That moment I became a douche

My brain is going a million miles per hour. With out school work, my second job, and my friends at school.. I am a legitimate wreck. On the bright side I have be going to the gym Mon through Fri. Taking weekends off for work and what not.

Today I felt like an asshole. I am single, and have a child, which you should know by now if you have actually read what I write. ( These are the two things I tend to talk about the most lol.) I digress, my son's father's girlfriend (whom I actually really like, she is like the best girlfriend he has ever had, go baby daddy!), posted a picture of a bouquet of flowers and a gift that he (my ex) had given her. Mind you, I was not upset because he got her something and not me.... I mean, I wouldn't date him again.. like fucking ever. But I was upset that we had dated for three years and he never once gave me a Mother's Day gift. Also, I got really upset because she isn't a mom. I'm Mikey's mom.. like what the fuck? While they were having a super cute Mother's Day at his place with my son... I sat at home like a fucking loser watching sappy romantic movies crying because I am forever alone. Then the time came when I got to pick up my son (my ex gets him every weekend and I have him Mon through Fri.), when I got out of my car I saw my son holding roses and he said, "Happy Valentine's Day, Mommy!" To which his father and his dad's girlfriend whispered to him that it was Mother's Day not Valentine's Day. Wrong holiday little man. hahaha! It had then dawned on me that 1. These roses were from the bouquet that my ex gave to his girlfriend, and 2. I am a raging bag of dicks.

Seriously, she really is a mom, she has been helping my ex with our son for awhile now, and they are probably going to get married soon. Why not celebrate Mother's Day for her, right? And who gives a shit what he didn't do for me? I need to grow the fuck up. What they did was really sweet. Sometimes I can be the worst person imaginable. Someone I never thought I could be, some jealous spinster who sits at home at watches romance movies all day while crying into cake.... now all I need are 60 cats and I am golden. Well, I hope it never gets to that point. I just know that this is why I need to be kept busy with school. As much as a summer break sounded refreshing, I should have taken summer classes. I always forget, amongst all the school work with finals, that summer is boring as fuck without school.

Conscious thoughts part 1

Sometimes you throw so many mixed signals my way I am unsure of what you really think of me. Confusion can really mess with a girl's head, ya know? I've mention things outright, and you still find a way around the answers. Slippery serpents.

Hate is such a strong word, how about, highly dislike?

"Hate is such a strong word, how about, highly dislike?"

It's not that I don't like you
it's that
I can't stand being in at least
ten fucking feet of you
so no
I don't fucking hate you
I just imagine you choking
on every single drink
you are served in front of me
that your teeth rot
in only the front portion
that every girl you touch
has herpes
that just when you fill your gas tank
your engine blows
when you get a sore in your mouth
you can't help but tongue it
that when you get a new hair cut
I hope it looks like shit
when you find the girl of your dreams
she uses the crap out of you
karma
so no
I don't hate you
I just hate how you made me
hate you
               -J.Lajoie

Nail bed information

"Nail bed Information"

My nails are of a common thief
still I  interrogate for information
as if my finger tips have all the answers
saliva mixing with salt and dirt
these battles are unpleasant
My fingers were once the ones that held yours
caressing every divot, nook, cranny
knotting them around your hair was their finest hour
telling you my secrets, my...weaknesses
they knew everything about you
your easiest disposal of my truth
so when you left I thought,
"It's because my hands knew you too well"
maybe that's why I continue to challenge their accuracy
leaving no nail bed un-turned
and perchance I might retrieve the answers
to why you never came back
                           -J. Lajoie

Welcome to Love

"Welcome to Love"

Welcome to the adulthood of love,
where the "adult" is fictional,
when getting pissed on is your "Welcome mat",
Welcome to losing your dignity,
hearts being ripped open, your consummation.
I'm in the forever pining club,
highlights consist of smiling at those cute waiters,
that aren't even your server,
and doing everything for someone,
just when they dub you "Knight of the Friend-Zone"
These chasms are endless,
much like my sleepless nights,
or the dried saline on my cheeks.
Surrounded by a world of dark cloud lovers
with good intentions
that never seem to follow through.
And no one will ever know,
just how loud my heart beats,
or when the winds in this field blow,
I hope they are a hurricane that drown my secrets.
                             -J.Lajoie

Le sappy

There are those little things I really miss about being in a relationship:

• Red light kisses
• Inside jokes
• The "you are a fucking weirdo" faces
• Late night phone calls when you really need someone to talk to
• The way you can tell something is wrong by the sound of their voice
• Forehead kisses
• Sarcastic conversations when both of you don't know when to end them
• Awkward cuddling, where your body is in the most fucked up position... but somehow it is comfortable for both parties
• "I missed you" hugs
• Catching them looking at you in the corner of your eye

Jessi actually wrote a post

It has been mind-boggling to me how fast the time is going by. My days are so filled with school work, work, and my son, that when I finally get a chance to relax and do my own things such as, reading, writing, seeing friends, etc... that it is already time for me to put the day to rest. I exhaust my mind and body so much that I go to bed at 8 or 9 PM and then wake up at 5:30 AM exhausted. It is as though time is slipping through my fingers. I want to enjoy this time in school while I work to get my degree in Radiology, and I do realize there is a lot of hard work to do, but I suppose I didn't realize how fast life would go by. Perhaps it comes with age, just being so busy, or an anomaly of the great perhaps. It frightens me a bit. I mean, it is not like my life is flashing before my eyes, but the rate months are passing by is concerning.... at least to me.

I always thought by age 26 I would be married and have my life together. It is funny, yet sad, how smart I thought I was at 18, and even 10 years from now I'll probably laugh at how smart I thought I was at 26. We always think we are doing the right thing, but how do we ever truly know we are doing the right thing until it is too late? Those are the life lessons we learn, from my stand point. I realize I get a bit too philosophical, but just bear with me. I guess with no matter how nostalgic I become, and how much I wish I could go back in time and change the past, I can still hold my head high and know that I am working towards a better future for myself. And for what it is worth, no matter how single or lonely I feel, I know it is the right path because I can feel it inside of me. I guess that answers the question, "How do we know what is right?", because we can feel it inside of us, that excruciating feeling of the emotions inside of you trying to jump out of your skin. We do what we want and what our hearts say is the correct path, even if that path is full of errors. We need those errors or consequences to learn and understand; to pass down the knowledge we have procured. We work hard for our lessons, and I'll be damned if I or anyone else tries to go back and change them. I am the best person I could ever possibly what to be, and for that, I am truly happy.