Have you seen my sanity? I seem to have lost it.

I feel like I am constantly doing homework.... or at work...or in class. I spend what little time I do have with my son, and then go right back to homework. I knew getting a second job would be exhausting but I need the money. I can't keep living here with my parents. I haven't texted or called anyone. I haven't visited friends with the exception of today I went to the GE meeting at SNHU. I think I have another MCC meeting on Friday, I am not sure. Gah... I am just tired.

It's old but it feels new

Relearning how to read music and play guitar like it's my job.

Relish this moment

Sometimes I get into those moments where everything ( in my mind set ) sucks, and today was no different. Though I was thinking and I realized that breaking, destroying, tearing apart ( or any sense of the meaning of words ) things, people, relationships, etc... is so easy. It is incredibly simple to take something once so finely put together and break it down to pieces. Putting everything back together is what takes time. To fix a broken lamp or maybe friendship that has lost its trust... that shit takes time. Time, time, time... that is the big answer to everything. Patience plays a big part in getting your life together.

 "I don't know how I got bitter" sounds like a good phrase to say right now. I don't know if it's the ending of relationships ( friendly or romantically ) or perhaps all these bullshit classes I have to retake. Maybe living with my parents and feeling unappreciated. Then there's me never catching a break when it comes to vehicles or bills. But either one of them or cumulatively, I just want it to stop. I want a life I can be proud of. Yes, I am going to school to work toward a better future but right now I feel alone. Obviously with that statement I couldn't be or am not ready to be in a relationship, but I really want to feel that my life is going somewhere. Right now I know I am doing something.. but it doesn't feel like it is going somewhere. I need that sign of momentum to prove that what I am doing is right. I require proof. I am just frustrated.

my sentiments

So this bitch.

Catchy title I think.

School is going well, so far it is excruciatingly easy.... I am thinking by midterm it'll start to get hard, but you never know. I could be getting too cocky about it. I am meeting lots of new people and so far they seem really nice. There is a LGBTQ group on campus that just happens to meet during a time I am not in class, so score! I am also going to the Generation Equality meetings at SNHU. At first I was reluctant to go, but they say they want me there so give the people what they want! I am also getting a job on campus because I can't get enough hours at Lowe's. My life is going to be spent in Concord and Manchester basically.

I am excited to go apple picking with Mikey! I saw these really cute caramel and chocolate apples on pinterest the other day, so hopefully we can do that was well. Unless he decides after 5 minutes of making an apple he doesn't want to anymore... then it turns into a mommy project lol. The hayrides should be fun this year as well. I've already decided with a few friends that we are most definitely going to Nightmare New England! FUCK YES! That reminds me, I am going with Jen to see the Possession! So ecstatic! I miss going to the theaters to see horror films and going on thrill rides! I am glad to have Jen in my life, she understands my sick and twisted need for gore and to be scared shitless. Ahh yes, to be me. That is scary in itself.

My ex is getting a new job, so Mikey will not be going there every Friday. So Mikey won't need his babysitter anymore. Which sucks because I love Yevette and Mikey does too. I don't want to hear him complain every Friday that he wants to see Yvette and not his dad. I don't get why he hates going there... but we shall see.

Pushing through

I can't watch movies or hear music about little kids being hurt or dying. It tears me up inside and think what if it was my son. Then I freak out inside and start crying like a baby because I love my son so much and I would do anything to protect him no matter what. He is my everything. I want him to have the best life possible. I am trying so hard to make a good life for him but I feel like I keep failing. 

I want him to have his own room. The little jealousy inside of me gets me every time when I think about how my ex has an apartment with his girlfriend and my son had his own room there. I know that in the long run going to college will pay off, but right now is creating this brutal battle inside of me. I know my being single is something that can't be help and there no need to rush a relationship... I just wish I had my own place. It sucks when my parents don't listen to the rules I have set for Mikey. I want them to respect my parenting skills, but I also want them to know that I will respect that they are grandparents and have a natural need to want to spoil their grandchild. Unfortunately we happen to live here. 

I don't want my son to be made fun of for being poor like I was, but I feel like there is nothing I can do anymore besides just keep up with school and work as much as I can.

This is me, above that level

People can be really cruel. I can't believe someone would actually be happy when a person is in pain.... that is fucked up. Also, I am sick of all the anonymous questions on Tumblr suggesting that I am some kind of "cunt" or that I am actually glad that my ex got dumped. Fuck that. Those people need some serious therapy. I am better than that. I don't believe it makes me a cunt when I did anything and everything to make that man happy. Far be it for me to break down every once in awhile when I realize that all that I had is lost and I will never get what we had back. A big serious fuck you. He always told me to write what I felt, and that he was glad when I wrote my feelings. Now I am getting bitch slapped for doing so? People need to mind their own business... don't read my posts if you don't like me... easy. Also, I truly cared and still care for my ex. I would like to be there for him, but I don't think either of us are ready to talk yet. When he is ready, he will come to me. Otherwise, I wish him the best and I am sorry for his heartbreak.


In other news: school is going well, and I spend way too much of my time at SNHU. I am making more friends there... I need to make friends at my school damn it! I suck. Here is an awesome gif just for you guys! <3

Fact.

The post below is not about your break up. That post is about the shit storm from all the anons and about myself. I found out about your break up later. Please believe that I would never be that cruel. When I found out I felt bad and was worried about you. But you probably won't believe me... just don't take out your hate for me on your friend. Just hate me. Okay?

Le stupid fuck

...and let the karma shit storm commence.

The better to see you with, darling

ermahgerd

It is so lonely at NHTI. I wish I was at SNHU. All or most of my friends go to SNHU. I try to talk to people in my classes but they just aren't talkative... I miss my friends at MCC too. Maybe it's just my nerves. I found myself wanting to start smoking just to talk to the smokers on campus like old time. Being a smoker makes it easy to talk to people.... but that isn't a good reason to start smoking.  Just wish new thing were easier.

Heart means everything

It feels great knowing that I have good friends that care about me. I'd fall apart if I didn't have them being the glue that holds me together. Today was amazing. Even being in my new school, making friends right away. I hope tomorrow goes well. Three classes in a row... ten minutes apart. I hope I can run with all my books LOL! We shall see. Today I am smiling because I am starting to love my life. Today I realized I am so much better off without either one of the douche bags in my life.
"I don't wanna take your precious time,
'Cause you're such a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty face,
But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time"

Stahp it rahn

You are not the gentleman, you are the liar. Stop spouting this fucking verse like it represents you. Let us take a moment to think about how using someone for rides when they are your girlfriend while planning to break up with them is not gentleman like at all. Nor is lying for months about loving them. That shit was weak man.

Do you even remember half the fucked up shit you said about her? Because roses and rainbows were not used in the same sentences that her name was in. Funny how you talked so much shit about me, her, and your other exes…. but you can’t just own up to to the truth.

I am so fucking ripe with shit to say.

Rethink

Sometimes I don't know if I am happy or sad. I miss talking to my ex, like the friendship that existed in our relationship. But I am glad to not be in that relationship anymore. It's a bittersweet feeling I believe.

This new store might not be so bad after all. It's been going pretty well, and I have been getting a long well with my coworkers. We already have inside jokes, woot! School is so close... oh man, I'm so nervous. I still never looked to find my classes. Perhaps I'll do that after work tomorrow. Or come home and work on my muffler. I finally got the new part I need. Hopefully I can do this on my own.

In any case. This is the beginning of something good. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and I have finally spotted it. Let's do this.