Said perfectly.

Basically amazing.

Cut the tension with a knife

I am going through a huge transition in my life right now. I am finally being the person I wanted to be, or the person I have always been but has been buried deep inside me. I can finally be me, no gimmicks. I wear what I want to wear, regardless of neck line.... ( those of you who know how my neckline on my shirts doesn't exist. )

I feel like I am not worried about telling people about myself. I am not even scared about what people will think of me...

For the first time in over 3 years I saw my ex and wasn't attracted to him. I felt nothing for him, which is huge for me. If anything I find him very unattractive now. I am so please with myself for moving on from the hell I was once living in. I can stand up now and say I am who I am, and no one can change that. So if you have a problem with it walk the other way basically. 

I remember when I was younger, and as a kid you usually just go with the flow... Boys like girls, girls like boys....  I didn't think about relationships until I was in 6th grade. All my friends were talking about boys so I assumed the position so to say. I remember always being scared that  if I told my friends I was attracted to girls they wouldn't talk to me. So life went on, only saying I liked guys. I remember that my first crush was a girl in 6th grade. My second crush was on a guy in 8th grade.. Truth is I can't decide. I don't think I should have to. I have finally come to terms that I don't know who I will marry, because I don't know which sex I prefer. Really just depends on the person I fall in love with. I just can't believe I was scared for so long to tell friends and family. I should have just said it when I was younger, and been true to myself. Better late then never. I enjoy the fact that at work I can joke around with everyone and they aren't uncomfortable around me. I am glad that my friends have stayed my friends, regardless of what gender I prefer romantically. Some of you might have always known... or thought that I was a little different. Before when I started new friendships I would tell them that I "used to be" bisexual... honestly it was to see what their reaction would be. Usually it was a good reaction. I know that sounds kind of like a mind fuck, but I like to see what people really think of things. So if they had a good reaction I was okay to tell them that I still am. Well, now it looks like the world of internet users that actually read this will know now.. HAH!  I feel like I could have worded this paragraph better...

So my finger tips on my left hand are completely numb now. I figure that is because the guitar strings are cutting my nerves up. Though it is cool, now the strings don't hurt as much! Now my strumming needs work, I feel like I am doing it wrong. Which doesn't make sense because strumming is strumming, right? Apparently I am a fail.

Hammer time

http://www.fileden.com/files/2011/2/26/3087796//skiptomylou.wma3

http://www.fileden.com/files/2011/2/26/3087796//goodbyetoyoubranch.wma

http://www.fileden.com/files/2011/2/26/3087796//nakedavril.wma3


This is funny because half way through the song goodbye to you, I realized I was singing too fast for the tempo. So mid way you hear me slow down quite a bit, it's not hard to miss. Oh, and my ring finger and middle finger are both very numb from the guitar... lame sauce.

Music Composition

I bought a new guitar, it's nothing fancy. I know this because I only spent $55.00 on it. Something to have to practice on so I can at least learn. A friend was slowly teaching me, but I don't see him often enough to keep up with remembering everything.. I need to be able to do it at home as well. Plus I am more into self teaching than someone else teaching me. When the time comes, I will get a decent guitar..that I don't have to re-tune every 10 minutes... I have noticed though that it is quite hard to play with long nails. Of course I choose now to stop biting my nails. Didn't realize how fast these little buggers grow!



Recently I find myself dreading going to work. I feel like I always want to get out sooner and sooner. Working past 12 PM is a killer. I use to always work until 2 PM or 3 PM so I don't know why I hate working past noon now. I feel like I something wrong everyday. I was once the pride and joy, I always got praised because let's face it.. when you work at Dunkin' Donuts for 7 years you know your shit. Now, I can never do anything right... I am constantly forgetting things for the past month. It's not like I have a ton on my mind. Or issues at home. I am not running around all over the place. I don't have any love interests keeping me from things. I basically work, come home, go to bed..... So I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I need to get a new job. Nothing is available though, from what I can tell. If I am going to leave DD I want it to be out of the food industry. I am sick of coming home and smelling like shit, or feeling greasy. It's the worst. I wonder what is going on in my head...maybe I am just learning too much too fast? Or I am just so excited for school to start so I can go part time? Who knows....


                                    

The acoustic version is amazing. I basically am infatuated with this song. Plus I have a thing for Jason Mraz's vocals.



Right now I am sitting on my bed typing this, wishing I had somewhere to go. I really just want to go out, but there's nothing to do. I could go and deposit my check but that is just a waste of gas when I can just do it tomorrow after work. Unless I have lots of things to do, that I can get done in a straight line I don't like to waste the gas... My problem is I am absolutely in love with driving. So I have to keep myself from wasting gas and driving around aimlessly. Mikey is at his father's house, so no one is here to entertain me. Lame.


I really enjoy listening and watching people playing acoustic guitar and singing. I have no thoughts while they play, which is a rare. I just feel like all is calm in the world while I sit there and enjoy the show. I wish I knew more people who played  so I could have them just hang out and play for me. I should just pay for my own personal guitar player to play for me. Then when I have stressful days I can calm down and relax, with no care in the world. I can pay 5 whole dollars a day. Any takers? :)

Haiku

For Renee,



Jokes are meant for smiling,
I like to laugh a lot,
someone made me cry today.

Twinkle twinkle

When I was a kid I imagined the earth was really someone's head. That the trees and grass were hair, bodies of water were the mouth and eyes, and the desert was bald spots. Like we were all just living on some old guys head. It isn't a stretch to say I was a weird kid. I never had an imaginary friend, but I did pretend I was Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz, and Toto was chasing me around the yard trying to bite my ankles. I remember thinking I could control the wind when I had very strong emotions. On windy days I'd tell the wind to just blow as hard as it could until I felt better. I remember wishing I was a witch, so I could control mother nature. Ah, yes...the good old days....


                             I remember laying on the grass in my yard and looking up at the stars at night. Seeing how bright they were, I really did think they were the stars you draw on paper. I had no idea they were planets and suns... It's amazing how our imagination works when we are not tainted by society. Though I do enjoy learning, I do miss the days that I thought UFO's would come after me if my brother and sister used the flash light to send the "S.O.S." signal in the sky. How easily we can believe someone when we were kids. We had dreams of becoming astronauts, paleontologists, doctors, the president, or super heroes. Our parents or teachers would tell us we could be, if we worked really hard and stuck to our goals. Have any of us actually become what we wanted to be when we were 6? I didn't, when I realized all the boring details of becoming a paleontologist... the idea is interesting. The actual process is boring, and I would hate to be in uncomfortable weather all the time... depending on where you are looking. Now that I looked in to the things I think I will enjoy, I find myself being unable to choose my final destination. Going off track...

I think the point of me writing about being a kid is because I miss having such an active imagination. I use to make things. Writing and drawing we're my favorite things to do when I was younger. I was all for pulling out my coloring books, or when I got older, writing poetry. I don't even know where all my writing went. I even wrote a book once. Never left the computer of course, but that computer is non-existent now. I miss when I enjoyed writing and being artistic. I think my favorite classes in school were english, science, art, and wood shop. What happened? Did I get too caught up in current event? Fashion? The "in-crowd?" I hope school opens me up again, like when I was younger. So my mind can run wild with thoughts and ideas again.
  

You don't have to come and confess

I do believe this deserves a update, seeing as a lot has happened in the past few days... and to be honest sometimes I am just too lazy to update. Let's go back now... I have bought a new car. 2003 Dodge Neon SE. Nothing fancy, it's a Neon.. so we all know it's basically crap. She's my hoopty though, so I love it just the same. I have some work to do on it, but at least I know the things I fix will be new so I won't have to fix them later when I don't have the money. That's usually how it goes.


I have my new lap top, which is basically amazing. Such an upgrade compared to my other lap top. Now I can school it with more ease. It's an HP Probook. I fancy it. Really not much to say on the computer subject, seeing as it's a computer.. what else can I really say? I'm sure it's nothing you really want to read. Boring if anything.

I feel like I've been working non stop lately. Everyday I stay past my shift, not that it's a horrible thing. I just feel worn out. I slept until 9:45 today! If you know what time I usually get up, then you know that that's the equivalent of sleeping until 2 PM. Also was an hour late for work. Wicked cool, I get so down on myself. I hate being "the douche" that's late for work. I seem to fuck everything up at some point in time. It's not like I have horrible self esteem issues or anything. I just believe that I can always do better. I refuse to give my second best when my best is what is expected.


So someone said to me that being bisexual is the same as being straight. I felt angry about this statement. I kept my mouth, it wasn't a good time to get into a big debate about sexual preference. Especially with me drinking at the time. I am not an angry drunk, though I've never been mad while drinking, I figure I handled myself well by just not getting into the subject any further. Thinking back now I am annoyed. It's not like it really matters, but for some reason it does to me. Yet, I still can't come up with a reason why the statement bothers me. Doesn't really make any sense. Maybe the person was right?

               So I started writing this blog so that my writing skills can get better. I look back at my first posts, and I feel like it hasn't. Discouraging to say the least. I was hoping I would get increasingly better, but it looks like I just put words together better than before. Other than that I am still obsessed with commas. :) 

Determination

I got my new lap top today and buying a 2003 Dodge Neon tomorrow. Life seems pretty good so far. Even though my entire tax refund is basically depleted. I am okay with that though. I paid my bills, got a car, got a lap top for school, bought some books, and also a beginners guitar. I feel I have in no way "threw away" my money. I am glad I am getting so much better with my money. I no longer just buy things at random. I actually shop around for the best price, imagine that.


I posted this video from youtube.com because of the song lyrics. The video is okay, but I don't care for videos as much as I do for the songs. I feel this song can speak to a lot of us. I also feel like it goes a lot with the changes I have been making in my life over the last 8 months. I am glad I can look back and know that I have changed for the better. This is such a great song about wanting more than what you've grown up on. To me it symbolizes a life in a somewhat small, safe place, like the suburbs. Sidewalks literally represent safety from cars and metaphorically safety from doing anything too dangerous or out of your normal behavior. He just wants to get away from the boredom of where he is and do something great with his life. Everyone interprets lyrics differently, that's what I interpreted.


                  I just know that I want so much more out of life than working in food service, and just barely surviving on minimum wage. Not that I have some desire to be filthy rich, I just want to live comfortably. I don't want debt, and if my car breaks down I want to be able to afford to fix it or get a new one. I don't need a big fancy television or house. I am okay with a modest house in a 
modest town. I don't want to live in the city, just close enough to civilization, just not too close.




I just want to take this time to thank my friend Sarah. Thank you for all the help you've given me. It means so much to me, and you've really pushed me hard. Even to the point where I get angry and almost fight with you. I know you mean well. You will probably always be my best friend, and are the most amazing friend anyone could ever ask for.


I'd also like to thank my other friend, though I don't know if he'd like me to say his name on here, so we'll just call him "Toby." Thank you "Toby" for all the help, you are a new friend and I have only known you for a short time, but during that short time you have help me greatly and pushed me as well to do better for myself. You are a dime a dozen, and I hope we continue in our friendship for many years to come.


 It's hard to find friends like you two, especially for the fact that I have two of you.. I am so blessed to have you both in my life. Thank you for being there when I need you the most, and caring so much about me. Words can not explain or add up to the gratitude you both deserve from me. :)

Now that I just got all wishy-washy emotional on you, I'll just walk away because I have nothing else better to write about. Good times, good times.

Reminiscence?

Now that I am starting school soon...

I have been so excited to learn as much as I possibly can, and decide for myself what my future will entail. With all this thinking of the future, I started thinking about my past. I decided to write about it. 

When I was younger, probably between the ages of 17 and 20, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. If anything during the time I thought maybe I was just going to spend the rest of my life at Dunkin' Donuts. I had no problem with that, seeing as I was making a lot of money as a store manager; with hopes of one day becoming a district or regional manager. School wasn't something I was thinking about. Then after about a year of dating my ex I realized I wanted more for myself.  I didn't want to be just another person stuck in a fast food career for the rest of my life. I always felt like everyone knew more than me. I'm more street smart than book smart. I would rather have a little of both than just knowledge of one.

I remember when I was 18, I decided to check out Hesser College because I thought that was what you were suppose to do. Turn 18, go to college. I also had thought that it was expected of me. Seeing as I always thought of myself as the black sheep of the family. My brother and sister had both dropped out and had no plans on going to college, so I thought I had to prove them wrong. At the time I had no idea what I was doing, nor did I know how much money was involved with school. I only knew that Hesser accepted GED's. Since I had dropped out, that was the only option; so I thought. I went to see and adviser with my parents and we talked about what I wanted to go to school for. At the time I wanted to be a psychologist, so it seemed best fit to study psychology. I think they gave me a rough estimate of about two-thousand dollars. My mouth just about hit the floor. If anyone has seen my dumb-founded, than you can imagine how blank and baffled my mind was at that point in time. I wanted to crawl into my sweat shirt and just cry. I can just imagine if I had, bright red hair sticking out of the top of my sweat shirt with soft sobs coming out from underneath, all the while my parents and the adviser just staring... thinking to themselves "OH GREAT!" 

My parents wouldn't co-sign for the loan, and I had no idea about financial aid. I assumed that maybe school just wasn't for me...and went on with my life as a loyal Dunkin's employee. Just think, if only I had pushed myself as I do now I would have looked into school more and figured out everything that I needed to know... perhaps even be graduated by now and starting or living my career. I have a feeling things would have been a lot different if I had the mind I have now, then. Not that I regret my son, or the mistakes I've made. I wouldn't be the person I am today without my mistakes. I feel I know so much now, well as much as a person can know about learning from accidents and mishaps.

I am happy that I am growing. My mind has changed a lot from when I was younger. I use to hate public places. I would have these panic attacks, and just have to leave. I was never a people person. I was very quiet and shy, never spoke up. I enjoyed hiding in the back. (Please for the love of god don't see me!) Now I am a pretty loud person, when I am comfortable in my surroundings.  Though there aren't many surroundings that make my uncomfortable. I don't have problems meeting new people, in fact I enjoy it! I am not afraid to be myself, or speak up when something is bothering me. The old me would have been envious of the new me. I like to think so at least. Well, that just a burp into my past. Hope it was worth the read.

Anything you can do... I can do better

So today was a bit discouraging. I found out the the original car I was going to buy was rusted all underneath. Wasn't about to buy that. I went to a few dealerships. I came so close to buying a $13,000 car with $320 a month payments... I knew I couldn't afford. I walked away. I am not completely angry about cars right now, I am just annoyed. I want a decent car now. I have the money, now I just need the car to come to me. I refuse to settle for anything. I need something reliable, that is a standard.  Didn't realize it would be this difficult. Oh well...

I'll probably post later on today...at the moment I just wanted to say something about the car situation.

...and then she said

So these are the books I now have in my ownership. I'm not quite sure what I like yet, so I got a bunch.

The Clique
Bones
Strangers In Death
Thursday Next
The Way Of The World
Butch Is A Noun
Girl, Interrupted
The Secret Year
The Boy In The Striped Pajamas
The Unquiet Mind
Get Me Out Of Here
A Little Book On Love

( If you'd read any of these I would love to hear what you thought of them. )

That should keep me busy for awhile. :)



Tomorrow I officially register for my classes.
I also will be able to register a vehicle....annnddddd will be most likely buying a vehicle.

Oh, tomorrow is Valentine's Day isn't it? Weird. I have no plans with anyone, but I'm okay with that. The last three years of  V-Day have been pretty shitty for me, and that's when I was in a relationship. I am glad I am actually single this year. I know it's cute and all, but I'm glad I don't have to conform and buy someone some undeserved "love" card and box of chocolates. Don't take my tone the wrong way. I am not walking around hating on love and people who are happy together. I am happy for them. I just think that if you care about someone deeply you should want to do nice things for them through out the year, not just one day. I never did the traditional "V-Day." I bought a card, yes. I don't fancy chocolates much...so I basically treat it like a Birthday or Christmas and buy them a bunch of things they want. Video games, tools, car stuff, cologne, etc. I get uncomfortable in romantic situations, so I usually just passed on the candle lit dinners. Perhaps I went about it all wrong?

              I haven't even started school yet it is always on my mind. I can imagine how bad it'll be when school actually starts. I'm excited to see what my first essay will be.



So I said something to a friend the other day, something to do with people writing essays about how they grew up gay or something to that effect. I remember using the word "cliche'." I am embarrassed that I actually said that. I didn't even put a lot of thought into the words I was saying. I can't believe the person who was saying such things was me.... I have always been a very open minded person. I don't know what came over me. I guess I have just been angry at the world lately. It is not like me to bash people. That day though, I felt very angry... and said things that I didn't actually believe. I don't think there is a way I can tell my friend that what I said I didn't mean, without looking like I am trying to "save myself." I saw the look in his eyes when I was talking, it almost looked like he was disappointed. At the time I didn't care. Now I think I need to learn how to control my impudent tongue. I am usually pretty good at hiding my moods. The only emotions I like for people to see on me is happy, or excited. Anger and sadness are not something people pick up on me, I hide it well I like to think. I just think that even though your sad or mad, you don't have to mope around. I like being optimistic. Usually puts me in a better mood in the end result. I do my emotional thinking on my own time... if that makes any sense? Well, just thought I'd share that.....

Fire in my eyes

I feel so distraught.  There's something in the pit of my stomach. Makes my heart skip a beat. It's almost like my stomach hurts, but it's kind of in my lungs too... You know when people say their heart hurts, when it comes to emotions? It's kind of like that. I can't stand feeling like this. On the verge on tears, but I refuse to cry. Why do I feel like this... I hate it. Why do I always have to be the one that is clear and steps up to the plate? Why can't other people just come to me first? I always bring things up and have to dig for answers. I am pretty straight forward, unless I don't want you to know. I avoid subjects for a reason, but this subject is obnoxious. I don't know what is up or down. People are so confusing. I just want a straight answer. Tell me... Don't tip toe around it. Don't assume I know what your saying. Just tell me...

Save me a seat....

Today....
Went to look at a couple cars with my friend. He was kind enough to cart my ass everywhere, and I thank him for that. We drove all the way to Salem, there is a Chevy Cavalier for $1,500. Only 86,000 miles on it. I'm pretty impressed with this car. Tomorrow the seller is bringing it up to Manchester so that a garage of my choosing can check it out and make sure it doesn't have anything wrong with it. (Though the garage is not of my choosing, my friend chose it but I have full confidence in him.) I have to work 3:30 AM to 12 PM tomorrow. I then have to go to the garage for 1 PM with my friend for the car. Then if I decide to buy it, assuming the car has no major issues, drive the seller back to his house since he won't have transportation back to his place. Then I need to get back to work for 3 PM for a mandatory store meeting. Gee whiz. Lastly, I must find a ride home from said meeting if I don't buy the car or can't get 20 day plates for it. ( I have an issue with the DMV at the moment concerning car ownership, involves the SR-22 agreement.) Busy day tomorrow.

School....
School starts March 21rst. I have signed up for 5 classes. With the intentions of not getting into all of them. If I do get into all of them I will drop 2. I suppose I can be a little over ambitious sometimes. I feel mentally prepared for school. Now for the fiances and class schedules... that's another story.  I will get into that when the time draws nearer to start up. I want to make sure everything is set up before I actually do the worrying.

Home life...
A friend let me borrow the book The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath. I am in love with it thus far. I actually stopped reading my other book Bones, to finish reading this one.
Mikey got sick with a 24 hour bug. I felt so bad, all he wanted to do was cuddle. Poor guy, makes me feel so bad. This morning when he woke up I asked him how he was feeling and he said, "Better Mommy." While pointing to his mouth. ( He was vomiting yesterday, so he was letting me know he didn't feel like vomiting anymore.) Everyday he gets so much smarter and taller. He's not the baby I use to hold in my arms and sing to every night anymore. He'll always be my little baby, but soon he'll be a young man..... Time flies. He is the reason I get up everyday and work. The reason I want to go to school. The reason I want so much out of this life, because I want him to do the same. He has such a great personality. ( Like his mom. =] )
Off to read/bed.

Give me more

It has been brought to my attention that people want me to post more. Lol, didn't think anyone would really be reading this. Besides Sarah. :)

I am going to start school in March. Though I am not a fan of the first classes I have to take because not much is open. Though I'm sure when I start to register for my classes I can weed through them and make a schedule that works better for me. This is a very exciting moment in my life. I feel like dancing and singing, all the time. I just hope I can afford an apartment while going to school and working. I will probably have to work full time, wich I know will put a lot on me. I have to do something, I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. I have to make things happen.

It feels as though my income tax money will never come in. I have so much to do and get done, and I can't do any of it until that money comes in. I need to get an apartment of my own. I need a car. I need to square away my debts. One thing I am concerned about is my financial aid covering all of my tuition and books that I need. Otherwise, I won't be attending school until fall. Maybe I should wait until summer or fall. Give myself some time to save up? Maybe I am rushing and setting myself up for disaster. I would really love some feed back.

                           I've been reading a lot lately. I was never really into the written word. Never found a great fascination with it. Then there are always those section that you fill out, asking what your favorite books are. I have written the only books I remember reading. Which aren't a lot, and that made me sad. I want to be into reading... just not many books scream to me. The only ones I remember reading are the ones that stood out enough for me to care about. I bought a bunch of books to see what kind of books I could read with out getting bored. So far this book called, "Bones" seems to be peaking my interest. Sometimes I find myself laying in bed, knowing that I should go to bed but I just keep reading. Thinking to myself, -okay, just one more page and I'll put it away-. Usually ends up in six more pages before I actually turn out the light. Maybe it's not that I wasn't "into" reading, but it was more of what I wanted to read was hard to find and that made it hard for me to enjoy reading. I remember a book ( I can't remember the name and wish I could because I want to read it again) that was about a young girl growing up in the desert, in a religion where she was to be wed as soon as she got her period. I remember the author making her sound like such a spunky girl, who wasn't ready and didn't want anything to do with marriage or being a house wife. She wanted to help her dad and be free. She was wed to a man about her father's age, who had 11 wives already. I think I remember it being a series actually. I really wish I could remember the name.


I can't wait... to just be living. Learning. Making myself.

One deep breath

I've been feeling very overwhelmed and confused lately.
My son's father did end up taking him for the weekend, but that was after I told him I was bringing him over anyway. I felt a bit empowered by the fact that I could finally stand up to him. He's always had power over me, I have always felt that I HAVE to be nice to him no matter what. He is the father of my child so I am suppose to treat him with respect, be nice to him, and feel bad when he is down and out because that's what I do. I help everyone, even if they have treated me like complete dirt. I don't know why this is... acceptance? Sometimes I just want to be the biggest bitch, but I can't. I feel like I am not allowed to be mean. Sometimes it feels like a curse that I actually look at things from all sides. I always look at things from other points of view before I respond or make my decision. Worried about how what I say will effect the other person/people. I want to be free of my mind. I want to be able to be mean and not worry about regretting what I have said. I don't know why I bother saying that because it's just what makes me, ME. If I had more brutal honesty, instead of sugar coating it I might not be the same person. I kind of like who I am. I think one day, when I have picked up all my broken pieces that I will be able to offer a lot to the people in my life. ( I hope that doesn't come off too cocky, not my intentions.) I just think that everyone has a lot to offer the people they keep around them. At least when they aren't a mess like myself.


I finished my application for MCC, I've even paid for the accuplacer test already. On Monday or Thursday I plan to take the test. Something inside me wants me to score very well. I feel like some where inside me there's lots of hidden potential just screaming to get out. I just need a place for that to come out of me. Plus, I've yet to meet someone that doesn't like to hear a compliment on their intellect. Whether it is an essay, or math score... inside we want to do amazing. Maybe even day dream about getting your tests scores back and seeing that you have scored the highest! HAH! (Yea, I do that.) I know it won't happen because I have so much to learn and work on. It's a nice thought though and keeps me optimistic.

I'm so worried about failing. I'm afraid that as soon as I start school I won't be able to afford anything. I understand that there are lots of single mothers out there that do work full time, and have their children full time, and perhaps even living on their own. I just don't want to over work myself. I'm not even worried about a social life, I think I'm more afraid of not having enough time with my son. I don't want him growing up and one day in school saying something that kids might say about their parents. Something silly they don't understand. "Moms on the computer all the time, so she doesn't play with me much." I don't want that to happen. I guess I can put that under my -biggest fear- section. Along with dieing without accomplishing anything in life, or leaving my mark. I don't think I have a fear of much else, well things that are relative anyway.  Most of the general public is afraid of dieing alone. That is near the bottom of the list, I know people find someone in due time. I'm going off subject now....


 I don't cry much, at least for a girl. (Yes, that is sexist) I probably cry about once a month or once every two, given the circumstances. I have to be completely stressed to the max. I hold things inside, basically putting them on the back burner until I feel they are worth crying over. You may feel that it is unhealthy for someone to hold things inside for so long. I just don't see the point in crying over everything that upsets me all the time. I'd be crying at least once a week if that were the case. Jeez, bills alone are enough to stress over and those come every Friday. Taking about half my paycheck. I feel if I were to let these things get the best of me every chance they could, then I would never push myself. I want to push myself to my limits, I strive to be a very strong person. The only way I can accomplish this is to keep jumping over the hurtles. Plus,  {A little rain never hurt anybody.} Unless it's acid rain, or your that chick from Ripley's Believe it or not that got into an accident on the school bus that just happened to be where a chemical truck tipped over too. Yea, her own tears burn her face. Crazy. Must take an emotional strong girl to never cry, or accept that your face will feel like fire.

Yep, another mind boggler...

Implode.

Seriously? My ex can't see his son again. "Bad weekend." I am so sick of this bullshit. I've had enough. I'm sick of waiting for other people, like I am right now. I am sick of people saying they can't do things. I am sick of being led on. I feel like just collapsing inward. Is this what it feels like to be on the border of giving up on the human race? Maybe it is better to stay away. Fuck this. I am so over you. You, the one that is late or likes to flake out. The one that lies constantly. The one that doesn't appreciate anything I do for them. The one that doesn't care about me trying to get an education. The one that likes to dish it but can't take it. The one that thinks they are so much fucking better than everyone else, because they are a bit more intellectual than the norm. The one that likes to say they are looking for a relationship, but then is like oh, never mind I'm not ready for a relationship yet. The one that sleep with any girl that walks in the room with their legs wide open. The one that doesn't even try to take a deeper look. I give up. Go fuck yourselves.

Means to an end...

Boy meets girl...
Boy and girl find each other attractive...
Both really enjoy spending time together...
Decide to take their time to get to know each other...
It's a good thing they did...
Boy decides he isn't that interested in girl..
Girl hides her true feelings and says she feels the same...
Life goes on.

OR

Girl gets turned off by many personality issues in boy...
Girl is a bit shallow...
Girl doesn't like to play games...
Girl can't make up her mind...
Girl gives up.
Life continues still.




I just can't seem to hold on to anyone nor can anyone hold onto me. If they seem too interested in me, it's like I find an excuse to not like them. If I like someone more than usual, they seem to not be as interested in me.
Lesson: Stop liking everyone. lol Just kidding, that isn't realistic.
I think I still have some growing up to do. I have come to the conclusion that if you seem too eager in the beginning it'll usually end badly. Not all cases, but most. Though if you don't seem eager at all, you might lose your chance. A nice middle ground should suffice. Not like I am one to be giving out relationship advice. I have been through my share, long and short. I think now I might know what I'm looking for, I am just not what those particular people are looking for. I guess in the end, my friends were right. I need to get myself together before I can even bother looking for a relationship.  Or I am going to keep letting people down, or keep getting let down myself.  I wish I could apologize to all the guys/girls I've hurt on my mission to find myself. I feel as though I deserve it when I am hurt. What goes around comes around, and I strongly believe that. I also believe that there is a goblin of some sorts stealing all my socks so I can't find pairs, but that's beside the point.


I am so ecstatic about the 11th! New car and new apartment here I come! I honestly don't know what else to say. I started this post thinking I was going to talk about other things than relationship crap, but towards the end I realized I had nothing interesting to say. So that's about it...

You could get with this or you could get with that

I went to my tour and interview and SNHU. I fell completely in love with the school during the tour. It has so much to offer. Though I do find that there 5 or 6 food stores/cafeterias a bit too much, but a not deal breaker. When I was finished the tour, I was so ready to just fill out the application. I was even more excited about the interview than ever. When I sat down and started talking, I felt it was going very smooth and I was actually going to be able to go to this school. Unfortunately, the adviser said that he recommended going to a community college first to build up my credits. Also would improve my chances of being able to get a scholarship. I'm not going to lie... I was completely bummed. I have calmed myself though, and realized that it was the best choice. I am probably going to go to MCC (Manchester Community College), and take all my basic classes for a very inexpensive fee. Makes a lot more sense in the long run. Saving money is always a good thing.

Inside I find myself fighting what path I want to take. I originally thought that I would want Forensic Psychology. Now I think I am leaning more towards a Science related degree. This is something that I also enjoy thoroughly. It is going to take me a great deal of time to make this decision. It's only the rest of my life I'm planning, right?

  I wish I could find a decent roommate, so I could get a nice place when I move out. That isn't looking promising though. The best thing I can think of is just living alone. I know I can trust myself. Every time I've moved out in the past I have moved in with someone else, or have gotten a place with someone. All have ended in failure. Plus, I need to learn how to finance with my own money , and not getting help from someone else concerning rent and what not. This will also be a big step for me. If you have read my first post, I stated that at my age I believe that I should be married by now. For my age group at least. So, I didn't see myself having to move into an apartment alone. Figured I'd move in with a significant other, I learned the hard way that the significant other doesn't always stick around. Having a place of my own will be great, lonely, but great. I won't have to worry about someone moving out because of a break up, or me having to move out wich is the usual case. So far 2011 is looking to be the start of something good, maybe a whole new me. I am very curious to see what happens. One step at a time, first things first. Get a car, then get an apartment, than start school. Perhaps a relationship? Hmm, I'd allow it.