? There are those few people out there that can't really take a joke, or realize I am not trying to be rude.

I am less serious than most. When people talk seriously about heavy subjects, I like to think that I can uphold a conversation but can't help to throw in a joke or two to lighten the mood. Maybe I can't get too serious? I don't like feeling strong emotions. The ones that completely take over. People who have those kinds of emotions fascinate me though. Having those feelings of passion or take such pride in things intrigues me.

I also find myself seeking out the "abnormal" or "weird" individuals. I feel like they are more true to themselves than most "normal" people are. That might sound a bit biased though. So please take no offense. Especially my friends, I don't want you thinking I am calling you "abnormal." LOL! Just seems to me that the more normal you are the more fake you are.... I feel like I can't get exactly what I am trying to say out. Maybe this post was a bad idea. Oh well...that's all you get kids.

Ta-da

 

So I have my license re-instated. I can now drive....legally. :)

Ex decided he won't be taking Junior this weekend. "It's a bad weekend." Wish I could just relinquish my responsibilities as easy as some people. 

                      My Birthday is this weekend. I thought maybe I'd go out and have some fun. My mom said she'd watch my son for me. I don't like that idea. I feel like a bad person every time I ask someone to baby sit. Like they will think that I would rather "party" than take care of my son. I know this isn't really what they are thinking, but I still worry. He is my responsibility. I really wish his father felt the same way. What if this week was a bad week for me and I couldn't have Mikey. Then what? Would he opt to take him then? Nope, then it would be that I am a bad mother and don't care about my son. Funny how these things work. I would never give up an opportunity to spend time with my son if I only saw him once a week. It would only be under dire circumstances for me to say I couldn't take him. Again, that is just me I suppose

 Why do people rush into relationship? After my ex and I broke up I waited a good solid two months to heal before I even started to talk to guys with flirtatious intentions. The ex on the other hand, waited a good solid week. People upset me by their lack of individualism. They can't stand alone, and feel like they need a significant other to complete them. Really, you need someone else to complete you as a whole? So once you are in a relationship, that is when you are really a great person and are happy. Nothing can defeat you, or bring you down? I thought that's why we had friends and family. I thought maybe...just maybe, having a companion was about finding someone that compliments you as a person, not completes you.  I understand the whole this person completes me because <insert sappy love line here>, to an extent. Sure it's cute. If you believe that particular individual is your soul mate more power to you. I just think that people should figure themselves out and be able to be happy without having to be in a relationship before they try to "complete" someone else. Or else to bad halves don't make a whole. They make a really bad circle. (Example: Tell a kid under the age of 7 to draw a circle.) That's probably how your little "rely on others to make you happy" relationship will look.

I am the type of person to get really excited about a new person in my life. I want to learn as much about them as possible, as fast as possible. I know that is the wrong way to go about it. I have to slow myself down, explain to myself that it takes years to really know someone. I'll admit I get caught up in the little butterflies in my stomach driven mess. I catch myself though. I jumped into too many things in the past, and have learned the way to go about things. I think that people should wait if at the least a year to get married. With all things considered, you should live with them first to see if you can stand their living habits. Can you stand to see this person everyday for the rest of your life after six months of it? If it's a yes, then it is okay to discuss marriage. Not push it. Some people may feel it take a great deal of time to decide if someone is worth marrying. Perhaps they are right. There are a lot of divorces these days. I just want to make sure the person I marry is the right one, don't we all? I should let everyone digest that before I write more. Too-ta-loo.

Pshyco - - Logy

I've come a long way from who I use to be--the person I was when I was with my ex. I was so bland. I feel as though I had no real personality and no real dreams. It's like he drained me of life. Not to say he was purposely doing so... I have myself to blame for that. Talking about this particular part of my life is a bit hard so bare with me. I have this way of suppressing memories. Most of the new people in my life seem to have noticed that when I start to talk about my past I have this big black hole that I just skip over….this is that black hole.  I don't like to tell people about it because I feel really embarrassed about how long I stayed with him. The relationship died about three months in and yet we stayed together for three years. I will never let that happen again. I will never let anyone have that much power over me again. I have been trying to break the patterns that I have become so adjusted to when it comes to relationships. I have become programmed to think that cuddling is bad because he didn't like it. And that I should always buy them things because that's the only thing that makes them happy.  He made me feel other people's needs come before mine. I know that these things aren't true and I should break these habits. I just can't seem to help myself. On the other hand I have become more bold and open.  Unlike before when I had to keep my mouth shut because my opinion and feelings didn't matter I can now tell people just how I feel about things.
  Before I started dating him I was so full of life. I was doing great. I had a car, 4 credit cards, one with a credit line of 3 grand; I was promoted to manager at work and was just happy in general. I was happy with life and everything going on in it. I was going out and having fun with my adult-teen years.  After we started dating I stopped hanging out with friends. I started to blow my money, neglect to pay bills and avoid my family. I also became pregnant. During that time all he wanted to do was go out with his friends and party. Soon after becoming pregnant he started cheating. All I could think was “I can't leave him because then my son will have a broken family. “ I was told things by him so ridiculous that even a ten year old wouldn't believe it. He would say things like “If you buy me an SRT-4 I'll buy you an engagement ring." REALLY?!? I can’t believe how fucking retarded I was. As you the reader can see I was so ashamed of the person I had become that I finally had to break free. I am a bit cracked and bruised but still working on myself. I still find it hard to believe anyone when they say they've never cheated and never will. Frankly, I hear that line a lot. I am competent enough to know that not every person out there cheats and lies about stupid things. Yet, it still makes me feel like I'm about to go through a yellow light… wondering if I should hit the brakes soon.

So this song is the only song that is just perfect for how I felt when I was with my ex. (note: I don't feel it is right to say names it wouldn't be fair to the other parties involved. To just throw their names around is blasphemy.)

Gravity lyrics
Songwriters: Bareilles, Sara;

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long



                                                                     So I know that anytime I try to describe things that I am feeling it comes off a bit vague or wishy-washy. Only because I would like not to get too personal. All I really need is to write the main idea of how I feel, or get straight to the point. Besides, no one really wants ALL the boring details. ;)



  (edited by Sarah LaFlamme)

Changes

A lot of things are changing around me. Most people I know don't like change. I for one love change. I am so open to new things. I enjoy when things change around me, not that I don't think back to the days when I was once a wee little girl playing with her My Little Ponies. I just like to embrace the new things that happen. I noticed this about me about a year ago. I was talking to an old district manager of mine, back when I was working at BK, she said that she loved my spirit and that I embrace new things. That I don't hold back, and always want to know how I can improve my skills, and enjoy any work environment I'm in. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

                                                We have a new manager at my work, come to find out I've worked with him before back when I was in my old district. He's a cool guy, and I am excited about the good/new changes he'll make with the store. We have lots of employees leaving, and soon to have one of our own to be the new assistant manager. The world around me will cease to exist, and will be replaced by a newer, some what familiar, but still different place. So much can happen in just a few months. It's really quite remarkable to me how feelings, environments, and new experiences can make everything seem so brand new. Sometimes I wonder if there might be something wrong with me to love new things so much. I never had a favorite blanket or favorite stuffed animal as a child, come to think of it I didn't care for stuffed objects much. Even when I had/have a favorite pairs of jeans, shoes, or shirt I was okay to throw them away once they became "unwearable." I guess I don't have to worry about being a "pack rat."


                                                               I have decided to dye my hair. Right now the bleach is setting in, well see how it looks. I bought another color to go over it, if I decide it doesn't look good. I like to dye my hair a lot. I've actually been very patient because I died my hair black in October 2010. So this had actually been the longest I've gone without "messing" with my hair. I don't know what attachment I have with my hair, but I love my hair, and love doing new things to it. It just keeps growing back, why not?



               My son has started seeing his father again on the weekends, after a two month hiatus.  I hope his father doesn't disapear  on him again. It's not fair to Junior to be put through such emotions at such a young age. I am glad though that he's back home! I miss him tons when he's gone. When he's not home, I get bored. Wich  is funny really because when he's around sometimes I just think, "please god I just want to get some things done!"  I imagine myself one day, being in the middle of my career, married, and living "the dream."  Perhaps white picket fence and all? I see Mikey happy. Going to school, hanging with friends, being content with the life I've made for us. Knowing that one day he'll know how hard his mom worked to make sure he had a better life. Striving to one day make his own family and work hard to make a good life for them. I think about the future way to much.



                                                Well my hair is now pink. I hope I can cover it up okay for work. I'd hate to get in trouble for it. We'll see if I can play my cards right and just cover it with a bandanna.  I knew they would be put to some good use one day. I think that should suffice for the night.

Frustrations

I've realized today that I am so over people.

                                        I lost my license for a ridiculous reason, and I think it should be explained to people in the beginning that you need to have an SR-22 for 3 years, prior to them going to get one. Long story....
For now I am more annoyed with the fact that I don't have a vehicle. I pride myself in being a very self sufficient person. I am not one to ask for help, unless I am desperate. Since October of  '10 I have been without a car. I am lucky enough that I have rides to work, and so far have been lucky that I have actually been able to find rides home. This is so difficult for me, I hate the fact that anytime I want to do anything, I can't just go out alone. I am not a loner, but sometimes I just like to do my own thing. I've spent most of my life doing things on my own, and when I tried becoming more open to doing things with people (example: going to the mall, grocery shopping, salon, ect.) I usually was let down by people being busy or some excuse to say they can't go. Wich is fine, people get busy, I have from time to time not been able to do things when invited or not been in the mood to be out and about. My point is I am use to just being able to do as I please, wether someone is with me or not. So for me to be "stuck" is hurting my pride. I feel like a kid, stuck at home, begging my parents to bring me some where. Half the time I just want to sit at home, perhaps I am a bit depressed, but I am really not a fan of using that word. I feel like it is a strong word, and a lot of people use it wrong. I am just trying to figure things out for myself. I suppose this was maybe some sick joke on me, trying to get me to learn to ask for help. Geez, I know how to ask for it, I just prefer not to. I love helping other people, it makes me happy to see that I made someone else happy. Though when someone does something for me, or gets me a gift of some sorts I feel like I now "owe" them something. Even if that wasn't the case, and they weren't looking for some kind of fairness in the sharing or helping field, I can't help but feel that way.



                          I think I've told my friends a million times now, "I just can't wait for W2's to come in, so I can finally get a car." It's very repetitive, and I'll admit it. It's because it is always on my mind. NEED CAR NEED CAR.... Over and over again in my head. Obsessive much? Haha. Yes, I'll allow it. I also just keep hearing left and right from friends and family that I am not read for any kind of commitment or relationship until I "get myself together." So your telling me that because I live with my parents, and don't have a car that I just can't be mature enough to still get my life in order while enjoying the company of a companion? That's crap. I feel ready to be in a relationship, I know I won't jump into anything. Men scare the shit out of me, but I can't let that stop me from trying. Perhaps, one day, I will find a nice person that will sweep my off my feet. The kind of person you get butterflies in your stomach when you are on your way to see them. ( Or in my case they are coming to get me. Lol.)


                        I can never get my thoughts organized enough for this, So I'm not even going to try anymore. I should just rename this : Ramblings of the unorganized mind.    Well, as long as I get my thoughts down, I'm sure it doesn't really matter what order they go in. The|End.

First things first

My first entry to a blog that I'm not even sure I will keep up with. A blog that I'm not sure I'll make everything on my mind entirely known. Perhaps I'll make this like a diary? That would be a bit personal to keep on the internet. Then again, this is 2011, Facebook as shown us how open the world can really be about their personal life for all to see. I shall start this with perhaps a description of myself, and what is going on in the world around me.


                                          I'm Jessi, I am 23 years old. My birthday is coming up in the next week or so. I will be 24. Being this age, I myself, think that I should be married and starting my career. This is not the case. I live with my parents, have a 2 1/2 year old son, and not even in a relationship. I work at Dunkin Donuts, and have since October of '04. I plan to start school in the fall. Life hasn't dealt me the best hand, but that goes to say I haven't dealt myself a very good hand either. This is a case of me now learning the game and hoping to play better.


                                My problem with education is that I dropped out of high school when I was 16. (Stupid idea, you don't have to tell me) I have received my GED, in hopes that I can pursue my college and career dreams. Not quite sure how things will pan out. I don't know the first step into picking a college that might appeal to me. College in general appeals to me, so what am I looking for? I think my first year will be a way of me learning what to expect and what I will and won't like for the future. For now though, I will stick with whatever I can get into and what has the courses I want.  Maybe I have gone a bit too far for my first entry.


                                                        More about me:
  Men and women are mind boggling to me. Not in a way that I can't understand them. I am pretty good at reading people, and I pride myself in that. There are a small handful though that I just don't get, and most likely never will. I'm okay with that, as long as I at least try and if after many attempts I fail I'll accept it. This isn't contained to just relationship wise, also pertains to friends and family. If you, the reader, haven't noticed yet that my mind jumps all over the place then here is a warning. This is why I am not a writer. Most of the things I spit out don't really make much sense. I think I'll end this here, perhaps my next post will actually be a bit more lined up and readable.