Well then, that did nothing.

Some days I feel like an idiot and I will never learn from my mistakes, others I feel like a genius.

Today was a mixture of the former and the latter.

The future makes me anxious.

Hiding out is way more fun

My entire life is that awkward stage where you are attracted to anything that is a douche bag.

I had entered myself back into the dating scene, and am now going back into hiding. Damn it, people are too much work. Friends are much easier. The|End.

Rhetorical

"Rhetorical"

Romance and its subtlety was never something I understood,
as if I was born missing the gene to understand love
I pick up hints here and there
but the big picture is lost on me.
What is the exact difference between love
and caring deeply for someone?
Are the people we care about the ones we actually love?
Or the ones we think we love
just an idea of what we think love is
If the former is the case,
and we trust our friends with our lives
then why are we setting ourselves up for failure?
And out of all the things for me to love,
why is loving you the hardest?
                     -J.Lajoie

"Try to pretend that I never even knew your name
'cause everything you are disgusts me
Too bad I can't turn back time
So I wouldn't be here
what I'd give for you to disappear
so tell me girly how's your edge?

You've got nothing better to do
I know why you can't see straight
I thought you were better than this,  but you're just like everyone else"

Pseudo understanding

"Pseudo understanding"

You once told me you loved me
and all that mattered in the world was us
but it didn't quite sit right with me
I loved you too
and the more I loved you
the more I cared about everything
if only just fragments of myself
enjoyed each day to their fullest.
You once told me you didn't love me
and that you wanted to care more about the world
but I still loved you
if only by some pseudo understanding
your care for the world generated my pain
and all the days that followed
I hated progressively more.
You once told her she was the love of your life
and she was all that mattered in the world
yet I still love you
and nothing matters anymore
                    -J.Lajoie

Read you

"Read You"

I pretend you are my favorite poem
everyday I read you a hundred times over
smiling,
questioning,
sobbing,
your word play wraps around
drenching me in your expressions
and I won't lie,
I'll still read you everyday
until I can read between your lines
and understand your every quip
because I find it hard to imagine
getting bored of someone like you,
losing someone like you,
hurting someone like you,
and when I can distinguish
between each and every rhyme
I'm going to linger,
over the greatest piece of art,
I have ever had the pleasure reading.
                      -J.Lajoie

Picture post

My friend did my hair and make-up last week and I forgot to post pictures on here. Basically, I used to do my hair in the pinup style a lot, but then I got lazy. Seeing myself all done up again makes me want to do my make-up like this all the time again. But, I am still pretty lazy. Anyways, this post is dedicated to pictures and what not.

These are my tattoos, hopefully I can start affording to finish up my left arm, for I am going to do a full sleeve of the planets and solar system things.

Wouldn't it be nice...

...if relationships or cuddle partners could all just be found by filling out applications. haha

C'est la vie

I have calmed down a lot since yesterday, thankfully. Thanks to a few friends that talked me down. Generally I don't like to bitch about my life to friends, thus why I come on here and grace you readers with my bitching. You're welcome, lol!  Anyways, just wanted to update and let everyone know I wasn't still pissed and what not.

Oh yea, and Spanish class is pretty awesome, my professor is ridiculously funny and nice. Though my medical terminology class is starting to annoy me. Oh well, I must press on!
 Hasta luego, mi amigos.

A measly $50...jeez

20 minutes ago I wanted to stab anyone who talked to me in the face. With that being said, I have become calm, cool, and collected.... for the most part. I am still going to have a bitch fest.


My son's father seems to think I need to bow down before him, for he is male and the giver of the miraculous sperm that invaded the egg inside my vagina one fateful night, then boom, war commenced inside of my womb. Colorful entrance, oh, I know.

Basically, this mother fuck didn't pay me child support for almost over a year and for several months I had to make him see our son. Which involved me taking my time and money to drive our son to his house and then pick him up.... I don't think I could put enough periods there to emphasize my annoyance. Any who, now that he is with this new girlfriend (who actually isn't new, they have been dating for a year), he actually sees his son, meets me sort of halfway (I drive 30 minutes, he drives 15) I digress... and he pays some sort of child  support (according to the state of NH, I am suppose to receive 1/4 of his paycheck for child support, he makes $12 an hour, and I receive $50 a week...when really I should be receiving over $100 per week!) I leave it alone because everyone needs to live, right?

I understand that money is tight, apartments are not cheap... exactly, cause I live with my fucking parents, go to school full time, have a job, and during my spring and fall semesters I hold two fucking jobs, believe me.. I know it is rough. Well, sometimes I let my son's father have my son for an entire week, this has happened twice. The first time, we had no problems, he paid me child support and it was over with. Well, he kept him for a week the second time, and boom, he "doesn't think it is fair" to pay me child support for a week that he had him. (MOTHER FUCKER! ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?)

I am asking for the measly fifty-fuckin-dollars you owe me, just because you take him for a week doesn't mean you don't pay. I have to buy food, clothes, pay for daycare.. etc.  And he thinks that he knows that "it doesn't cost that much to take care of our son". Really... he said that. I think it is about that time I go to court, or figure out something.. because I am sick of this shit. Why does everyone want to walk all over me? I have been nothing but nice to every human/creature that crosses my path... and I get this shit?

I am still going to continue to be the nice/decent person that I am, but I am not going to allow people to walk all over me anymore.

/rant. 

Get with the program

I seem to be in one of those existential moods. Those days when you are just generally in a bad mood. I have been avoiding talking much to people today because of it. Far be it for me to bring someone else's mood down, so I avoid being a bitch to people. I wasn't going to write a post, but then I was like, meh, fuck it; alas, here we are.

I've been enjoying this single time I have. It is when I do my best work, I realize more about myself, and have a great time with my friends (not that I don't always have a great time with my friends, but I spend more time with them being single). But most of my friends are in new blooming relationships now, and I am just like....

I do get out and about, I am great with meeting new people, and I am always being told that I have this glow/charm about me. So, like a idiot I believe my friends. But enough is enough, when am I going to meet my prince fucking charming? I just think it is about time I find someone, but c'est la vie.

 Anyways, the point of my dreary mood: I am sitting here, all in my head, thinking... what is the point of life if you don't do things you enjoy, have a job you enjoy (to an extent, no one really likes working), and people to share your life with? Is this really it for me? Will I graduate from college, get the job I've been working so hard these past few years to get, and buy a house? Really, is that it? I just live happily ever after with just my son? I mean, I would say friends too, but knowing me, most of my friends will be wed off by then (joking, that is a little too far). Don't get me wrong, I am happy to strive and provide the best care and life I can for my son... thus the entire point of going to school. But.. I don't want to become some cat lady. I mean, I might even want more kids one day.

I am sure that I am a mess right now for nothing and I'll most likely get over it in the morning, but today/tonight, it truly is bothering me. I want a strong, mad, passionate love. I want something that I can tell my son stories about when he finds himself falling in love with a girl. I want that. I want that true love, the love that you can't stand that thought of being apart. I want to share passions with someone, and do adorable things that make people want to puke in their mouths a little. I want to go on cute little trips with someone to things like the Boston Aquarium, up north to see the foliage, carve pumpkins together, cook dinner together, go on long car rides just for the fun of it, or just sit at home and watch a movie together. There is obviously a substantial amount more that I am leaving out, but I will spare you the dry heaving. And there is a great deal more to a relationship than just these little things, none the less, I want it. I want to know there is more to life than what I am doing now.