I've been feeling very overwhelmed and confused lately.
My son's father did end up taking him for the weekend, but that was after I told him I was bringing him over anyway. I felt a bit empowered by the fact that I could finally stand up to him. He's always had power over me, I have always felt that I HAVE to be nice to him no matter what. He is the father of my child so I am suppose to treat him with respect, be nice to him, and feel bad when he is down and out because that's what I do. I help everyone, even if they have treated me like complete dirt. I don't know why this is... acceptance? Sometimes I just want to be the biggest bitch, but I can't. I feel like I am not allowed to be mean. Sometimes it feels like a curse that I actually look at things from all sides. I always look at things from other points of view before I respond or make my decision. Worried about how what I say will effect the other person/people. I want to be free of my mind. I want to be able to be mean and not worry about regretting what I have said. I don't know why I bother saying that because it's just what makes me, ME. If I had more brutal honesty, instead of sugar coating it I might not be the same person. I kind of like who I am. I think one day, when I have picked up all my broken pieces that I will be able to offer a lot to the people in my life. ( I hope that doesn't come off too cocky, not my intentions.) I just think that everyone has a lot to offer the people they keep around them. At least when they aren't a mess like myself.
I finished my application for MCC, I've even paid for the accuplacer test already. On Monday or Thursday I plan to take the test. Something inside me wants me to score very well. I feel like some where inside me there's lots of hidden potential just screaming to get out. I just need a place for that to come out of me. Plus, I've yet to meet someone that doesn't like to hear a compliment on their intellect. Whether it is an essay, or math score... inside we want to do amazing. Maybe even day dream about getting your tests scores back and seeing that you have scored the highest! HAH! (Yea, I do that.) I know it won't happen because I have so much to learn and work on. It's a nice thought though and keeps me optimistic.
I'm so worried about failing. I'm afraid that as soon as I start school I won't be able to afford anything. I understand that there are lots of single mothers out there that do work full time, and have their children full time, and perhaps even living on their own. I just don't want to over work myself. I'm not even worried about a social life, I think I'm more afraid of not having enough time with my son. I don't want him growing up and one day in school saying something that kids might say about their parents. Something silly they don't understand. "Moms on the computer all the time, so she doesn't play with me much." I don't want that to happen. I guess I can put that under my -biggest fear- section. Along with dieing without accomplishing anything in life, or leaving my mark. I don't think I have a fear of much else, well things that are relative anyway. Most of the general public is afraid of dieing alone. That is near the bottom of the list, I know people find someone in due time. I'm going off subject now....
I don't cry much, at least for a girl. (Yes, that is sexist) I probably cry about once a month or once every two, given the circumstances. I have to be completely stressed to the max. I hold things inside, basically putting them on the back burner until I feel they are worth crying over. You may feel that it is unhealthy for someone to hold things inside for so long. I just don't see the point in crying over everything that upsets me all the time. I'd be crying at least once a week if that were the case. Jeez, bills alone are enough to stress over and those come every Friday. Taking about half my paycheck. I feel if I were to let these things get the best of me every chance they could, then I would never push myself. I want to push myself to my limits, I strive to be a very strong person. The only way I can accomplish this is to keep jumping over the hurtles. Plus, {A little rain never hurt anybody.} Unless it's acid rain, or your that chick from Ripley's Believe it or not that got into an accident on the school bus that just happened to be where a chemical truck tipped over too. Yea, her own tears burn her face. Crazy. Must take an emotional strong girl to never cry, or accept that your face will feel like fire.
Yep, another mind boggler...
My son's father did end up taking him for the weekend, but that was after I told him I was bringing him over anyway. I felt a bit empowered by the fact that I could finally stand up to him. He's always had power over me, I have always felt that I HAVE to be nice to him no matter what. He is the father of my child so I am suppose to treat him with respect, be nice to him, and feel bad when he is down and out because that's what I do. I help everyone, even if they have treated me like complete dirt. I don't know why this is... acceptance? Sometimes I just want to be the biggest bitch, but I can't. I feel like I am not allowed to be mean. Sometimes it feels like a curse that I actually look at things from all sides. I always look at things from other points of view before I respond or make my decision. Worried about how what I say will effect the other person/people. I want to be free of my mind. I want to be able to be mean and not worry about regretting what I have said. I don't know why I bother saying that because it's just what makes me, ME. If I had more brutal honesty, instead of sugar coating it I might not be the same person. I kind of like who I am. I think one day, when I have picked up all my broken pieces that I will be able to offer a lot to the people in my life. ( I hope that doesn't come off too cocky, not my intentions.) I just think that everyone has a lot to offer the people they keep around them. At least when they aren't a mess like myself.
I finished my application for MCC, I've even paid for the accuplacer test already. On Monday or Thursday I plan to take the test. Something inside me wants me to score very well. I feel like some where inside me there's lots of hidden potential just screaming to get out. I just need a place for that to come out of me. Plus, I've yet to meet someone that doesn't like to hear a compliment on their intellect. Whether it is an essay, or math score... inside we want to do amazing. Maybe even day dream about getting your tests scores back and seeing that you have scored the highest! HAH! (Yea, I do that.) I know it won't happen because I have so much to learn and work on. It's a nice thought though and keeps me optimistic.
I'm so worried about failing. I'm afraid that as soon as I start school I won't be able to afford anything. I understand that there are lots of single mothers out there that do work full time, and have their children full time, and perhaps even living on their own. I just don't want to over work myself. I'm not even worried about a social life, I think I'm more afraid of not having enough time with my son. I don't want him growing up and one day in school saying something that kids might say about their parents. Something silly they don't understand. "Moms on the computer all the time, so she doesn't play with me much." I don't want that to happen. I guess I can put that under my -biggest fear- section. Along with dieing without accomplishing anything in life, or leaving my mark. I don't think I have a fear of much else, well things that are relative anyway. Most of the general public is afraid of dieing alone. That is near the bottom of the list, I know people find someone in due time. I'm going off subject now....
I don't cry much, at least for a girl. (Yes, that is sexist) I probably cry about once a month or once every two, given the circumstances. I have to be completely stressed to the max. I hold things inside, basically putting them on the back burner until I feel they are worth crying over. You may feel that it is unhealthy for someone to hold things inside for so long. I just don't see the point in crying over everything that upsets me all the time. I'd be crying at least once a week if that were the case. Jeez, bills alone are enough to stress over and those come every Friday. Taking about half my paycheck. I feel if I were to let these things get the best of me every chance they could, then I would never push myself. I want to push myself to my limits, I strive to be a very strong person. The only way I can accomplish this is to keep jumping over the hurtles. Plus, {A little rain never hurt anybody.} Unless it's acid rain, or your that chick from Ripley's Believe it or not that got into an accident on the school bus that just happened to be where a chemical truck tipped over too. Yea, her own tears burn her face. Crazy. Must take an emotional strong girl to never cry, or accept that your face will feel like fire.
Yep, another mind boggler...
No comments:
Post a Comment