What am I, like fifteen?

Dear A.B., K.D., & L.H.

I feel like this happens all the time. Every time A.B. gets a new best friend they creates this clan and I feel like I can't penetrate it. I'm just left on the side lines. I know I sound childish, so if I recognize my immaturity about this.. then why do I even care? Why would I even bother to write this post? I suppose I need some where to write down the immature and ridiculous thoughts that run through my head. Might as well, instead of taking them out on anyone else that doesn't actually deserve to be yelled at.
Sometimes I question what I am doing with myself, am I leading people on to think I am a nicer person than I actually am? Inside I feel like an asshole, like I only care about myself. Then I show this caring person that does things for other people, sometimes I feel enjoyment, others I wish I could punch people in the face. I just wish someone would do things for me and be as nice and as generous as I've been to them. I mean, I spend my money on people is a false sense of friendship.... Silly. Maybe other people have their shit together better, which is why they know better to not spend money on me, or maybe they are all just complete jerks and try to get other people to spend money on them so that they can save theirs. Who knows. All these questions I do realize will never actually be answered, well not intentionally at least. It's not always about money, like I wish someone would whisk me away when I am having a bad day and just drive me to the beach or to the mountains. These are the things I do for other people when they are on a rough road, but they never think to do these things for me. Maybe I'm just in the wrong crowd, I don't know what my "crowd" is. I don't fit with the young moms, the college kids, the druggies, the partiers, or adults they have great jobs. It's sad that I am still trying to figure out where I belong and I'm twenty-five years old. I know I shouldn't hold so much weight over my age, but you figure someone would know by now. Maybe another ten years?

Maybe I'll just find my own friends.
Sincerely,
Don't fucking flatter yourself.

I watched you change

Dear K.D.
I really am not sure if I like the person you are becoming.... you are ditching your friends for a girl you've only known for two weeks. With excuses like "I don't have the gas." -- but then you go to your girlfriend's house the next day? I hope she is giving you some gas money since her family is rich and she has a job.. and you don't anymore. Why can't she just drive up to see you for once? I don't know why I care so much but I do know that you need to slow your roll with this girl. You two had sex the first time you met, I'm sorry for being so negative but I know you two will not last. Also, please treat my boyfriend (who is supposedly your best friend) with a little more respect. Ditching him all the time is getting lame and I have to keep picking up the pieces that you break off. I know I shouldn't care, but you are my friend too, or so I thought.

This blog has literally become my bitch session... my apologies to the waiter

Dear K.D.
Your girlfriend is just like your ex, she tells me she has to do homework and then continues to talk to my boyfriend. She is just snugging up nicely to him because he is your best friend and wants to make a good impression. I may not be your best friend, but I don't lie to you and have your best interests in mind. I want to tell you, but I feel like you wouldn't believe me.
   Sincerely,
A friend that is only considered a friend because I'm dating your friend, but really I am a better friend than you think.

All women all bitches. They do anything to be closer to the top. 

Can we just talk about...

How much the new blogger set up for the dashboard sucks and I loath it entirely.
Anyways, my school sucks. I am PAYING for high school level courses to fulfill a prerequisite for the new school I will be attending, but come to find out because the classes I am taking don't have LABS, the are not accepted. So I just paid 1,260$ for nothing. Gee whiz, thank you community college system of NH. You are pieces of shit.

You're really good at that.

Please stop being such a little bitch and get over it. She isn't worth it, and shes ugly.She treats you like a fucking dog. There is so much better out there for you. Can't you see I fucking care. God, I must be really bad at showing how much I care for people. The only way I know how to show any caring is by buying shit for people. I try to do nice things but it always involves money. Why can't I figure out how to do nicer things for people without spending.... fuck.
         I just...I don't know how to say all the regrets I have about the past. There are so many, and I realize I need to stop. I need to get over the past... but why can't I hold on just a little bit longer. I miss so many things, and missed out on many things as well. Get a grip...
         I feel like some days I am losing my mind. Sometimes I wake up and cry. I don't want to go on with working so hard just to live a measly existence in this pathetic world that is all about being beautiful and rich. But then I remember Mikey, he is the only reason I get up and go to work, do homework, and go to class. Otherwise, I would be a complete utter mess. Sometimes my mind races so fast its hard for me to keep up with myself. Why am I so sad? I don't think I'll ever be satisfied. I am so sorry for everyone that is in my life and has to deal with me, I know I am an asshole.

Actually...

Not everything is about sex. We don't have to have sex every single day. We are still in a good relationship if we don't have sex at least three times a week. So please, stop making me feel like shit because I'm not in the mood.