If you can wait 'til I get home

It is so much easier for all the students that are younger than me that go to college and can keep busy when they get home for winter or summer breaks. They have their dorm rooms that they stay in while school is in session, and then when the school breaks come they can go see their friends and family that they haven't seen in awhile. Then there is the population of students, life myself, that don't have a dorm room and are single parents. During school breaks life is practically the same as before with the exception of going to class and doing homework. I tell ya though, I would much rather be doing homework right now than sitting here bored out of my gourd, praying that my car gets fixed soon. I haven't hung out with a friend in......months. My boyfriend is kept busy in Vermont, seeing all his friends and family. While I am going insane here waiting for him to text me back. Since he has gone home we have barely talked and I feel like I am on a serious melt down. For the past three days I haven't done anything fun. I've worked, sat in my room, and wrapped presents. The highlight of my life right now is work, I can't wait to work so I can have actual human contact.

                   I feel like no one understands. When other people don't have cars I've always gone out of my way to help them or hang out with them because I know how it feels. Other people I know that still don't have  cars have friends that offer to take them places and/or pick them up to hang out. I don't have that, my parents give me rides to work...the end. What am I suppose to do with myself. I understand it is no one's problem but my own to keep busy and find things to do, but why does everyone else get it so easy? Why is every day a constant struggle for me? I've worked hard for everything I own since I was fourteen years old, and what do I have to show for it?

                          My son is always keeping me from falling apart and now he is at his father's house until Christmas morning. I just miss being young, I miss being able to hang out with friends and keeping busy. I miss not caring if my boyfriend doesn't text me back within ten minutes. Then maybe I wouldn't feel like he doesn't care about me right now, at least not like he use to. I remember when we first started dating he'd text me all the time, even while with friends, it didn't matter. Now I'm lucky if I can get five texts out of him. I just want to go back to where it all started falling apart and repair it. I'm tired of feeling like this, like I'm all alone in this.

Oh how I love these moments...

I am absolutely just over-joyed when (persons that shall remain un-named) go to their friends and talk shit about me. I'm just always in a bitchy mood and start fights. Really? Because it takes two or more people to fight. If you really feel that much hatred toward me why not just end it?

Seriously, I obviously don't mean that much to you if you are willing to run your mouth about me. Because again, I am just such a bitch... and so controlling.

Maybe, just maybe... if you told them the TRUTH with the complete story.. ya know.. not leaving what YOU said or did out of it... they wouldn't "take your side" so easily.

...but what do I know, I am a jealous bitch that always starts fights on purpose.

I feel like I am the only adult here.

boo.

Hip hop hip hiphopanotomous.

I just want to say thank you to the state of New Hampshire. Thank you, for fucking me. Seriously, do you want me to get the lube and just bend over? Cause I feel like that's what is already happening.

My car is still not inspected. Every time I fix it something else becomes broken. I can never win. I have fixed something new on this car for the past four months. I am going to get pulled over soon because my luck is going to run out.

I really need my school loans to come in faster. I am depending on that money to survive the school year. Please hurry up financial aid. I NEED this live.

The Department of family services shut off my son's health insurance, his daycare, and food stamps. Great, because I totally didn't need that. Of course I don't need food to eat, nor does my son. I half expected to send him to school starving with no lunch. Also, I really appreciate having to pay full for daycare now. God knows I can afford that, paying rent, going to school, and fixing my car. Being a single mother is easy, duh. Plus, now I don't have health insurance and neither does my son. Now I can just hang out at the ER all the time. Then just owe the hospital lots of money. Perhaps they should rethink what they are really doing to people when they cancel things. I didn't realize sitting on your ass and filing paperwork was the equivalent of being a rocket scientist. My apologies, I did not know I was getting in the way of you being a lazy piece of shit.

Classes are  giving me legit home work now, so it's not going to be a smooth ride, but I actually like school so no complaints there.

I have no real problems with work because it's work. We all generally dislike entering work when it's retail, don't keep lying to yourself... we all know you hate it.

Now.... I feel better because I actually wrote out all my mental issues. Now... to publish or not to publish?

Can we just...talk?

I'm really tired of actually trying to be there for you... but you won't let me.

Then I start getting ignored or blown off. It's great that you have other friends that are there for you because you are always there for them when they need you....but why do I feel like I am on the back burner? You've barely talked to me the past two days, and yet the entire time I am been worried as hell about you. Yet you just drop off the face of the earth after texting me back once or twice.

Why is it you can talk to everyone else in the world about how you feel, except me?

Here's the deal...

I am going to keep my blog going, I am just going to be lazy at doing it.

It has been a few months since I last posted. Here is what is going to happen in the next few weeks/months...give or take.

+ School is starting August 29th. I am very excited. I decided to change my major. I am going to focus on education and one day become a Science or Biology teacher. This will take some time, but it will be worth it and the time it takes to get a masters is psychology is much longer. Basically subtracting the time and money I couldn't devote to my education for psychology.

+ Autumn is coming, which is my favorite time of the year. Everyone always says they like the smell and the colors... I enjoy everything that comes with fall. It brings me back to a more simple time in life. Reminds me that when I was a kid I was silly and didn't realize everything that was going on around me, but that's okay. I miss that part in life. I miss caring about if I am going to have a awesome costume and how much candy I would get on Halloween. Running around in sweat pants and sweaters and not caring if they were "in fashion" or not. Autumn - in my head - is everything I love about life.
Soon I will go apple picking with my son and my boyfriend August. Take a trip up north to see the foliage. Enjoy a hayride with them, and pick out the perfect pumpkins we'd like to carve or paint. Shopping for Halloween costumes together, then going to parties and trick or treating.

+After all that, November will be just around the corner. Thanksgiving with the family...classes... then a Christmas tree. My goodness! The next few months will be spectacular!

That is my update. Feel free to ask questions. I like to give answers, if I contain them.

Keep it together.

Work is starting to deteriorate me. Everyday I wake up and I am like..oh gee golly another day of work..wooo!
I know I must sound like a lazy fuck when I say this but, I would rather go to school than work. I honestly can not wait until school starts up again. I feel exhausted having to work nine hour shifts each day. Now understand, at Dunkin' Donuts I use to work like ten to fifteen hour shifts.. so I know a nine hour shift is easy.

            I feel like maybe I am just trying to get the childhood I lost by starting work at fourteen years old, and then dropping out of school at sixteen. I finally get to do what I was suppose to do. I want that relaxation of school. Like I said, I know I sound lazy but I can't help how I feel. I felt free because I was doing what I wanted to do, learning what I wanted to learn. I am free to go to the bathroom without raising my hand like a child. At work I can not leave my position until someone comes to cover me. Some times I have to stand in the same spot for more than three hours straight. I make good money at Lowe's which is the main reason I am not quitting.... I just hope I last the summer without getting depressed about it. It's sad to get depressed at work. I don't want to live the rest of my life working at places that make me doubt my abilities or my self worth.

        Another thing, I was thinking about changing my major. I am not sure I am cut out for psychology. I was thinking maybe leaning for towards the medical field. My other career choice would be a X-Ray Tech.
I am going to do one more semester of psychology though, if I do well then I will stay in that field. If I do horrible again than I am going to do X-Ray Tech.

        I feel like I will forever be in debt. Every time I get close to getting out of debt, I lose my job and get fucked over again. Everyone around me gets to go out and do something fun like going to the movies, mini golfing, amusement park, beach, etc... I can't do those things because I simply can not afford them. Even if I did receive child support for my son I wouldn't be able to do anything like that. People keep telling me that I can do those things...but I literally can not. I do not have the money, my bills wait long enough for me to pay them... I can't put them off just because I want to go have fun. I just hate money now. When I get it I don't want to lose it. Even though my paycheck is basically gone before I can even cash it. I know everyone is having financial trouble these days. So I can't be all poor me poor me.... but sometimes I just have enough.