Keep it together.

Work is starting to deteriorate me. Everyday I wake up and I am like..oh gee golly another day of work..wooo!
I know I must sound like a lazy fuck when I say this but, I would rather go to school than work. I honestly can not wait until school starts up again. I feel exhausted having to work nine hour shifts each day. Now understand, at Dunkin' Donuts I use to work like ten to fifteen hour shifts.. so I know a nine hour shift is easy.

            I feel like maybe I am just trying to get the childhood I lost by starting work at fourteen years old, and then dropping out of school at sixteen. I finally get to do what I was suppose to do. I want that relaxation of school. Like I said, I know I sound lazy but I can't help how I feel. I felt free because I was doing what I wanted to do, learning what I wanted to learn. I am free to go to the bathroom without raising my hand like a child. At work I can not leave my position until someone comes to cover me. Some times I have to stand in the same spot for more than three hours straight. I make good money at Lowe's which is the main reason I am not quitting.... I just hope I last the summer without getting depressed about it. It's sad to get depressed at work. I don't want to live the rest of my life working at places that make me doubt my abilities or my self worth.

        Another thing, I was thinking about changing my major. I am not sure I am cut out for psychology. I was thinking maybe leaning for towards the medical field. My other career choice would be a X-Ray Tech.
I am going to do one more semester of psychology though, if I do well then I will stay in that field. If I do horrible again than I am going to do X-Ray Tech.

        I feel like I will forever be in debt. Every time I get close to getting out of debt, I lose my job and get fucked over again. Everyone around me gets to go out and do something fun like going to the movies, mini golfing, amusement park, beach, etc... I can't do those things because I simply can not afford them. Even if I did receive child support for my son I wouldn't be able to do anything like that. People keep telling me that I can do those things...but I literally can not. I do not have the money, my bills wait long enough for me to pay them... I can't put them off just because I want to go have fun. I just hate money now. When I get it I don't want to lose it. Even though my paycheck is basically gone before I can even cash it. I know everyone is having financial trouble these days. So I can't be all poor me poor me.... but sometimes I just have enough.

I feel like a failure...

I got a 47 on my psych final..

I got all B’s in my classes except in psych I got a D+. Which in turn dropped my GPA down to a 2.57.

I know next semester I am going to have to bust ass, but right now I feel like the biggest mess up ever. I thought I was so much smarter than this and I could prove people wrong…. guess I was the one that was wrong

Butterflies

I'm in love with the most amazing, beautiful, and talented person I've ever met in my entire life. I feel so privileged to have Branch in my life.
Branch is so good with my son. Mikey just loves it when Branch is around and when Branch isn't around he says "Where's Branch?"
No matter how much time I spend with Branch I feel like it is never enough, and I can't believe we aren't annoyed by each other yet. Branch is like my best friend, we are so weird. Some of the funnest times I've had involve Branch. Thanks Asa Rae Branch, for being in my life. I hope I make you just as happier as you've made me!

First song, say whhhhhat?

Disappointment


This is the song I had sung for my Psych class. I had it in my head to be original in my presentation, and to score points with the teacher. I also got to spend time practicing, seeing as I haven't had much time for the poor guitar as of late with school taking up most of my schedule.
                 This is the first song I have ever made. It was for a project so I didn't work on it as hard as I would a song I were singing for pure enjoyment, or from my heart. My disclaimer is that the recording is loud, I messed up like twice during the recording and since I am lazy I didn't bother to fix it, and it's pretty depressing. The song itself is based off of my poster that I made for a visual effect. The poster was made to describe my dreams. Apparently my dreams are of a depressing nature. Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and listening to my song. I apologize for my vocals, they are quite awful in this recording.

I kinda miss you, sir.

After a sweet letter in my FB inbox from Sare (that was basically an essay). I have finally began to grip onto the school thing. I find myself actually understanding things in class. I feel more confident in my writing and work. Now that I understand and comprehend what is going on around me, I enjoy school. I was actually very upset the psych class was cancelled today. Not to mention that I am a broke bitch, so having to drive all the way back home was a bummer... I just really wanted to go over chapter 3 in class. I realized that the whole psych thing that has to do with plotting and graphing has of no interest to me. As soon as we starting learning how the brain works I was like, "OH SNAP! This is fucking awesome!" I definitely want to take a biology class and a chemistry class next semester! Ode' to the excitement.
                  I seem to be "falling" for many things. I'll allow it.
I have this dream project I have to do, to interpret what my dreams mean to me. I can do a poster, or write a song, a poem, or a reenactment. I think I am going to do a poster and a song. Though if the song is too much for me I will probably go with a poem, just because I have never written a song before so I am not sure how I would go about it. Plus I would have to actually preform it in front of the class. EEK! Also we have to do an essay along with it. All the while we have a research paper due the first week of May. Not to mention all the other essay papers that will be due during this time period. This could be rough, I am so ready for the challenge. Bring it.
                        Also, I kinda miss my buddy. You need to hang out with me soon...just saying. I know you don't "miss" people, but deal with the fact that I can actually admit to missing playing guitar with you, or just driving around, and just talking.

Sleeping with the enemy

What I have discovered from my first week in college:
1. Sitting still for 3 hours straight sucks just as much as it did before.
2. Turning off your instant messenger while doing homework is the best policy.
3. Home work assignments can be vicious.
4. You read so much that even thinking about picking up a book you actually enjoy reading sounds like a chore.
5. You spend so much time thinking about home work assignments that you actually forget about eating all day.

In a nutshell; this sucks, but this is what I asked for. I want to get the most out of my learning experience. So if I have to read my psychology chapters twice to actually understand the, so be it. If I get basically no social time because home work takes up 75% of my time and actually sitting in class takes up 10% and my son takes up the other 15%, then I will just have to make do.

In other news, I got offered a job at Lowe's and Walmart. Tomorrow I am suppose to go to both stores and take drug tests and criminal back round checks. Now I don't know which job to choose. Lowe's is seasonal, so I am only guaranteed a job until July 28th. Unless they still need people and I am a good work. Walmart will only be giving me 24 hours a week, and will only need my Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Lowe's if offering 9 to 10 dollars and hour. I don't know what Walmart is offering yet. I think it might only be $8 per hour though. So what do I do? Go to Lowe's where I will make more, and be offered more hours but know that I am not guaranteed to work past July 28th? Or go to Walmart where I will make less, but know I will still have a job past the summer time? I am also afraid that if I choose one then decide later I don't like it, will the other job still want to hire me? I don't want to end up loosing the chance to work at a place later, just because I decided to go in the other direction. I am also worried that because school is demanding so much of my time, that I won't be able to function. I don't want to burn out. MCC has a contract with SNHU that if you are a student at MCC and want to transfer to SNHU, you must have a 3.0 grade average. If you have a 3.0 or  higher grade average you can get a scholarship of 4 to 5 thousand dollars. I don't want to risk my grade point average because of exhaustion. So much to think about, but I feel like I am running on empty sometimes. I wake up extra early everyday to get studying in, even when I stay up until almost midnight studying. Have I mentioned that I have three quizzes on Monday? AH! I better do amazing on them, because I refuse to do anything but excellence.


In some more other news, I have a girlfriend. I wasn't going to talk about her too much yet because I wanted to make sure she actually stuck around. Knowing my relationships in the best 8 months I tend to get tired of people fast. ( I sound snobby.) I really like her though, I think I'll keep her around =) She always makes me smile, very considerate, and is the most resilient person I have ever met. She's in her second year at SNHU in the culinary program. Which then entails that she can make me nom noms. She also plays football for the team Manchester Freedom. I really enjoy going to her practices and games/scrimmages. Another thing that makes me feel great inside is that she actually thinks about me and is considerate of me. I, in the past, haven't had a partner that actually thought about me during the day. Or wanted to text me just to tell me they miss me, or are thinking about me. I feel unstoppable when I am with her, like I can achieve anything. Fate has great plans for me, I am sure of it.

Water works

I cried in front of my girlfriend last night. I felt so uncomfortable about it, because there's nothing I hate more than looking weak. I was completely surprised by the reaction she had though. She wanted to be there for me... Someone wants to listen?


It felt good to know....that she really does care.

There's only been two people I've met that have had the power to completely break my heart. One I think I might have recently hurt, and my ex. This one could possibly be the death of me...in a good way. I like that I can be completely retarded and she likes me just as much ad before, if not more. Totally diggin' it.